Well, I just graduated a beauty named Karen Tapp as the newest member of my personal fan club. She's that gorgeous straight haired blonde who lives on the eleventh floor in my tower. It was just over a week ago when I first decided to say hi to her in public outside of class. We both had a biology and a psychology exam today and I struck up a conversation first thing in biology lab last night about them. Natalia then showed us our total points in the class so far and it took three girls to add up the points to find out how many our score was out of, and they were all wrong!!! I finally went up there and did it quickly in my head after even Natalia screwed up on paper. Bunch of stupids. There is this one girl who is sorority looking who asks questions about everything, except her question are really basic and stupid, and really frequent. She has to be the most naive person I've ever seen and must have lived a very sheltered life so far!
But back to Karen. Donald ended up sitting next to me and we talked about our test in Greco Roman culture and inquired to which essays each other wrote about. Eva ended up sitting at the far end of the table and we only said hi. I thus turned around and paid full attention to Karen until Natalia started talking. We all rushed trough lab, and I spent most of my time studying a human skeleton with Karen and Eva which was a fun waste of time. I accidentally let Karen slip away without asking to walk home with her which was a mistake, but oh well. I sat along the isle in Psychology today mainly so I could get out easier when I was finished, but also because she usually sits there. After a while, she came up, we smiled and said hi, and she sat right next to me. We talked all about our biology exam this morning and then got a little personal.
She's going to Tampa this weekend to see her sister who lives there. I thus ended up telling her all about my job at Busch Gardens and she liked that and told me that her sister has some friends who work there. She'll be staying up here over the summer, and she works at Kash n Karry. We were both talking about how really exhausted we are which was a good topic since we don't know each other yet. I hope this is the beginning of a nice little friendship across my classes. She'd be a damn good asset. I also swear I caught Griggs looking at me sitting with her. Maybe he was impressed.
I had Ashley call me this morning before her first period class so that I could get out of the room and read my notes before the exam. It was only seven in the morning and still dark outside! Ashley called and said that Laura already went to call the elevator so I went down and knew that I'd surprise her walking around the corner. It was funny because of the cute little expression I got from her. Ashley and I went to study last night at around 9:30. Actually, she just dropped by the room after leaving her sorority house and I was in my pajamas. We talked for a few and she told me just to come down when I was ready. I finished up the important stuff about my call to Shar¡ in yesterday's journal before I headed down. I had told Shar¡ that after she said to call back at nine, I decided to stick around the room a while instead of leaving. She thought it was nice that I stayed until I told her that however, I missed going to study with Chris and would be going with Ashley instead. She made her cute little pouting noise and said that she'd rather I'd gone and study with Chris. I laughed to myself and then told her about how Ashley and I studied Wednesday night from eight until two in the morning, and also walked to Taco Bell for dinner. I thought to myself that two can play at this game. Chris and Jon both praised me for doing so. I did however tell Shar¡ that Ashley is an almost married devote Catholic and told her she has nothing to worry about. She asked me what I was doing hanging out with her then?!, and I told her that I don't know, I just always seem to go for the extremes. I wasn't quite sure if I should have said that but it's too late now.
I went downstairs to be greeted by Jessica and Laura. It appears that Jessica belched for the first time even though the other's are always doing so, She was really embarrassed and it was really funny. I relaxed on the fouton next to Laura after her invitation and we talked for a while about "us" and Ashley joined in on the conversation, telling Laura some of the stuff I've said. It was really funny and I actually told Laura that I do still love her since she is usually the one that tells me. It was pretty interesting. It's always interesting... I was visiting Amy and Leigh Anne a little while ago and told them about my newest "girlfriend." Leigh Anne first asked me if I was going home and I told her I have nothing to go home to anymore, but ended up retracting that statement kind of.
I told Ashley later as we studied that I tried to use her name to make Shar¡ jealous and then told her the story. it was funny. We ended up walking to Burger King to get food first this time and ate there so I could get free refills. I ordered two double cheeseburgers, and she got one and some fries. I ordered a drink and the cashier handed me my cup, but the server also put one on my plate. I hid the one in my hand and then handed it to Ashley who appreciated it. Ashley told me that I'm a really bad influence on her because first she ate at Taco bell, and now this. It was fun though and I told her that she needs the real food for her brain to use on the tests. We talked a lot about Shar¡ and Daniel like we always do. We then went to Turlington only to find out all of the doors were locked. I suggested the elevator, and surprise!, it opened up. When it got to the second floor it almost didn't open and we started laughing as I said that we don't try that anymore. I then joked that we would have ended up studying in the elevator until somebody freed us in the morning and we laughed.
We read a newspaper and talked for a while in the room as a prep for our studying. She told me that she has already kissed a couple of guys this year. She said that she was drunk once recently at a sorority party and ended up kissing a guy and pictures were taken. She says that she was really embarrassed especially when a friend of her and Daniel's from Valrico saw it. I had a crazy notion that I want to kiss her just because of the awesome friend that she is and thought that I'd picture Shar¡ if I ever did so. We have become extremely emotional with each other, but can still joke around and have lots of fun. That's something I truly miss with Shar¡ and it's solely because I'm not there all of the time, and I think about that all of the time. It's almost like life is trying to teach me that long distance sex isn't mentally healthy, because of Abby and Shar¡.
Ashley and I also joke around about sex a lot!!! She has a habit of putting markers in her mouth and I'll always refer to her giving a blow job. I told her last night that she's getting better at it and she started laughing and almost blushed. She bit the end of it as she took it out of her mouth and I commented that she screwed up on that part, you're not supposed to use your teeth. It's really funny. She and I were talking about the Meatloaf song "I would do anything for love (but I won't do that!)" and I told her why I like it so much. I told her about how it came on when Shar¡ and I were having sex so it also has a strong sentimental value. That's when I told Ashley my entire meeting Shar¡ and dissing Laura story from the summer. I admitted that it was almost only for sex at the beginning because I I knew I'd be leaving really soon and didn't think that was enough time to do what we did. Ashley told me that she thought she heard some of that story before from Laura, which is funny.
