Happy birthday mom!
The entire world seems to be falling apart... everything is coming crashing down, just like that letter said... maybe I believe in fate and stuff too much but there are always so many things to make it seem so real...
Shar¡ gave up her life again...
I always liked to compare my situation with Shar¡ with Ashley and Daniel because they always seemed to coincide in a sense. It was kind of a mental way for me to cope with having to be separated from Shar¡, kind of like bullshit in my mind. But my intuition has always been better than that...
So it all begins...
Let me elaborate: The phone has been ringing off the hook the past half hour and it's after eleven on Friday night. I figured I'd let the answering machine get them just to screen the calls. I thought I was supposed to go with Ed and Roswitha to a party with April. I was more than willing to go, but since it was getting late, I decided against it and didn't want to answer a call from Ed because I knew I would give in and I just didn't feel like it. Nobody left any messages which caused me to believe it was Ed even more. I finally got sick of it and answered one of the calls.
It was Ashley!!! and it sounded like she was calling from a payphone. She left for Brandon this morning after biology class. I had a test today in my German culture class and wanted a good breakfast so I was late in meeting her at class. On Fridays, she has a first period chemistry discussion so we don't walk to class together. It was chilly but the air was really damp and I feel that if it has to be cold, this is the best kind of cold there can be. Most people don't like it but I know that it feels a lot better than dry cold after extended periods of time since I used to work outside at Busch Gardens. We joked around when I got to class and both were in a pretty good mood.
Our friend, Jason, came in just after me and we were looking for cute girls to ask out and it was pretty funny. At the end of class I admitted that our search for attractive girls was thwarted because I had looked at Ashley first and she spoiled me for any of the other girls. The fool made the mistake of cutting her down and she immediately came and hugged onto me. I walked up to the honors office with her because she had an advisement appointment.
I had gone down there yesterday and picked up a new honors course guide and found out that once you have sixty credits, you no longer have to take honors courses!!! Awesome!!! I'm finished!!! It's cool because I started with fifteen credits and didn't join until Spring so I was only obliged to take two classes although I was allowed into honors calculus my first semester. My early registration appointment letter had a nice little asterisk stating that my record had been flagged and I must have academic counseling before I can register. The lines to see your counselor are extremely long this time of the year and that was very discouraging. It wasn't until I was in the honors office that I realized that I bet I could get them to take care of it for me as one of the perks of being in honors. This girl immediately punched it up in her computer and said everything is fine and said that it was just a warning that I need to hurry up and finish general education and apply to a college. That was really cool!
Anyway, Chris and I went to McDonalds yesterday afternoon for a bite to eat. He also needed to get some batteries and I suggested Eckerds across the street. We always have a pretty cool time running about so I was more than happy to go with him despite the fact that I only had a dollar on my person. He said he'd lend me a dollar before we left and we were on our merry way. He read my letter from Shar¡ and we were commenting about her. I knew it was finally time to tell him about Shar¡ attempting suicide and how I could possibly fall in love with a girl with such a fucked up past. I kind of did it to clear my name a little, but also so he could realize what I am going through.
He (and I) agreed that she has got to be pretty damn heartless for what she did and stupid for throwing away a chance at a good life like she did. He agrees fully that if I had spent that amount of emotional effort on any "normal" girl, then she would be probably be mine forever, and there are lots of girls out there like that. But it's just so hard to make that initial spark between two people. Once it's there, we can both completely win them over, and I can do it on such a wide variety of types. I am extremely versatile, and it sometimes amazes me. I admitted that Shar¡ was kind of a challenge that I presented to myself and once I got going, there was no turning back to see how far I could take it. I just hope to someday find a girl that will be able to appreciate what I have to offer her.
Well, I put off heading to the library to study for my exam for a few minutes to be with Ashley because I wanted to tell her the whole truth about Shar¡. I think a lot of things about my relationship kind of fall into place when that last cornerstone is finally cemented in. I complained to both Ashley and Chris that it really bothered me when people asked me why someone as "good as me" was going out with a girl like that, and I could never tell them the real reason and probably the only reason why we lasted any amount of time at all. It was my humanitarian side kicking in and offering her a second and real chance at life... and once again I am separated from the girl when it is most vital that we are together. That's the story of my life...
I said goodbye to Ashley at that point and we were smiling really big at each other. She told me not to think about it too much and I truthfully told her that I wasn't, that I was just thinking about all of the crap I had to go and study then and she laughed. I proceeded to flirt with every girl I could on the walk to the library where I finally settled down and learned everything in probably twice as much detail as I needed to, for my goal wasn't only to get another A, but to impress Mr. Hasty as well.
