I finally figured out in words what was going partially through my mind that weekend down there, and how I finally dealt with it: Because I get to see you and be with you so very rarely, I was being greedy and trying to get as much physically out of the time we did have together without thinking into the future. If I do cool off, which I have, then there is a much better chance of you being there with me down the road, when there will be plenty of time for everything. I do need to continue seeing you as the friend you are now and try to have as much fun as we possibly can when we are together.
But, I am someone who always needs a bit of physical contact just so I feel special even if only for a fleeting instant. I wasn't feeling that way at all, and if it was there I was probably blocking it because of what Christina said, which is why I felt `deprived and depressed.' I'm really sorry you took that to think I was talking about getting laid, but it was actually the farthest thing from it. I wanted mainly just to sit down and talk to you and I'm glad things worked out the way they did at the park Sunday night where we did at least get to talk for a while. During that talk was when I came to the realization above, and I suffered as I watched you entirely close up Monday even though I had taken on that attitude. That pissed ME off. But I didn't say anything, and neither did you, and we need to start talking to each other when something is bothering us instead of trying to let it blow over because those feelings tend to build up and can be dangerous...
So do you still want me to transfer down to USF? What are your thoughts about that, and what will happen between us when I do? It's Saturday night right now, and I think I need to stop writing until I get a letter from you. I didn't even mean for this to be a letter, it was actually part of my journal but why not tell you what I was thinking? Jon's girlfriend arrived a little while ago which is what got me thinking about you, and what we'd be doing if you had come, which prompted me to start writing.
I was thinking about our conversation on the phone yesterday morning and kind of thought you sounded somewhat happy and content talking to me. That made my day better and it made me realize something... the letter you were writing will probably be a make it or break it letter for me. I signed the letter with an "I do love you..." and if I don't get a good salutation back, then I'll know to what extent to shut down my feelings towards you like you keep suggesting to me. I already plan on that being the first part of the letter I look at, where you sign your name because that so easily describes the mood you are in when you finished writing the letter. Just like your eyes, I can pretty easily figure it out, unless you were to blatantly lie.
If you are still determined for us to stop and wait with our relationship, I can clamp up and turn off my feelings now. But if I do I don't think I'll ever know when to turn them back on again. I'd always be afraid that if I do, you'll still be against it and my mind just won't let me take that chance. It would be almost entirely up to you. You found out how hard it was to get me to open up about my feelings in the first place. If you hadn't written how you felt in that first letter, it probably would have been a long time before either of us said anything to each other if we ever would. I know that I was scared from all that you said about not wanting relationships and if you would have left it up to me, nothing would ever have been said no matter how much I wanted to say something. I valued your friendship too much and the slightest thought that I would scare you away by saying how I felt would be what kept me shut up forever.
That's why, when you told me in that two hour phone call after that weekend that you shouldn't have told me what you were feeling so soon, I was crushed. If you hadn't, we wouldn't really have much to go on and our relationship would have probably faded and would be lost before we ever found out how strong it is(was?). But as I said, I'm not sure what you're up to about us right now so I'll wait until I get that letter. I just hope you understand all of the stuff that I was trying to say, but it's OK if you're confused, because you are damn cute when you are confused!!! - I love you!!!
It also sucks that you are going to Livestock because I want to go!!!
Oh yeah, you ARE a cunt!!!
I went back and was reading my journal from the beginning. I started it the day I left high school because there was just so much important shit that I thought would be worth remembering later. I never thought that I'd have the determination to keep it up as long as I have, and am actually for once impressed with myself. Anyway, I was reading about Kimmeth, my "best" friend who lives in Ft. Lauderdale. She and I met and worked together at Busch Gardens the summer before last. I was really looking forward to hanging out with her when I came home this summer only to find out a week before school ended that she was moving. We hung out as much as possible those two weeks before she moved and had quite a bit of fun.
At the time, Busch Gardens said they wouldn't be rehiring us until the first week in June and that gave me an entire month off. Kimmeth and I came up with a plan where I would get an apartment with her down in Ft. Lauderdale for the summer. She is twenty-five and has an art and design degree already so she said that she'd get me a job down there. She also has a couple of friends with their own big boats and I could have ended up working with one of them. The whole thing seemed perfect, I'd be meeting a lot of new people and would really be out on my own for the first time. You're somewhat on your own up here, but you're still pretty much pampered with money from home. We both just figured it'd be a good experience for me. My parents even were going to let me go without too much bitching.
The only reason I didn't go is because a man from Busch Gardens called up FOUR people and offered us back our jobs early. I needed the money and took it, giving up my summer in Ft. Lauderdale. The whole point is, I came so very close to moving away all summer and it just made me realize how easily we could have never met. I'm really glad things turned out the way they did because I ended up having a pretty good summer because I stayed (and an awesome end to the summer!!!).
Dammit... it's still Saturday and I need to stop writing to you until I know whether or not I should be telling you this stuff!!! Stuff like, I love you...
Oh yeah, unless you're just using her for her car and apartment, then I think you are fucking stupid for keeping Christina around. If anybody talked behind my back after I told them stuff that should be kept between us...
My friend Cecil thinks I'm fucking crazy for having unprotected sex with you, kind of like playing Russian roulette. He's freaked that someday he might get a girl pregnant. His girlfriend has a Norplant that's supposed to be more than 99% effective, and it still scares him to think about that one percent.
I went back last night and was reading through my elaborately growing journal. I am very proud of my work of art and am glad that it's going on so well. There are so many things that I would have forgotten that are now preserved. It's like having an open window into all of the stuff swirling around in my subconscious, and I like that. There's always a point where I don't like to read the most recent ones about my daily life. Right now that cut off point is the day I met Shar¡. It was the longest time before I wanted to read about the Spring semester of this year. I also never wanted to read about Melissa because it brought back memories of her. Now it is awesome to go back and see what happened in my life and the whole thing is also an antidepressant for when I think that nothing ever goes right.
Anyway, I was reading about Kimmeth last night and I rediscovered some amazing stuff. I had forgotten how extremely close we had gotten and I feel amazingly stupid for almost letting our relationship lose out to the time and distance between us. I almost moved to Ft. Lauderdale with her at the beginning of the summer!!!!! If I had, I would have never met Shar¡ and actually would probably be happier. I really need to tell Kimmeth everything and think the best way to do so will be by letter. I'll call her in a few days and get her new address. It'll be cheaper, and I don't think I could say everything right on the phone. She needs some background information before we discuss it. But I plan on using the fact that I almost moved away as an advantage on Shar¡.
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