On the way home last night, we were both delirious from lack of sleep and couldn't of been having more fun drunk. We were joking around and laughing almost hysterically. There's these hedges along the walkway and when we;re depressed in the mornings we'll always joke that we're going to walk through them, not really caring that something's in the way. Well, she decided to do so for real tonight but didn't make it very far before the plant "spit" her back out as I put it. it was hilarious and I made millions of beautiful comments about that on the way home. When we got to her room, she let me borrow some really good CDs to copy including The Rose!!! She has two really good love song tapes that she said I can use as well. She's so wonderful! We then listened to some good country music while she showed me her scrapbook of her and Daniel.
Back to this morning, Ashley and I were still joking around and laughing a lot and it was all inside leaving Laura essentially out in the cold. Poor her. As we parted with Laura, Ashley and I were still laughing and it was cool to let Laura see how much I get along with her roommate before I go back to hitting on her. I sat outside on a brick wall and studied while Ashley took her first period chemistry quiz. We then walked to biology. I saw quite a few people I know and was talking to all of them and was glad to in front of Ashley. She walked up to a group of girls and started talking to this one. Fran‡oise was there, too, so I started talking to her for quite a until we got to the door.
Ashley and I walked to the stadium after class so she could redeem her Gator Growl coupons. I then left her at the gym to work out as I went to the library to study for my Psychology exam and things proceeded with Karen form there.
Friday, October 15, 1993
Thursday, October 14, 1993
October 14, 1993 - Thursday - At least she's thinking
I just talked to Shar¡ and I really think I've won her back over rather well. I almost opened up this journal with, "I just talked to my lover...," but I didn't quite feel comfortable doing so. I wanted to call her for a few minutes just to stick myself in her mind before she ran off to Livestock. I called around seven and her dad said that she went over to the neighbors but to call back in ten minutes and he'd make sure she was there. He even recognized my voice, finally!!! When I called back twenty minutes later, Buffy told me that Shar¡ ended up going with them to Wal Mart to get diapers for Cord but wanted me to call back around nine. I did, and she answered.
Shar¡ told me that she got my letter and Cord's present and really liked the book. That came in a separate sentence like she really meant it, too.
She said that she's going to shoot pool with Christina since she isn't going out with her tomorrow night. She said that she wearing my my Bud shirt and I asked her if she still wears that thing, and she said yes, and that she always thinks of me when she wears it. Shar¡ then quickly said that she thinks about me a lot more than that and then explained that she just felt like that needed to be said! I told her that I had been wondering a lot lately about what she's still feeling in my last letter. She asked me what I meant by doubting her for sending a letter, and I knew that would come. I had already made an excuse that some of the stuff is partly sarcastic and it sucks because it reads worse that I wrote it, but it was already in the mail by the time I realized it. She was trying to zip up her shorts and was having a little trouble and told me that she's getting a big tummy!!! I asked her if she's getting fat, and she said no!
She also told me that they talked to that guy up at Mulligans who was "flirting" with her and she said he was asking about me and wanted to know how often I come down so he can make sure he doesn't show up when I'm down. I found that rather funny and told her that I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway and didn't realize that he saw me. But intimidation is always good. Her little lovers in the band she hangs out with now are also going to let her sing a song on stage at one of their gigs which she thinks is cool.
I asked her if she's heard of a group called Smashing Pumpkins. They're rock/alternative and are really good. She said of course and I told her about a concert at Florida Theater that they're having and I think I'm going to go. She told me that there are a lot of people down there in tampa that would love to go to that... and she's one of them.
Shar¡ told me that she got my letter and Cord's present and really liked the book. That came in a separate sentence like she really meant it, too.
She said that she's going to shoot pool with Christina since she isn't going out with her tomorrow night. She said that she wearing my my Bud shirt and I asked her if she still wears that thing, and she said yes, and that she always thinks of me when she wears it. Shar¡ then quickly said that she thinks about me a lot more than that and then explained that she just felt like that needed to be said! I told her that I had been wondering a lot lately about what she's still feeling in my last letter. She asked me what I meant by doubting her for sending a letter, and I knew that would come. I had already made an excuse that some of the stuff is partly sarcastic and it sucks because it reads worse that I wrote it, but it was already in the mail by the time I realized it. She was trying to zip up her shorts and was having a little trouble and told me that she's getting a big tummy!!! I asked her if she's getting fat, and she said no!
She also told me that they talked to that guy up at Mulligans who was "flirting" with her and she said he was asking about me and wanted to know how often I come down so he can make sure he doesn't show up when I'm down. I found that rather funny and told her that I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway and didn't realize that he saw me. But intimidation is always good. Her little lovers in the band she hangs out with now are also going to let her sing a song on stage at one of their gigs which she thinks is cool.
I asked her if she's heard of a group called Smashing Pumpkins. They're rock/alternative and are really good. She said of course and I told her about a concert at Florida Theater that they're having and I think I'm going to go. She told me that there are a lot of people down there in tampa that would love to go to that... and she's one of them.
Tuesday, October 12, 1993
October 12, 1993 - Tuesday - Refocus on Laura, Letter
Today has been my most busy day in quite a while. As I finished everything up around nine, I walked back to Beaty and was waiting for the elevator with two other people. The door opened, and there was Laura!, my long lost friend!!! We called out each other's names in surprise. She said that a friend of hers is picking her up to go watch a football game and I should come wait with her. Like I had a choice. She looked really pretty and smelled awesome, too. I was definitely impressed. She complained right off the bat that I called last night and didn't even talk to her. I explained that at least I told Ashley to say hi, and then admitted that I was thinking about her today and how I really needed to call and talk to her. She really liked that. We caught up on things pretty quickly and hugged for some reason on the walk towards the bench near the parking lot.
All I have to do is accuse her of not loving me any more and I can get an instant hug and the prettiest brown puppy dog eyes. She told me that Ronnie called and said that he wanted to come up one day next week just to see her. She effectively brushed him off but did say that she got all the latest Busch Gardens gossip, like the Kumba is now it's own unit. I joked that we should drop out of college and go back now and she got excited and was all for it. I said that we could start every morning at 7:30 and then pool in grounds on our days off. It would be just like the good old days. It was really funny. We talked about Ashley some, such as her extreme love for Daniel, and her daily salads that she eats at the sorority house.