...I heard her voice and asked her what was up. We talked for a second and she asked me if I knew who it was, and I said of course and said her name. I told her then like I have before that her voice is easy to tell and she doesn't have to tell me who it is every time she calls. I wondered why she was calling and first thought that she might of had car trouble and was calling me while she waited. She told me that she was at a 7-11 in Brandon on Kings Road. She acted a little surprised and asked why I wasn't out and about on a Friday night.
She finally got to the point of her call. She had told me that she was going out with Daniel's younger sister tonight when she got down there. She said that while she was at Daniel's house, he actually called and talked to his dad from Edmond Air Force Base. She then told me that she found out why he hadn't called all week, and why he told her he wasn't going to buy a car. She said that he had talked about buying a motorcycle a lot and had gone out and done so. On Tuesday he was in an accident and broke either an arm or a leg, some ribs, and his neck!!! Fuck!!! The way I used to be, I would have found this to be a wonderful event so I could move in on the kill... but I had feelings of sympathy that I have never felt before because I actually care about her and see her as a true friend. I think that's really rare.
We've been learning a lot of really interesting shit in psychology lately, and today he said there are only a few people that you can be your true self with, and I have found that with Ashley. I think the feeling is mutual because although she tells her emotional stories to quite a few other people, just like I do, there are certain things she tells me that I know she would never tell anybody else. We're kind of like each other's emotional dumps.
But she was telling me about Daniel and really hated the fact that she couldn't drive up there right then to be with him. She said that as soon as she found out, she got really hot and turned red and started feeling sick. Her nerves instantly kicked in. She said that Daniel didn't want to talk to anyone else but his dad and was being taken to have an MRI done right then anyway. She was so upset because she cant be with him or even talk to him, just like the last time he was in the hospital, out in Denver. At least he said that he is OK despite the broken neck! She took his sister out to a country dance club anyway and Shar¡ started getting sick. She left her there and said that she'd pick her up at midnight and then stopped to get something to drink.
I told her that I had been in my room with the radio on loud and it was really lucky that I heard the phone ring. Damn I'm glad I answered that one!!! She told me that she had called about ten minutes earlier and then just drove around for a few minutes until she stopped and called me again. She said that she didn't want to tell anybody down there because they'll just talk and start rumors and she didn't really want to talk to her roommates, so she called me!!! I felt awesome to hear her say that and told her that I'm always here and told her that now I am glad I stayed home tonight and knew there was a reason. Everything she did sounds so much like something I would do in a similar situation and it amazes me once again how much alike we are. She has the perfect romantic personality that I dream to find in a girl that cares about me... I just can't express how good it made me feel that she called ME and how much I want to be there for her.
I told her to be careful as we finally ended our talk. She was crying or almost crying and then laughed about being at a payphone in the middle of Brandon so late at night. I asked her what she was going to do for the next half hour until she was supposed to pick up his sister. She said she was just going to drive around some more to get an icee somewhere instead of a slurpee. At least she had a goal to keep her sane for the time being. Poor baby...
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I never did mention my little trip to the mall with Chris last Sunday... hell I never said anything about the entire weekend!!! And it was an awesome weekend!!! Actually my letter to my little sister kind of summed things up, but not really.
We were all hanging out with the neighbors last Friday night around seven and everybody was kind of drifting back and forth between the two rooms. Everybody was wearing dorm clothes which proved really interesting in Michelle's case. She was working on some quiz on her computer and couldn't figure some of the techniques out. Everybody pointed at me and I went in her room and helped her. I commented on what a really nice computer table they had, and asked where they got it. Leigh Anne said something about some really nice guy who built it for them. Well, Michelle was wearing this pink shirt with the neck ripped out that would kind of fall onto her shoulder quite often. I asked her out in the hallway a little later if she was wearing anything underneath that because she keeps pulling it off of her shoulder and she said no. She has a habit of not wearing bras quite often and I like that in her.
Chris had been massaging Leigh Anne's back and I was the next victim. She told me that it was my turn and I went and sat in a chair in front of her!!! She laughed and said no, that I was supposed to massage HER! I did for a while and Chris picked up later on the fact that she was extremely vulnerable that night and probably would have taken any one of us if we had wanted to. She likes to talk to me and comments every once in a while about how I always listen to her problems and she pulled me off into our room once away from everybody else to tell me why she has been fighting with Delisa.
We all ended up making plans to go out to a party and then to this nightclub called Kaos that was having the finals of their hot body contest where the girls get naked! Chris was so worried about his organic test, that he didn't even want to go. I think it's also due to the fact that he's falling for this girl named Marty and I know I would have felt the same back when Shar¡ and I were emotional. We weren't going to leave until 11:30, but I then got a phone call from Ashley at 10:30 and she asked me if I wanted to go out with them! I jumped at the chance to be with Laura and ditched Leigh Anne. I even had Leigh Anne say hi to Ashley just so she'd know I have other female friends. Leigh Anne was kind of pissed that I sold them out and I tried to talk my way out of it. I eventually did, but not until yesterday.
