I really need to write right now, just to get everything off my chest. Nicole and I talked Monday and mentioned us maybe going to Busch Gardens and then Bennigens for dinner. It would have been entirely my treat but it's not going to happen today. She went to Sea World with someone all day Tuesday, so I was supposed to call last night. I did about seven, and then she asked me if I came by her house Tuesday and made me swear that I didn't. I'm not sure why. She sounded antsy and said she'd call me back. Of course she didn't. I tried calling her about 10:30 to bitch but it was busy, she has call waiting, and it was busy? So I said fuck her, and vowed not to call her back until she calls me. Shit. I'm not too depressed, because I keep thinking about the possibilities with Kim at Busch. I hope to God I'm not reading too much into this. All I hope is that we can maybe go out somewhere a couple of times, for starters.
I seem to be losing all contact with my former flings this week. Yesterday I went to Honeymoon Island for a cookout with some people from Ecology Club at Leto. We had been planning this for a while and used the club's money to pay for it. Chris Hill, Jennifer, Mr. Massena, and about ten others were there. Barbara Burke brought her younger sister, who was really cute and we talked a little. She tried sitting near me a couple of times and I kept half flirting with her, but oh well. Abby didn't come. While the food was cooking Annette and I walked out to scout the beach. We then went back and got Jennifer and Mrs. Pirkey. I pulled off my shirt and Annette and I went swimming. She forgot to wear a bathing suit, so she had to keep puffing her white T-shirt out to keep things hidden. She isn't very good looking, though, so I didn't really care. As we were coming in, We saw a stingray swimming around in about two foot water. It was cool because I have never seen one in the wild that close before. There were a couple of cute girls on the beach on lounge chairs, topless. I walk right up and by them to get the optimum view. I was being somewhat daring. Some of the others had also come down and were laying out on the beach. I was having fun showing off my tan, and kept being used as a comparison to show everyone else how white they were.
We then went back to eat. I had a hamburger and a hot dog, which were both good. Massena and I then teamed up and played volleyball against Annette and Chris. The net was in hot dirt so I was standing on one of my beach towels. We both won a game and then all went to the beach to swim. I took us all to a place further up the beach and stop were a mother and her two really cute daughters were laying out. I was leading and acting all important, sort of showing off. I guess I was feeling confident in myself. We stayed in for almost two hours before heading back. Jennifer and I led the way up to the showers which I had to hold on for her.
There were two really cute girls down on the beach who I started flirting with while I was showering. I then went and sat on the deck railing and kept looking down at them. Both of them kept turning to look up and I was feeling all special. We walked back to our cars, and then I drove back down to the beach to go lay out for a while, and to see those two girls. I had already picked out a spot close to them but they were leaving by the time I got there. I stood outside my car, drinking a 7 Up, until they were gone. Then I went down to the beach and fell asleep for an hour.
I believe in horoscopes and really like some of the ones I've gotten the past couple of days in the paper...
Tuesday - Being able to find an interesting approach to every task is a quality that few people have. Trust your judgement regarding new love interest.
Thursday - ...What seemed like a mediocre romance will become a passionate love affair.
I can only hope...
I also found some more notes and letters from Abby. Even though she's out of my life now, she was important to me for a while and deserves to be remembered.
Dearest Daniel,
Hello! Sorry, but I've not got the time to write a long note. I still cannot read your mind though, or understand what you are thinking. I suppose you'll have to tell me. I can't read your eyes. I think it would be interesting to have a long conversation with you, but I never get the chance. Call, and we can talk. Perhaps you can tell me what you are thinking when you stare off into the distance like you do.
Abby
I just realized that everyone I have my deepest relationships so far seem to enjoy analyzing people's mind. Abby, and Nicole who wants to be a Psychiatrist. I also was thinking back to when Nicole told me that she wanted me and I was the reason she came back and started talking to Renee, and that she always gets what she wants. That was special.
Daniel,
Hello. Stacy and I discussed this, that, and everything else last night at Burger King. He said you liked Nicole. I asked why, and he said (in more explicit terms) that you liked her for what she could do for you. That's a pretty sad reason to like someone Dan. I certainly hope you like her for her personality. Liking someone for looks is a trap, because you trick yourself into thinking you are happy with just a physical object to love, not a person. But I'm not going to sit here and lecture you. You're smart enough to figure out the way things are on your own. Luck to you.
What do you want Dan? All I want are some good friends, good music, and some fun in life. Seems simple enough, but it keeps me so busy I don't have time to chase anything else. I don't look for things to make me unhappy, unlike you typical realist. Well, I must go. Regards,
Abby
I just remembered the time that Trinity was saying something nasty about me to Nicole. He never wanted us to go out in the first place. Abby came up and said something really nice about me to her and helped to save me. My goal now is to wrap up everything about the two of them and get on with my life. I don't really want to include this next one but I must.
A: Well Daniel? What do you have to say for yourself? Why do you like
her?
D: Because she's someone to talk to when you're not around!
A: Cute, but flattery will get you nowhere. Truly, why?
D: That is truly!!! She's just in my Ecology class and we just
started talking a couple days ago.
A: OK - but why just when I'm not around? What (as a person) do you
like?
D: Because, by chance, I never see the two of you at the same time!
She's nice, interesting, just like you! Why, aren't I allowed to
like her?
A: OK. Yes, you are allowed to do whatever you will. I ask, because I
don't know what you are thinking. Stacy said you liked her in
particular (as a possible relationships) and I wondered why. Just
speculation.