She then asked me how my girlfriend is and I told her that I don't care. Chris and I had been talking about Laura a few nights ago and how I should definitely reopen that channel. I tried my best tonight. I then told her that I think that was the biggest mistake of the summer, when I decided on Shar¡ over her, because it was all in one day. She suddenly remembered it all and agreed that it was the day that I broke her heart! I suggested that we should have just ditched all of those people that went to Despaparados that night and gone to a movie like we had said earlier. She remembered and strongly agreed that we should have, because then Shar¡ would never have happened. Of course this was all said with a tint of humor in each of our voices. I really want to explain to her that because we always joke around so much, I never know or knew back at Busch Gardens when she is being serious. It would be perfect!
I also came up with a rather funny argument. I told her that my roommate (Chris) always told me to make a girl like you more, you have to make her jealous. Laura said that it's true. I then told her that's why I picked Shar¡ that night, to make her like me even more. She kind of laughed and said very sarcastically that she likes me so much more because of that. She told me how I ripped her heart out of her chest, threw it to the ground, and trampled all over it that night when she came to the party and saw Shar¡ and I sitting on the stairway together. I admitted that I didn't want to take Shar¡ there because of her, but I think that needs a little more developing for Laura to fully understand that I am serious.
Laura told me that she started seeing this guy named Carl for a couple of weeks but then quickly added that he only wanted a social relationship and they are dating other people. I thought that was cute and want to talk to her again really soon!!!
I went to the infirmary today and had a tuberculosis skin test. What used to be a little four prong pricker is now a needle! which surprised me. It only took a few minutes before I left and headed to the Hub to buy a blue examination booklet for my test in my Greco Roman civilization class. I grabbed a complimentary cup of Gatorade before I left. As I walked in, up came Ashley, my other wonderful friend! We had skipped biology this morning because she had an important exam in anthropology and needed to study. We were glad to see each other and talked for quite a while. I then walked home with her and we parted in the elevator. We both admitted that we are going nuts for our brains seem to be running way too actively lately. It was funny and we were being rather ridiculous to each other.
Oh yeah, I got a letter from my lover today... bitch. I wrote her back a somewhat demanding five page letter and sent it out already along with Cord's present. I didn't make a copy of it though, for I had already sealed the envelope and that really sucked. Maybe that will bring me better luck.
All I have to do is accuse her of not loving me any more and I can get an instant hug and the prettiest brown puppy dog eyes. She told me that Ronnie called and said that he wanted to come up one day next week just to see her. She effectively brushed him off but did say that she got all the latest Busch Gardens gossip, like the Kumba is now it's own unit. I joked that we should drop out of college and go back now and she got excited and was all for it. I said that we could start every morning at 7:30 and then pool in grounds on our days off. It would be just like the good old days. It was really funny. We talked about Ashley some, such as her extreme love for Daniel, and her daily salads that she eats at the sorority house.
She then asked me how my girlfriend is and I told her that I don't care. Chris and I had been talking about Laura a few nights ago and how I should definitely reopen that channel. I tried my best tonight. I then told her that I think that was the biggest mistake of the summer, when I decided on Shar¡ over her, because it was all in one day. She suddenly remembered it all and agreed that it was the day that I broke her heart! I suggested that we should have just ditched all of those people that went to Despaparados that night and gone to a movie like we had said earlier. She remembered and strongly agreed that we should have, because then Shar¡ would never have happened. Of course this was all said with a tint of humor in each of our voices. I really want to explain to her that because we always joke around so much, I never know or knew back at Busch Gardens when she is being serious. It would be perfect!
I also came up with a rather funny argument. I told her that my roommate (Chris) always told me to make a girl like you more, you have to make her jealous. Laura said that it's true. I then told her that's why I picked Shar¡ that night, to make her like me even more. She kind of laughed and said very sarcastically that she likes me so much more because of that. She told me how I ripped her heart out of her chest, threw it to the ground, and trampled all over it that night when she came to the party and saw Shar¡ and I sitting on the stairway together. I admitted that I didn't want to take Shar¡ there because of her, but I think that needs a little more developing for Laura to fully understand that I am serious.
Laura told me that she started seeing this guy named Carl for a couple of weeks but then quickly added that he only wanted a social relationship and they are dating other people. I thought that was cute and want to talk to her again really soon!!!
I went to the infirmary today and had a tuberculosis skin test. What used to be a little four prong pricker is now a needle! which surprised me. It only took a few minutes before I left and headed to the Hub to buy a blue examination booklet for my test in my Greco Roman civilization class. I grabbed a complimentary cup of Gatorade before I left. As I walked in, up came Ashley, my other wonderful friend! We had skipped biology this morning because she had an important exam in anthropology and needed to study. We were glad to see each other and talked for quite a while. I then walked home with her and we parted in the elevator. We both admitted that we are going nuts for our brains seem to be running way too actively lately. It was funny and we were being rather ridiculous to each other.
Oh yeah, I got a letter from my lover today... bitch. I wrote her back a somewhat demanding five page letter and sent it out already along with Cord's present. I didn't make a copy of it though, for I had already sealed the envelope and that really sucked. Maybe that will bring me better luck.
Monday, October 11, 1993
October 11, 1993 - Monday - We're still going out!..
Well, I didn't get my letter from Shar¡ today and it pissed me off more than anything. I wondered if she lied about it and if so, then why she did because it would only delay me finding out for a few days before I bitched her out. I was completely ready to call it quits if that's what she is trying to do. I tried to tell myself not to call her until I get a letter, but my willpower isn't that strong. I knew doing so would tear me apart and I don't need that with three exams coming up this week.
I went to today's classes and actually went to my sixth period psychology class, although it was an eternity, rather than rushing home to check the mail. We did get our essays back in my composition class and this had been a pretty major one. I got an A, and a million comments. A lot of times he really liked my points and referred to a couple as excellent or well stated. He left me a note at the bottom of the paper that read, "Most of this paper is very good - clearly written with some excellent insights. there ar points where it could be improved and developed, but what you have done shows talent and intelligence." Damn!!! I was very impressed and in love with what he had told me!!! This for the first draft of a paper, which is always my best. As I read it for the first time as a whole, it did seem to flow marvelously and did touch upon all of the major points he talked about since the papers were turned in. Damn I'm good! My mother reminded me of what a good writer I am by bragging to Ed yesterday and now this from a graduate professor in the English department. I immediately started on an interesting perspective on death in my notebook, which I will complete later.
