Today we went to Lowry Park Zoo so I could be in the Channel 28 Best of the Class TV commercial. There were valedictorians from all over Tampa Bay and some of the girls were damn good looking. I really fucked up my individual taping. I got nervous and was the first to go in my group so I don't think I smiled too much. I felt so stupid.
I still can't stop thinking about Nicole. I was remembering our talk about what we would do if we had sex and she got pregnant. I wish we would have. I could go for the turmoil that Nicole getting pregnant would cause, and it would have been a sure-fire way to keep us together. I only got into her shirt twice and was impressed. They just showed some kids going to prom tonight. I was going with Nicole next Saturday and seeing that made me feel sick.
I flirted with King's valedictorian, she kept smiling back and knows I was looking. I used to flirt with her at NHS meetings. I also got some really provoking looks from a girl in the Manatee exhibit. She looked 16 but had a damn nice body. I was thinking about how people overemphasize their actions when they're near someone they like. I always talk louder to someone and say something that I think will interest the girl when she "overhears" it. I like talking about working at Busch Gardens. This really cute girl did that at the park today and later ended up sitting at the next table at lunch. I was even taking the garbage so I could casually walk by and meet her eyes as I walked back. I can't wait until college. I love being unconventional. I wore jean shorts and a T-shirt and a scruff beard compared to a bunch of those nerds in suits and dresses. The girl at the table was like me, we're sort of like laid-back, casual, and lazy people. It bewilders me to think how smart I could be if I spent time learning stuff instead of the bare minimum that I do. I know that I was one of the smartest people there. Anyway!!!
I wrote Abby a note in Ecology yesterday. It wasn't really for her because I poured my guts in it, it was just because Nicole didn't sit next to me at all today. I sort of slammed my folder down, threw down my head, and played dead most of the period. Then I wrote the note to pretend I had something to do. I just don't understand why she doesn't feel anything from our relationship, or at least how she's so damn good at hiding it. Well here's the note... Abby -
Hi, what's up? I feel really mixed up right now so I decided I'd write you. Nicole and I aren't even talking anymore if you care. I told her how Cindy and I have been making fun of her lately. You know, a fat ugly whore. She seems so happy right now. I hate the bitch! I wonder who she's going to fuck after prom. Or maybe I should ask who all she's going to fuck between now and prom. I just want this year to hurry and be over. I'll be so damn glad to get the hell out of this school. She's talking right now about the hotel room they all rented. She seems to know all about hotel rooms. She said it only has two bedrooms but she doesn't care. I guess it's no different to her if its on the couch or maybe a counter. It's all meaningless to her anyway, just like I was meaningless to her. I feel so sorry for her. I'd laugh and laugh and laugh if something tragic happened to her right now. I wish we had never broken up. I still love her. Ich leibe dich, right? I also wish I hadn't brushed off those opportunities in her bedroom. That one day she even asked me what I'd do if she said I could. I was on top of her at the moment groping and I sort of said something smart ass. DAMN IT. WHY DIDN'T I FOLLOW THROUGH! I HATE MYSELF.
Ouch. Now I need to burn the paper copy. We were in my car on the Causeway that Friday night that we went to Clearwater Beach. We were kissing and I went to tickle her leg. My hand ended up on her crotch and I kind of freaked. It was the first time we'd done anything besides kiss and I was afraid I'd scare her off or seem to only want her for sex (which she questioned). We ended up leaving and I can only depressingly and hatefully wonder what could have happened.
"How can anyone with an ego as big as yours still be so sweet," Busch Gardens, Festhaus. After we were mouth feeding each other ice and laughing. She looked so beautiful then. We also shared popcorn later. I had to take my popcorn from off her tongue and make sure I took all the salt with it. "I never knew popcorn could be an aphrodisiac." She later told me "I like the way you kiss," I guess I was sort of massaging her tongue or something. I'm so torn up over her. I've been taking comfort in Cindy lately. For the past three days its like we've never stopped talking. From eating blueberries to sex to how fat Nicole's ass looks lately. We had never really talked to one another about anything important before and it made me feel better. Writing all of this at twelve at night has made me feel better. I hate to see so much heartache get lost in forgotten memories so I had to do this. Tomorrow morning I go to work at Busch Gardens at 10:15. There's a whole world out there for me to take from. Tomorrow I start over from ground zero.
No comments:
Post a Comment