D: Stacy's just bullshiting because of gossip a bunch of guys said a
long time ago. Besides, why do you believe Stacy over on
something in my life? People try to read so much between the
lines, don't they, and maybe Stacy's jealous. You like my usual
short sentences?
A: I don't believe Stacy over you. So what was this malicious gossip?
I'm nosy.
D: Stacy already told you probably! Blow job.
A: What? I've no idea what you're talking about.
D: So
A: Nice. So what about your life? You never tell me anything about
it.
D: Yes I do. I'm a wonderful legendary person! I work at Busch
Gardens.
That gossip came from the time we were all in Hopkin's office at lunch. Ross was telling us about the time she was in his car and gave him a blow job while he was driving. I just now whinced. I remember how our little joke used to be "I bet you can't make me swerve" while I was driving and how she once told me how much she hated the armrest in between the seats because it got in her way. DAMN IT! She also told me the six guys she's had sex with - Mario, Preston Ely, Brian Nunez, Tim Martin, Eric Minetti, and Mark Middleton. Get out the yearbooks! I used to tell her that I was lucky number seven, and I could have been! It's all my fault... but I've learned alot.
Daniel,
Hello. I hear (from Stacy, of course) that you talked to Nicole
for a while. Joy to you. You can't have a conversation for that long
with me. She must like you a lot to talk to you for so long. Sigh. So
she's a step up from me, huh? (he, he) I think that's kinda funny.
I'm happy. I'm going to see a friend of mine in a play at Plant
HS. then we're going to a party afterwards. I hope it's fun. I know
he's a good actor. I've seen him do some acting before. (He's a good
dancer, too. We moshed at the "They Might Be Giants" concert.)
Anyway. I don't suppose you would want to help me with my Trig
homework? I need some help. I'm confused. When I sit in that class I
feel stupid. Like an idiot or fool. But I suppose you wouldn't
understand that. I wouldn't think you'd feel stupid in ANY way. It
must be nice to be smart. Oh well, I must go know. Write back please.
I'd like to know what you're thinking.
Abby
That must have been the night that we talked for five hours until two in the morning! I tried calling Abby Monday night but she wasn't home. I left a message with her mom that Dan had called. Abby called Tuesday afternoon. I remember her telling me that her boyfriend, Dave, admitted being jealous of me. That's cool! He recalled that time at Larry's when she was all over me and sitting in my lap. Anyways, she and I were talking about having sex during a thunderstorm, and how much we'd both enjoy doing so. As we ended, I told her to call me someday when it's raining.
Dan,
I think that I am depressed all the time. But smiling too much
is sort of a coverup. Not always, but then, I can't be depressed 24
hrs a day (I'm sleeping for some of them.) As for why, well, I guess
because being weird takes its emotional toll. I'm not well liked
(personally, like - "Hey, Abby's a nice person, I want to be her
friend." It ends up more like "Hey Abby's weird, I like to laugh at
her") and I can't get along well with others all the time. And my
friends lately are treating me like hell. Sigh. I want to scream and
I want to cry because it hurts to be silent but I can't open my mouth
and speak. i've got to go.
Abby
I also wrote stuff every once in a while when I was overwhelmed such as...
My day could have just become a horrid one, for I always leave situations such that i'll do really well or crash and have a bad day. I can't wait for Sea World tomorrow. I can't wait for nicole tomorrow. My life is becoming a fascinating adventure. My heart is racing. Romance the one of your dreams thriftily? Thin Bits and Pepsi on a bus... perfect!!! Why is it always right even when it seems hopelessly impossible. I need Nicole Hayden. She was even in my dreams last night. I must be in love for her image vexes my mind and my heart speeds up upon a mere thought of her. This also is not just because she is talking to me, Abby is constantly talking sex to me, but I feel nothing.
and...
We're so stupid !!! So very stupid. I care more about you than anyone else right now. Yes, even myself! I LOVE YOU! I keep trying to convince myself that we're through but I can't. You're too overwhelming. We're too alike. I haven't talked to you you now for two days. You looked so beautiful Yesterday. I hurt. this is the first time I have ever felt so deeply about someone. I just realized that writing this to you and GIVING it to you could get you back. But I'm scared i might lose you forever. I just want to talk to you some more. Our simple yet wonderful conversations, our fun times. Notice how much fun we had Tuesday even though we had just parted. We even ended up kissing although we shouldn't have, but I would do it again.
I remember that V neck pink shirt she was wearing. It was my favorite outfit of hers. She looked extremely beautiful in it. I felt so awful that I couldn't tell her. God, memories. I remember that last kiss in my car in front of her apartment so vividly. I can almost still taste it now. She also wrote me a couple of notes on computer at school. Here they are...
Hey there, honey! I know I am wonderfully sweet to sit and type you a little love note. So what do you want to do if anything tonight? It is up to you. I'll talk to Pam and see if she wants to do anything though. (Or to see if she would get mad if you and I do something. I don't want to leave her at home alone though. But I want to see you more. Problems, problems.
I thought your little note was cute. You even spelled Ich Liebe Dich right. VERY GOOD!!! Write me another one. That is if you get a chance-and feel like thinking about me!!
Well, I'd better go.
LOVE YA,
***NICOLE***
Hey there, honey! How are ya? I am sorry I am being so bitchy.
In a week or two I will be better. Okay. I just have a lot on my mind
right now. Please just put up with me. Well since I just have a minute
left, I guess I should be going. See you after school! We get to paint
again--aren't you happy!
Well, I'd better go.
Ich Liebe Ya,
***NICOLE***
And then we broke up that Monday, April 27th. And that's a wrap!
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