Laura and Ashley showed up at our room a little while later all dressed up for the night, and I introduced them to Jon and Ed and then went running into my room with Michelle for a minute just to show off. We then parted and drove to Oxford Manor to meet up with a bunch of guys. This one guy named Rob was there and was the one I met back when I gave Laura my blender. He ended up being pretty cool and I talked to him a little bit over the weekend. We drove around to almost every apartment complex in Gainesville and couldn't find a single damn party. Laura nd I were making a lot of our usual bullshit comments to each other and Laura accused me of flattering everyone, and not just her. I said that wasn't true at all and she asked Ashley, which was kind of funny.
After we dropped all of the stupids off, I pull out my party idea and we ran off to Roswitha's apartment complex where the big party of the night was. It was an awesome party, HUGE, and there were girls like Shar¡ everywhere!!! They were hot and ready and I would have loved to stay longer but the kegs were dry and Laura wanted to leave. Damn! We ended up going back to their room and Laura and I sat on the fouton together and watched the last part of Top Gun and we all talked for a while before I showed back upstairs.
Ashley and I decided to go to the biology lab review session Saturday morning. We walked over there and were very tired and really thought that the help session wasn't going to help a damn thing if we didn't know anything going into it. We decided to leave and study, and come back to Sunday's meeting. I remembered how the Florida Museum of Natural History used to have a lot of animal exhibits and suggested that we go inside. I couldn't have come up with a better idea because we ended up learning far more than we ever could have possibly learned in class and had an awesome time doing so! I joked that we should tell everybody but she said that we should keep it our secret so only we'll do good on the exam. Smart girl.
The museum had almost three-quarters of the classes we needed to learn about and was set up, it seemed, like it was tailor made for somebody learning our lab manual. We first learned all about crustaceans and sea animals and all about the special cases in each group because they were all on display as well. We learned funny cues, something we both learned about from Griggs, for some of the harder names. We then went through an exhibit with tons of live insects and we identified each and looked at the structures of the grasshopper which was much more fun on a live species because you could see them in motion rather than on a dead smelly carcass. We also went into the specimen room that has drawer after drawer full of fun things to identify. They even had these acrylic molds of worms that were really important for us to learn. I joked that this was the most use some of those exhibits had gotten in a long time. It was great and I just couldn't get over how much fun we were having and how much we were learning.
We kept naming the taxonomy on every living thing we saw and realized that we'd probably do the same once we left the museum to every animal we see. It was funny. We even went through the gift shop and identified everything we could find. The best part is that a lot of the information stuck in my mind and wouldn't have if I had just studied the book.
The museum also has an artificial cave that looks a lot like the ones we crawled in out in Newberry and I told Ashley all about that. We walked through the cave twice and stood against a railing inside once and talked in the very dim light for quite a while. We were really close and I had the instinctive urge to kiss her and we then joked about how jealous some people would be if they knew we had gone into a cave together like that. It was pretty funny. We eventually went home and I hung out in Ashley's room for a little while only to see Laura running around in her little nightgown looking more gorgeous than ever. That's so damn sexy! Ashley was in her green silk pajamas the night before which defined some very erect nipples rather nicely. I found that pretty interesting.
They called me a little while later and asked me if I wanted to go out. Of course! We went to the grocery store and bought orange juice. I couldn't help but think how much nicer it is to hang out with two attractive girls rather than the group of guys last year at Salem and Monte's apartment. We then went back to the room and Ashley made us all a drink. She made screwdrivers and fuzzy navels. I had three shots in mine and kind of guzzled it, to no avail. Chris says vodka makes him puke but I noticed nothing much for me. I sat with Laura again on the fouton and we got engaged! She broke off her engagement with the guy in the fraternity just to be my fiancee. When Ashley found out, she wanted to see the ring, and I told her that I'd have to wait until I go home for Thanksgiving to get it for her.
Jessica was there, and Rob and a few other people showed up as well. Ashley, Laura, and I took our drinks up to my room to pick out a movie to watch and I introduced them to Chris. We decided on Groundhog Day and went back downstairs. We all ended up watching the World Series and saw the most awesome ending to a baseball game ever! The Blue Jays hit a three run homer in the ninth inning to take the lead and win the game. I have never seen a happier player than the guy who hit that ball. Laura's "casual boyfriend" kept calling her an insisted that they go out and do something despite him being sick. He showed up later and Laura kissed him right in front of me. They were only simple kisses and I would bet that she was doing so just to get back at me for kissing Shar¡ at that party like I did. I completely understand.