So I called Shar¡ at five just after the rates changed to the cheaper evening ones. She sounded glad to hear from me. I told her what I had done today and about Coming Out Week, this big fag festival. They put out papers today that said anybody wearing jeans or jean shorts supports the cause. They came in the mail after everybody would already have gotten dressed. It was smart and funny but it sucked. Instead of listening, I talked quite a bit during this phone call. She did ask if I have gotten her letter and I said no, and emphasized a belief that she probably never even sent one but she swore she did. We were talking about before, and she said that she misses getting a letter every three days, because she actually started to feel special. I reassured her that she is special and reminded her that it was her who broke the chains. She really sounds like she feels bad and I told her, jokingly, that I've been sitting and waiting for the mail every day and my life has been totally pointless lately. She said that she really felt bad but I told her not to. It was funny and wasn't as pathetic as I've made it sound.
She told me once that she might be going to Livestock this weekend, and I again expressed my disgust that she won't be with Cord on his actual second birthday. I know it's not that important, and so does she because he is only two. She then told me that she might not be going if she cant find a sitter for him and I said that is good. I was going to offer to go in her place but I never did. I did tell her that Cord might not know the difference now, but when he's old enough, say fifteen, I'll tell him how his mother didn't even stick around for his second birthday! That was funny. I told her that I wouldn't do that to her. I did make it so that it sounded two ways: I could either have been married to her, or just a friend coming up to Cord just by the way I said it. I was careful. She told me that she'll tell him that Daddy Dan wasn't there either (that was awesome because she called me Daddy Dan!!!!!) and agreed that neither was Mommy Shar¡. That was kind of funny and very insinuating. I retorted that I would have come if only she would have stayed...
We were talking about something else and she called me Dear!!! that's the first time I've heard that in over two weeks!!! I called her Dear beach, sarcastically. And we started saying it back and forth to each other and it was rather funny. She finally busted out calling me Honey very sweetly! that at least means we're still going out as of right now! and that's very good news to me because I really wasn't sure... she mentioned again about going to Daytona sometime in the Spring, and I told her to send me a postcard and I'll send one from Mardi Gras! She said that she just might have to make a trip up to go with me and I found that rather funny. I told her about our little talk that you never take a girl that you like to Mardi Gras. I also mentioned about the car full of girls also going, because I know the one and met her over the summer at Busch. Shar¡ asked me something about if I did anything with this girl like I did with her, since I "met" her over the summer as well. I pretended I was confused and I was, why was she asking me this? We kept talking about it and she explained that we got close, and asked if I did with this other girl. She might have thought I was referring to her again as a double person like I did in my letters, because it sounded that way. I told her no, that I've only talked to her twice since I've been up here and she also has stolen my blender.
She then told me that she enjoys confusing me and laughed. I told her that I enjoy pretending to be confused and laughed back! but then told her I was indeed. I then offered to drop it, and she asked what I wanted to drop? The conversation? The topic? Her? I said the topic rather quickly and asked her why I had any reason to drop her. She said that I don't and we made a couple more meaningless statements to that effect. It could have very well just been because I've been acting so oblivious lately which might have caused her to wonder. She later told me that she has something on her mind, and then said that she actually has two things on her mind. I asked her what they are but she still won't tell me the second one. She said that she really wishes I was down there with her. I asked her if that is really what she is thinking, and she said yes.
I asked her about the other thing and calmly pressured her for anything I could get out of her about it. She told me that it's still only half on her mind right now because she's really not trying to think about it yet. She then said, and it took her a while to spit it out that she want's to wait until she figures out exactly how she wants to tell me and said one other statement about waiting for her body to figure it out??? or something really weird like that. I don't remember whether she said it is good or bad this time, but she was leaning towards good I believe. She said that it deals with her, and after a pause, said that it deals with me, too, of course. I told her that I hate to be left hanging like this because now I'll be wondering. I narrowed down a time when she'll be ready to tell me and she finally said that it won't be within a week, but won't be more than a month. I really don't know.
It sounds as if it could be another guy that she's considering and is planning on telling me how much She loves me, but I'm just too different from her in too many ways and so on. I can hear her saying it, too, and probably would be rather relieved that his whole mess is over. I would definitely take it very graciously but would hate the fact that I have to pay such a big phone bill for something entirely nonexistent. I would also tell her that it is a relief because we thought she was pregnant! That would be rather interesting. Chris said that she's probably going to tell me that she wants to marry me, which I took as asking for a commitment and seriously doubt! The whole thing is pretty weird and I don't know what to think. If she is pregnant, she might not want to tell me now in case it is a false alarm and she also might not want to tell me right now if she thinks I'm having second thoughts because she's afraid I'll leave her for good. Damn I want to know!!! My sarcastic little mind keeps telling me shit like she's probably only waiting to ask me what size I wear to get me something for my birthday... or whatever. It's really freaking me out!!!!! I hate to even think about the other guy situation because she just really sounds like she's getting back into us again...
I also told her that I bought Cord an easy to mail birthday present but wouldn't tell her what it was.
I called Jenn tonight for the first time in a long time and we talked for quite a while. She had left me a message last week and I never called her back but I told her that I never got it. She was telling me that she and Chris have decided to date other people and I complained that I wasn't the first person she came running to. She said that we did do a few things together last year and will have to get together soon. She did joke that she checked her mail every day for a week before and a week after her birthday waiting for a card from me because she remembered that I said I'd send one. I told her at the beginning of the year that I lost my address book, though, so I am still in the clear. She knows I got her the yellow gloves for stress but we want to rent the movie and see it again.
