Say it is true. Imagine her surprise when she does tell me and I tell her that I know! She'll want to know how and then I'll explain it to her that I figured things out October the sixth which is kind of why I called her that night. That also explains my really stilted conversation with her, and she did leave me saying that something important has come up that she wants to wait to tell me about...
I don't know right now what I should be thinking about the whole matter. Maybe her important occurrence has nothing to do with the matter and I'm just carrying this whole thing too far. But maybe I should try and deal with it all know, for even if it is a false alarm, it's a pretty fun and new emotional "fire drill!" I used to be so desperate that I actually wanted to get Nicole pregnant just to keep her with me forever. Now that something of the sorts may have happened I get to see how I truly feel about the whole deal that I used to think about so much.
The bad things would be, for one, I'll hate the fact that having a kid might seem like a reason for us to have a permanent relationship and I didn't want it to seem that way. I can prove my side of the story from my journal. I'd just have to trust her side of the story and that might be hard for me to do. I also really don't like the idea of her smoking anything while she's pregnant if she is. When I called yesterday she was out having a cigarette. Stupid bitch. If she is pregnant and were to keep smoking pot and cigarettes as much as she does, that would definitely be enough to drive me out of her life for good. If she's that stupid and uncaring, I don't want to have a thing to do with her.
I was thinking about time last night as well. I wondered, if it is true, if she'd wait and surprise me with a slightly growing belly for my birthday! She also was up here from September third through sixth, making nine months come right at the end of May. That would mean that I come home from college right in the period when she'd be having it which would be cool because I'd be able to be there with her from the start. I just keep thinking that none of this is true and it's probably unhealthy for me to be thinking about this as much as I am so I guess I'll just go on with my life and what I know to be true.
Chris and I had a long talk about the meaning of life and happiness last night in a classroom in Turlington where we were studying. We were first amazing ourselves with the actual number of red blood cells in the body. There are five to six million in a cubic millimeter of blood! Each one of these blood cells then contains 250 million molecules of hemoglobin!!! That's mind boggling! We were also talking about how two gametes grow and divide to form such an amazing system as the human body including the brain. We were talking about the subconscious and what it is and what are beliefs are on spiritual aspects of it and so forth. It was an extremely intelligent and interesting conversation and it would have been awesome to have it recorded to listen to later. He said that someday the knowledge of how the body develops will be just as common as our knowledge of making a book is today. To a prehistoric man, it would be beyond his grasp, as life is currently beyond our grasp.
We were then talking about happiness and what it is. As soon as we die, what real purpose will there have been to our lives. Even though we will both be seeking medical professions, we realized that we will be making people better, just so that they can go on to be worthless and die and mean nothing as well. There were some amazing revelations to us as we had always denounced modern societies way of living, but had never made such a perfect argument against it. We looked back in history at some of the great leaders and realized that even though they brought an empire to it's greatest height, or so forth, they then died and it usually crumbled and nothing important came out of their lives either. Over the realm of time everybody is so insignificant that it's not even funny. So what is our purpose of being here?
Chris and I both think that the ancient ways of philosophy and thought and appreciation of the world were a beautiful way of life that have been lost by modern society entirely. I realized ironically that we would probably be happiest in a monastery with women where everybody puts in their equal work to be happy and comfortable. He and I both strongly agree that if we could go somewhere with natural beauty and keep food on the table for our families, then we would be more than happy and extremely content. We've talked of islands, and running with the gypsies through Europe. He also learned that people working on cruise lines in Greece, or any tourism industry for that matter, can make tons of money just by being bilingual and are always happy. Like I am at Busch Gardens. We had many more thoughts through the evening and they all seem so wonderfully compromising. I admitted again that I would have given up everything to live simply with Kimmeth in the Virgin Islands because to me, that life is paradise.
There's more, which gets violent so I'll leave that out for now...
Should I tell Kimmeth that I think I got a married woman pregnant and she'll have the baby if she is?!?
I ran into Ashley this morning in front of Turlington and we talked for a few minutes. She had an awesome talk with Daniel that she bragged long and hard about. I busted out with, `Shar¡ missed her period!,' but then went on to tell her what actually happened. It was kind of funny because I was thinking earlier that I really wanted to talk to Ashley but I never see her on Thursdays. That was a great coincidence running into her. I then went to my Greek and Roman class where I got a ten on my weekly quiz for the second week in a row. I felt special and Dr. Turner commented that I made excellent points on my essay answer which surprised me because I had no real notes on the topic and compiled everything together out of my head. I sat near this really good looking tall blonde who knows that I always look at her and was looking back today. We'll smile at each other every once in a while which is cute. She has an awesome body but doesn't really know how to show it.
I walked by this blonde from my biology and psychology classes today at Beaty. I really want to make a point of meeting her. We walked by each other once yesterday and recognized each other but didn't say anything. Today I said hi and she said hi back in a somewhat surprised tone. That was cool. I then saw her in lab a few hours later and joked with her once which was cool. She lives on the eleventh floor of my tower as well. When Eva came in, she sat on the opposite side of this Chinese boy in our front row and I looked at her and told her to get over here and sit by me. She said oh and laughed and quickly came over. Although we weren't supposed to, we worked together on the slides and the crayfish dissection which made it so much more fun. We then walked home together and parted at the front doors of her tower.
I wasn't really alive enough to go study tonight. After Chris left I watched the video tape of Shar¡, and have been listening to my Meatloaf CD with the song, Anything For Love. I also was just lying in bed reading some of her letters and looking at all of the pictures of her, wondering, "What if?"
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