Well, I didn't get my letter from Shar¡ today and it pissed me off more than anything. I wondered if she lied about it and if so, then why she did because it would only delay me finding out for a few days before I bitched her out. I was completely ready to call it quits if that's what she is trying to do. I tried to tell myself not to call her until I get a letter, but my willpower isn't that strong. I knew doing so would tear me apart and I don't need that with three exams coming up this week.
I went to today's classes and actually went to my sixth period psychology class, although it was an eternity, rather than rushing home to check the mail. We did get our essays back in my composition class and this had been a pretty major one. I got an A, and a million comments. A lot of times he really liked my points and referred to a couple as excellent or well stated. He left me a note at the bottom of the paper that read, "Most of this paper is very good - clearly written with some excellent insights. there ar points where it could be improved and developed, but what you have done shows talent and intelligence." Damn!!! I was very impressed and in love with what he had told me!!! This for the first draft of a paper, which is always my best. As I read it for the first time as a whole, it did seem to flow marvelously and did touch upon all of the major points he talked about since the papers were turned in. Damn I'm good! My mother reminded me of what a good writer I am by bragging to Ed yesterday and now this from a graduate professor in the English department. I immediately started on an interesting perspective on death in my notebook, which I will complete later.
So I called Shar¡ at five just after the rates changed to the cheaper evening ones. She sounded glad to hear from me. I told her what I had done today and about Coming Out Week, this big fag festival. They put out papers today that said anybody wearing jeans or jean shorts supports the cause. They came in the mail after everybody would already have gotten dressed. It was smart and funny but it sucked. Instead of listening, I talked quite a bit during this phone call. She did ask if I have gotten her letter and I said no, and emphasized a belief that she probably never even sent one but she swore she did. We were talking about before, and she said that she misses getting a letter every three days, because she actually started to feel special. I reassured her that she is special and reminded her that it was her who broke the chains. She really sounds like she feels bad and I told her, jokingly, that I've been sitting and waiting for the mail every day and my life has been totally pointless lately. She said that she really felt bad but I told her not to. It was funny and wasn't as pathetic as I've made it sound.
She told me once that she might be going to Livestock this weekend, and I again expressed my disgust that she won't be with Cord on his actual second birthday. I know it's not that important, and so does she because he is only two. She then told me that she might not be going if she cant find a sitter for him and I said that is good. I was going to offer to go in her place but I never did. I did tell her that Cord might not know the difference now, but when he's old enough, say fifteen, I'll tell him how his mother didn't even stick around for his second birthday! That was funny. I told her that I wouldn't do that to her. I did make it so that it sounded two ways: I could either have been married to her, or just a friend coming up to Cord just by the way I said it. I was careful. She told me that she'll tell him that Daddy Dan wasn't there either (that was awesome because she called me Daddy Dan!!!!!) and agreed that neither was Mommy Shar¡. That was kind of funny and very insinuating. I retorted that I would have come if only she would have stayed...
We were talking about something else and she called me Dear!!! that's the first time I've heard that in over two weeks!!! I called her Dear beach, sarcastically. And we started saying it back and forth to each other and it was rather funny. She finally busted out calling me Honey very sweetly! that at least means we're still going out as of right now! and that's very good news to me because I really wasn't sure... she mentioned again about going to Daytona sometime in the Spring, and I told her to send me a postcard and I'll send one from Mardi Gras! She said that she just might have to make a trip up to go with me and I found that rather funny. I told her about our little talk that you never take a girl that you like to Mardi Gras. I also mentioned about the car full of girls also going, because I know the one and met her over the summer at Busch. Shar¡ asked me something about if I did anything with this girl like I did with her, since I "met" her over the summer as well. I pretended I was confused and I was, why was she asking me this? We kept talking about it and she explained that we got close, and asked if I did with this other girl. She might have thought I was referring to her again as a double person like I did in my letters, because it sounded that way. I told her no, that I've only talked to her twice since I've been up here and she also has stolen my blender.
She then told me that she enjoys confusing me and laughed. I told her that I enjoy pretending to be confused and laughed back! but then told her I was indeed. I then offered to drop it, and she asked what I wanted to drop? The conversation? The topic? Her? I said the topic rather quickly and asked her why I had any reason to drop her. She said that I don't and we made a couple more meaningless statements to that effect. It could have very well just been because I've been acting so oblivious lately which might have caused her to wonder. She later told me that she has something on her mind, and then said that she actually has two things on her mind. I asked her what they are but she still won't tell me the second one. She said that she really wishes I was down there with her. I asked her if that is really what she is thinking, and she said yes.
I asked her about the other thing and calmly pressured her for anything I could get out of her about it. She told me that it's still only half on her mind right now because she's really not trying to think about it yet. She then said, and it took her a while to spit it out that she want's to wait until she figures out exactly how she wants to tell me and said one other statement about waiting for her body to figure it out??? or something really weird like that. I don't remember whether she said it is good or bad this time, but she was leaning towards good I believe. She said that it deals with her, and after a pause, said that it deals with me, too, of course. I told her that I hate to be left hanging like this because now I'll be wondering. I narrowed down a time when she'll be ready to tell me and she finally said that it won't be within a week, but won't be more than a month. I really don't know.
It sounds as if it could be another guy that she's considering and is planning on telling me how much She loves me, but I'm just too different from her in too many ways and so on. I can hear her saying it, too, and probably would be rather relieved that his whole mess is over. I would definitely take it very graciously but would hate the fact that I have to pay such a big phone bill for something entirely nonexistent. I would also tell her that it is a relief because we thought she was pregnant! That would be rather interesting. Chris said that she's probably going to tell me that she wants to marry me, which I took as asking for a commitment and seriously doubt! The whole thing is pretty weird and I don't know what to think. If she is pregnant, she might not want to tell me now in case it is a false alarm and she also might not want to tell me right now if she thinks I'm having second thoughts because she's afraid I'll leave her for good. Damn I want to know!!! My sarcastic little mind keeps telling me shit like she's probably only waiting to ask me what size I wear to get me something for my birthday... or whatever. It's really freaking me out!!!!! I hate to even think about the other guy situation because she just really sounds like she's getting back into us again...
I also told her that I bought Cord an easy to mail birthday present but wouldn't tell her what it was.
I called Jenn tonight for the first time in a long time and we talked for quite a while. She had left me a message last week and I never called her back but I told her that I never got it. She was telling me that she and Chris have decided to date other people and I complained that I wasn't the first person she came running to. She said that we did do a few things together last year and will have to get together soon. She did joke that she checked her mail every day for a week before and a week after her birthday waiting for a card from me because she remembered that I said I'd send one. I told her at the beginning of the year that I lost my address book, though, so I am still in the clear. She knows I got her the yellow gloves for stress but we want to rent the movie and see it again.
No comments:
Post a Comment