I went to today's classes and actually went to my sixth period psychology class, although it was an eternity, rather than rushing home to check the mail. We did get our essays back in my composition class and this had been a pretty major one. I got an A, and a million comments. A lot of times he really liked my points and referred to a couple as excellent or well stated. He left me a note at the bottom of the paper that read, "Most of this paper is very good - clearly written with some excellent insights. there ar points where it could be improved and developed, but what you have done shows talent and intelligence." Damn!!! I was very impressed and in love with what he had told me!!! This for the first draft of a paper, which is always my best. As I read it for the first time as a whole, it did seem to flow marvelously and did touch upon all of the major points he talked about since the papers were turned in. Damn I'm good! My mother reminded me of what a good writer I am by bragging to Ed yesterday and now this from a graduate professor in the English department. I immediately started on an interesting perspective on death in my notebook, which I will complete later.
So I called Shar¡ at five just after the rates changed to the cheaper evening ones. She sounded glad to hear from me. I told her what I had done today and about Coming Out Week, this big fag festival. They put out papers today that said anybody wearing jeans or jean shorts supports the cause. They came in the mail after everybody would already have gotten dressed. It was smart and funny but it sucked. Instead of listening, I talked quite a bit during this phone call. She did ask if I have gotten her letter and I said no, and emphasized a belief that she probably never even sent one but she swore she did. We were talking about before, and she said that she misses getting a letter every three days, because she actually started to feel special. I reassured her that she is special and reminded her that it was her who broke the chains. She really sounds like she feels bad and I told her, jokingly, that I've been sitting and waiting for the mail every day and my life has been totally pointless lately. She said that she really felt bad but I told her not to. It was funny and wasn't as pathetic as I've made it sound.
She told me once that she might be going to Livestock this weekend, and I again expressed my disgust that she won't be with Cord on his actual second birthday. I know it's not that important, and so does she because he is only two. She then told me that she might not be going if she cant find a sitter for him and I said that is good. I was going to offer to go in her place but I never did. I did tell her that Cord might not know the difference now, but when he's old enough, say fifteen, I'll tell him how his mother didn't even stick around for his second birthday! That was funny. I told her that I wouldn't do that to her. I did make it so that it sounded two ways: I could either have been married to her, or just a friend coming up to Cord just by the way I said it. I was careful. She told me that she'll tell him that Daddy Dan wasn't there either (that was awesome because she called me Daddy Dan!!!!!) and agreed that neither was Mommy Shar¡. That was kind of funny and very insinuating. I retorted that I would have come if only she would have stayed...
We were talking about something else and she called me Dear!!! that's the first time I've heard that in over two weeks!!! I called her Dear beach, sarcastically. And we started saying it back and forth to each other and it was rather funny. She finally busted out calling me Honey very sweetly! that at least means we're still going out as of right now! and that's very good news to me because I really wasn't sure... she mentioned again about going to Daytona sometime in the Spring, and I told her to send me a postcard and I'll send one from Mardi Gras! She said that she just might have to make a trip up to go with me and I found that rather funny. I told her about our little talk that you never take a girl that you like to Mardi Gras. I also mentioned about the car full of girls also going, because I know the one and met her over the summer at Busch. Shar¡ asked me something about if I did anything with this girl like I did with her, since I "met" her over the summer as well. I pretended I was confused and I was, why was she asking me this? We kept talking about it and she explained that we got close, and asked if I did with this other girl. She might have thought I was referring to her again as a double person like I did in my letters, because it sounded that way. I told her no, that I've only talked to her twice since I've been up here and she also has stolen my blender.
She then told me that she enjoys confusing me and laughed. I told her that I enjoy pretending to be confused and laughed back! but then told her I was indeed. I then offered to drop it, and she asked what I wanted to drop? The conversation? The topic? Her? I said the topic rather quickly and asked her why I had any reason to drop her. She said that I don't and we made a couple more meaningless statements to that effect. It could have very well just been because I've been acting so oblivious lately which might have caused her to wonder. She later told me that she has something on her mind, and then said that she actually has two things on her mind. I asked her what they are but she still won't tell me the second one. She said that she really wishes I was down there with her. I asked her if that is really what she is thinking, and she said yes.
I asked her about the other thing and calmly pressured her for anything I could get out of her about it. She told me that it's still only half on her mind right now because she's really not trying to think about it yet. She then said, and it took her a while to spit it out that she want's to wait until she figures out exactly how she wants to tell me and said one other statement about waiting for her body to figure it out??? or something really weird like that. I don't remember whether she said it is good or bad this time, but she was leaning towards good I believe. She said that it deals with her, and after a pause, said that it deals with me, too, of course. I told her that I hate to be left hanging like this because now I'll be wondering. I narrowed down a time when she'll be ready to tell me and she finally said that it won't be within a week, but won't be more than a month. I really don't know.
It sounds as if it could be another guy that she's considering and is planning on telling me how much She loves me, but I'm just too different from her in too many ways and so on. I can hear her saying it, too, and probably would be rather relieved that his whole mess is over. I would definitely take it very graciously but would hate the fact that I have to pay such a big phone bill for something entirely nonexistent. I would also tell her that it is a relief because we thought she was pregnant! That would be rather interesting. Chris said that she's probably going to tell me that she wants to marry me, which I took as asking for a commitment and seriously doubt! The whole thing is pretty weird and I don't know what to think. If she is pregnant, she might not want to tell me now in case it is a false alarm and she also might not want to tell me right now if she thinks I'm having second thoughts because she's afraid I'll leave her for good. Damn I want to know!!! My sarcastic little mind keeps telling me shit like she's probably only waiting to ask me what size I wear to get me something for my birthday... or whatever. It's really freaking me out!!!!! I hate to even think about the other guy situation because she just really sounds like she's getting back into us again...
I also told her that I bought Cord an easy to mail birthday present but wouldn't tell her what it was.
I called Jenn tonight for the first time in a long time and we talked for quite a while. She had left me a message last week and I never called her back but I told her that I never got it. She was telling me that she and Chris have decided to date other people and I complained that I wasn't the first person she came running to. She said that we did do a few things together last year and will have to get together soon. She did joke that she checked her mail every day for a week before and a week after her birthday waiting for a card from me because she remembered that I said I'd send one. I told her at the beginning of the year that I lost my address book, though, so I am still in the clear. She knows I got her the yellow gloves for stress but we want to rent the movie and see it again.
Sunday, October 10, 1993
October 10, 1993 - Sunday - Shari, My family visits
And alas a week has started off for the better! I was awaken after a somewhat sleepless night at 8:20 by Chrissy telling me they were on their way. I laid in bed a little while longer before heading downstairs to start four loads of laundry that desperately needed done. If my parents would have seen all of those dirty clothes, they would have freaked. I ended up timing the loads perfectly.
After everything was drying, I gave Shar¡ a call. She sounded excited to hear from me and we talked for quite a while about nothing much really. She did say that she ended up tearing up the old letter because it was old news and writing me a new one before mailing it on Thursday. It very much sounds like she never mailed me one in the first place... I was being kind of quite just because I wanted to hear her talk and she wanted me to talk as well instead of just agreeing with everything she was saying. I though about how I used to always do that with Kimmeth, mainly listen. We were discussing how often I should call and she said she'd like me to call every two to three days so she can hear my voice. She was also talking about my idea of her getting a phone card and how she might not be able to because she doesn't have a job and so on, like getting a credit card. I liked the fact that she at least thought about the idea and did come up with a very good excuse which impressed me.
She asked me once if I had gotten those pictures of us developed yet, and I said no. She was thinking that she should get a camera and take pictures of all the things she does and people she hangs out with so I can see them all. She also was saying that I should come down more often than I am planning on. She said once that her stomach hurts. I piped up saying it's not my fault trying to be suggestive and she started laughing!!! When I asked her what she thought was so funny about that, she wouldn't tell me, no matter how much I insisted. I don't know whether she was laughing at me, or the TV, or whatever but maybe I am the reason her stomach hurts... Towards the end of our talk she was asking me if I was sure that I didn't have anything to talk about, because I usually do when I call. I tried to make it clear that I just wanted to talk to her (yeah... are you pregnant?!?) while the rates are the lowest. She said that she just wanted to make sure that there isn't something I wanted to say that I'll regret not saying later. She mentioned the time I wanted to talk about the letter and we never did.
My dad called me from downstairs right about then which was great! My clothes had just finished drying and I had them all help me bring them upstairs and fold and hang them. I was very glad for the help. My dad talked to Jon in the living room while we did so and while I visited Cathy. I let them watch Groundhog Day as I fixed lunch and showed them everything wonderful I have done so far this year like my test grades in German culture. We then went shopping in town at Target and Albertson's. I was going to buy cord a card and cover it with big Barney sticker - something he'd recognize. Shar¡ already said that she didn't really like people sending money when she was talking about an Aunt of hers. I thought about doing so but wouldn't trust her not to use it for cigarettes. But I really wanted to get him something so she would remember me every tine he uses it. I found this really cool hard book that has Barney teaching colors and thought it was perfect. I used to love those when I was little and feel better getting him something educational rather than just another toy. Now she can think about me whenever she reads it to him if she does.
After getting groceries, we went back to the room and had turkey sandwiches before they left for home. They met Ed just before they left as well and he actually presented himself as somewhat intelligent because he kept his mouth shut for the most part.
Later on, Leigh Anne came over and talked a long time with me. She then was rooting around in the stuff on my computer and found the pictures I have. She then proceeded to look at every pornographic picture I have and was rather disgusted by a lot of them. I admired her persistence and swore I don't ever look at them. It has actually been a hell of along time since I have except for the new ones I made of Shar¡ and Cord.
After everything was drying, I gave Shar¡ a call. She sounded excited to hear from me and we talked for quite a while about nothing much really. She did say that she ended up tearing up the old letter because it was old news and writing me a new one before mailing it on Thursday. It very much sounds like she never mailed me one in the first place... I was being kind of quite just because I wanted to hear her talk and she wanted me to talk as well instead of just agreeing with everything she was saying. I though about how I used to always do that with Kimmeth, mainly listen. We were discussing how often I should call and she said she'd like me to call every two to three days so she can hear my voice. She was also talking about my idea of her getting a phone card and how she might not be able to because she doesn't have a job and so on, like getting a credit card. I liked the fact that she at least thought about the idea and did come up with a very good excuse which impressed me.
She asked me once if I had gotten those pictures of us developed yet, and I said no. She was thinking that she should get a camera and take pictures of all the things she does and people she hangs out with so I can see them all. She also was saying that I should come down more often than I am planning on. She said once that her stomach hurts. I piped up saying it's not my fault trying to be suggestive and she started laughing!!! When I asked her what she thought was so funny about that, she wouldn't tell me, no matter how much I insisted. I don't know whether she was laughing at me, or the TV, or whatever but maybe I am the reason her stomach hurts... Towards the end of our talk she was asking me if I was sure that I didn't have anything to talk about, because I usually do when I call. I tried to make it clear that I just wanted to talk to her (yeah... are you pregnant?!?) while the rates are the lowest. She said that she just wanted to make sure that there isn't something I wanted to say that I'll regret not saying later. She mentioned the time I wanted to talk about the letter and we never did.
My dad called me from downstairs right about then which was great! My clothes had just finished drying and I had them all help me bring them upstairs and fold and hang them. I was very glad for the help. My dad talked to Jon in the living room while we did so and while I visited Cathy. I let them watch Groundhog Day as I fixed lunch and showed them everything wonderful I have done so far this year like my test grades in German culture. We then went shopping in town at Target and Albertson's. I was going to buy cord a card and cover it with big Barney sticker - something he'd recognize. Shar¡ already said that she didn't really like people sending money when she was talking about an Aunt of hers. I thought about doing so but wouldn't trust her not to use it for cigarettes. But I really wanted to get him something so she would remember me every tine he uses it. I found this really cool hard book that has Barney teaching colors and thought it was perfect. I used to love those when I was little and feel better getting him something educational rather than just another toy. Now she can think about me whenever she reads it to him if she does.
After getting groceries, we went back to the room and had turkey sandwiches before they left for home. They met Ed just before they left as well and he actually presented himself as somewhat intelligent because he kept his mouth shut for the most part.
Later on, Leigh Anne came over and talked a long time with me. She then was rooting around in the stuff on my computer and found the pictures I have. She then proceeded to look at every pornographic picture I have and was rather disgusted by a lot of them. I admired her persistence and swore I don't ever look at them. It has actually been a hell of along time since I have except for the new ones I made of Shar¡ and Cord.
Saturday, October 9, 1993
October 9, 1993 - Saturday - I'm pissed off at Shari!
I think I'm going to fucking cry!!! That no good, worthless, stupid, cunt whore of a girlfriend I have still hasn't gotten a letter to me and I'm getting extremely frustrated and pissed off!!! My sorry little self actually waited at the mailboxes today as the sorted through all of the mail just to see if it had arrived. As the last of my lingering hopes were once again violently smashed, I picked up what was left of myself and managed to live for the rest of the day. No that's not suicidal... It's just a way to emphasize feelings that normally get lost when transferred to paper. My hopes had actually been a little higher today because she said she'd be mailing it back on Thursday. Bitch!!!!! This week had to have been the most wasted worthless one of my life... all because I'm waiting for something that might be gone for good, and not even worth waiting for in the first place. I just wanted a letter so I could carry on with my life. Now I must wait again for two more days until Monday.
My parents are supposed to come up tomorrow and maybe that will be the spark that I need to cause a good week to follow. that would break this seemingly endless rut I have found myself in. I hope tomorrow's a good day. The worse thing about it all, is that this to me is the most important letter because I still feel that it could very well be the make it or break it point in our relationship. Unless she is pregnant which I have exhausted so much in my mind that I am now sick of the very thought and consider the chances of such an event to be extremely minute. I plan on calling the bitch tomorrow morning before my parents get her for only a few minutes. Watch the cunt not be home...
My parents are supposed to come up tomorrow and maybe that will be the spark that I need to cause a good week to follow. that would break this seemingly endless rut I have found myself in. I hope tomorrow's a good day. The worse thing about it all, is that this to me is the most important letter because I still feel that it could very well be the make it or break it point in our relationship. Unless she is pregnant which I have exhausted so much in my mind that I am now sick of the very thought and consider the chances of such an event to be extremely minute. I plan on calling the bitch tomorrow morning before my parents get her for only a few minutes. Watch the cunt not be home...
Friday, October 8, 1993
October 8, 1993 - Friday - Ashley & health, Bettina
I left this morning for biology class on my own, for Ashley has a first period class on Fridays. She made sure to remind me this time because I foolishly forgot last week. As I was buying the newspaper, I saw Eva walking out of her tower and was glad to have somebody to walk to class with. Once again she was showing off her breasts as exquisitely as usual in an orange shirt that brought out her freckles beautifully. Oh yeah, I just put in my Enya CD for the first time in a long time, and it has almost relaxed me already.
Anyway, I hoped that Ashley would be sitting outside waiting for me and see me walking up with Eva. Eva usually sits towards the front and I parted with her outside before even going into the class. Ashley saw her indeed and asked who that was. I told her that I just couldn't walk to class alone so I found somebody. She asked me if she has been replaced and gave me her best puppy dog eyes and I asked her blatantly how I could ever replace someone as wonderful as her! She loved that and I proceeded to make some more really awesome comments to her in class. I told her this is why Laura used to call me a really good bullshitter and that was funny. I was having fun being really nice to her. We talked about Shar¡ a little bit for today's topic of discussion was contraception. "What's that?!?", I asked and we both agreed that I'd be a really good person to comment on it to the class during discussion.
We also talked about how nice Daniel was being to her. She said that he said just a few things, including that he loves her, and it has completely melted her beyond belief. She said that if only he knew how little it took to make her feel like that about him. I thought rather sadly how sometimes someone feeling so strongly will actually scare away the one they love...
I walked with her to the fitness center after class and we talked for a long while. I went into the fitness planning office and weighed myself and then we both picked through their many brochures. I found some on caffeine, sexually transmitted diseases (you can tell where my mind was), and how to stop smoking and thee effects of secondhand smoke. Ashley found me one on weight gain which I gladly took. After we parted I walked into the infirmary and asked about a tuberculosis skin test that I need to volunteer at Shands and also asked if they give STD tests and she said that they do. I picked up the quarterly health brochure and the main article dealt with condoms breaking! That was essentially my case since we didn't use one at all. It's kind of freaky how everything about unprotected sex is popping up all over the place right now in my life. It hasn't made me paranoid at all, it's just rather strange.
I called home a little while ago and I think my family is coming up this weekend on Sunday to visit. That's cool. I was telling mother that I actually am volunteering like I said I would and she said I can't now because I'll get AIDS. Chrissy heard that and said that I better be waiting until I'm married because she thought we had been talking about sex. I said that I already have done that and she kept on with what she was saying but I know she heard me. We had also just finished talking about how I always tell the truth even though I'll pretend that I'm joking so that I can get out of stuff later if something does go wrong. It was kind of funny. She asked me again if I've dumped Shar¡ yet thinking that we were almost broken up but I quickly explained that it wasn't really that bad, although I'm really not sure how bad it got that weekend.
Jon was going to walk to Eckerds today and I went with him to keep him company and to look around. I also wanted to go to the library to read the whole stack of Parents magazine I saw the other day and to check out a cookbook for potatoes because Jon bought a fifteen pound bag. Jon has been telling us lately about this really cool computer network on campus where you can talk simultaneously with people around the world and he ended up taking me to Circa and letting me use his account to try it. I was amazed. It is truly international! When you start you have the option of creating a subject area where people can come in and talk to you, or you can just visit other areas, and there are lots from serious matters to pornographic ones. I used the alia Kumba because Jon saw my watch and suggested it for lack of a better one. We started in a place called [snip] but it was very boring and once I had mastered it, Jon left me to play.
I found one called "Lady_talk" with about six people talking and I went in. The creator was a girl named Tina and she was talking solely with a guy named Hammer while the other sat dormant. I decided to butt into the conversation and kept making points to her until Hammer just gave up and left. Eventually everybody left after Tina and I started talking solely to one another. I just wanted to see how far I could take it and I tried to get her to give me a clue about herself that I could start picking on but she wanted me to pick what direction I was going to take our conversation. I decided to be serious and told her what Kumba meant and asked her where she works. She said something about helping the underprivileged. I found out that she was in Germany!!! which I kind of thought a little earlier. It was amazing that I was having live conversation with a girl across the world!!!
She told me at he beginning while Hammer was still watching that she bets her English is awful for me. I kissed ass and told her not at all, that she was doing quite well, and how could I possibly hold that against her anyway. She thanked me for being so kind. I explained to her what I do at Busch Gardens and she asked me if I like it. I decided to appeal to her interests like I would if I were trying to hit on a girl in person and told her that I love working with the people. That got her and she told me about how she does the same in her job after school and eventually wants to become a physiotherapist. I had already told her that I want to become a doctor.
Tina, or Bettina, was born in Menden although she is Dutch. I picked up that she enjoys Germany but doesn't love it and correctly guessed that she wants to move to the Netherlands someday. When the lab was ready to close at five, I told her that I must go, and she asked me if I'd write her a letter. I asked her if she meant over the computer and she said no, a proper letter. The little seventeen year old German girl then gave me the following: Bettina Veneman, [snip] Menden, Germany. I thanked her and gave her mine after she asked. I was being extra nice at the end as we said goodbye.
It was a real power trip to have gone in and completely take over an area after usurping an already deep conversation. to top it off the people involved were simultaneously worldwide. It amazes me for some reason. I think I will write her...
Anyway, I hoped that Ashley would be sitting outside waiting for me and see me walking up with Eva. Eva usually sits towards the front and I parted with her outside before even going into the class. Ashley saw her indeed and asked who that was. I told her that I just couldn't walk to class alone so I found somebody. She asked me if she has been replaced and gave me her best puppy dog eyes and I asked her blatantly how I could ever replace someone as wonderful as her! She loved that and I proceeded to make some more really awesome comments to her in class. I told her this is why Laura used to call me a really good bullshitter and that was funny. I was having fun being really nice to her. We talked about Shar¡ a little bit for today's topic of discussion was contraception. "What's that?!?", I asked and we both agreed that I'd be a really good person to comment on it to the class during discussion.
We also talked about how nice Daniel was being to her. She said that he said just a few things, including that he loves her, and it has completely melted her beyond belief. She said that if only he knew how little it took to make her feel like that about him. I thought rather sadly how sometimes someone feeling so strongly will actually scare away the one they love...
I walked with her to the fitness center after class and we talked for a long while. I went into the fitness planning office and weighed myself and then we both picked through their many brochures. I found some on caffeine, sexually transmitted diseases (you can tell where my mind was), and how to stop smoking and thee effects of secondhand smoke. Ashley found me one on weight gain which I gladly took. After we parted I walked into the infirmary and asked about a tuberculosis skin test that I need to volunteer at Shands and also asked if they give STD tests and she said that they do. I picked up the quarterly health brochure and the main article dealt with condoms breaking! That was essentially my case since we didn't use one at all. It's kind of freaky how everything about unprotected sex is popping up all over the place right now in my life. It hasn't made me paranoid at all, it's just rather strange.
I called home a little while ago and I think my family is coming up this weekend on Sunday to visit. That's cool. I was telling mother that I actually am volunteering like I said I would and she said I can't now because I'll get AIDS. Chrissy heard that and said that I better be waiting until I'm married because she thought we had been talking about sex. I said that I already have done that and she kept on with what she was saying but I know she heard me. We had also just finished talking about how I always tell the truth even though I'll pretend that I'm joking so that I can get out of stuff later if something does go wrong. It was kind of funny. She asked me again if I've dumped Shar¡ yet thinking that we were almost broken up but I quickly explained that it wasn't really that bad, although I'm really not sure how bad it got that weekend.
Jon was going to walk to Eckerds today and I went with him to keep him company and to look around. I also wanted to go to the library to read the whole stack of Parents magazine I saw the other day and to check out a cookbook for potatoes because Jon bought a fifteen pound bag. Jon has been telling us lately about this really cool computer network on campus where you can talk simultaneously with people around the world and he ended up taking me to Circa and letting me use his account to try it. I was amazed. It is truly international! When you start you have the option of creating a subject area where people can come in and talk to you, or you can just visit other areas, and there are lots from serious matters to pornographic ones. I used the alia Kumba because Jon saw my watch and suggested it for lack of a better one. We started in a place called [snip] but it was very boring and once I had mastered it, Jon left me to play.
I found one called "Lady_talk" with about six people talking and I went in. The creator was a girl named Tina and she was talking solely with a guy named Hammer while the other sat dormant. I decided to butt into the conversation and kept making points to her until Hammer just gave up and left. Eventually everybody left after Tina and I started talking solely to one another. I just wanted to see how far I could take it and I tried to get her to give me a clue about herself that I could start picking on but she wanted me to pick what direction I was going to take our conversation. I decided to be serious and told her what Kumba meant and asked her where she works. She said something about helping the underprivileged. I found out that she was in Germany!!! which I kind of thought a little earlier. It was amazing that I was having live conversation with a girl across the world!!!
She told me at he beginning while Hammer was still watching that she bets her English is awful for me. I kissed ass and told her not at all, that she was doing quite well, and how could I possibly hold that against her anyway. She thanked me for being so kind. I explained to her what I do at Busch Gardens and she asked me if I like it. I decided to appeal to her interests like I would if I were trying to hit on a girl in person and told her that I love working with the people. That got her and she told me about how she does the same in her job after school and eventually wants to become a physiotherapist. I had already told her that I want to become a doctor.
Tina, or Bettina, was born in Menden although she is Dutch. I picked up that she enjoys Germany but doesn't love it and correctly guessed that she wants to move to the Netherlands someday. When the lab was ready to close at five, I told her that I must go, and she asked me if I'd write her a letter. I asked her if she meant over the computer and she said no, a proper letter. The little seventeen year old German girl then gave me the following: Bettina Veneman, [snip] Menden, Germany. I thanked her and gave her mine after she asked. I was being extra nice at the end as we said goodbye.
It was a real power trip to have gone in and completely take over an area after usurping an already deep conversation. to top it off the people involved were simultaneously worldwide. It amazes me for some reason. I think I will write her...