The guy is a complete and total dork and I told her I am rather disappointed. The three of us were all on the fouton with Laura wedged in the middle. Carl was mean to her once and she said that it doesn't matter because she is engaged to me and rolled over, putting her arms around me. That was cute. We were looking at the yearbook from Bloomingdale High School and saw Laura with really short hair. The best way to describe it is silly and I love it being much longer like it is now. She complained a lot to me all weekend that it upsets her that people always complement her friends and all but they never say anything to her. I was trying to reassure her and maybe I need to be more serious when I do complement her. They eventually took off to a midnight movie and we all decided to try a party.
I rode in Rob's car with Jessica and we eventually found the party and hung out for a while. There were a couple of the guys there from the night before, Joe and Todd and we said hello. They stopped playing music about the time when we got there and Ashley and I figured that they were trying to get rid of everybody. When we finally did leave, we stopped by Taco Bell. Ashley, Laura and I had talked about Ashley and my trips to Taco Bell earlier on the way to the grocery store and Laura was saying that she is jealous and wants me to take her. I promised to do so sometime. I had told Ashley that I had only been to Taco bell about four times before meeting her and only went twice with Shar¡. We joked that we'll make her jealous by telling her we've been three times and even go at one in the morning together. It was kind of funny.
Ashley and I went to study again on Sunday and ended up sitting on these picnic tables in the middle of a small wooded area and talked about our failing relationships and how life sucks. We also were reading our newspapers, for I stole one for her when I bought mine. When we got home, Chris and I decided to head over to the mall to have our ears pierced. He was getting his second hole, and me my first. We came across the jewelry stand where Cheryl, the girl from my first semester German class works, and we ended up letting her staple our ears. She's looking pretty damn good and we joked around for quite a while. I had a "diamond stud" starter put in and Chris and I bought a nice pair of gold hoops with the twenty percent discount you get on the day of your initial piercing. When we got home, we walked past Ashley, Laura, and I think Rob, heading off to mass in Ashley's car and we said hello.
I went and studied later on and came back to Beaty only to find them under a fire drill. I walked around until I found Laura and she was still in her Church dress. She looked really good and I told her that the alarm rang because she is so hot. Jana was holding Stimpy and was sitting on this couch. Jessica and Rob were there and he had bought him and Laura both a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. She came right up and was standing next to me against the wall and then we sat down together. Leigh Anne was running around with her new boyfriend, Jerry, and Michelle. They were joking around with me for a few minutes and I made sure they saw me with Laura. Laura started feeding me her ice cream and was finding huge chunks of nuts and white chocolate for me to try. It was really fun and I enjoyed myself.
Leigh Anne was over in the room on Wednesday night after I had gone to sleep and she came in the room with a big smile and ruffled my hair. We talked for a few minutes and she told me how upset she was at me for ditching them on Friday night. I told her that I really made a mistake and hoped that she would forgive me. I met up with her outside the room on Thursday on the way to class and we walked together the entire way. The first thing she asked when she saw me is why she felt like shit because she though relationships are supposed to make you happy. I said that I know how she feels and that they hardly ever seem to work out that way. I decided to jump in and take advantage of her fragile state when she told me that she and Jerry have fought continuously ever night this week. She said that he wants her to change a lot, like working out so she can compete with him. She asked me if I like those women with tons of muscles and I truthfully told her that it makes me sick and that I like her just the way she is. I put my arm around her as I said that and she thought it was really sweet.
She mentioned that they are getting along really crappily and they've only been going out for a week. I corrected her saying six days, and that I'll be keeping track until the day we get her back. She counted and realized I have been keeping track, although it was just some quick addition in my head, but she thought that was amazingly well put. I just kept saying all of the right things and she did tell me that she's going to get rid of him if he pulls his shit any more! That's cool. I even went out of my way to get the doors for her and she thought I was being really sweet. She commented once that sometimes she forgets that I was a valedictorian because I act kind of silly. Thanks. But I wasn't being silly then and I though to myself how versatile I can be and how I can make almost any girl very happy by telling her what she wants to hear and what I have to offer.
I almost told her that, but that would have screwed everything up. Chris and I were talking about how I should have stuck around Friday night because she was very vulnerable and I could have easily had her. Maybe I still can... and we talked about how cool it would be to have convenient sex right next door. That would be awesome, and it wouldn't stop very quickly because she is the kind of girl who really needs what I have to offer. She kind of reminds me of Abby, except I want Leigh Anne. Chris and I have also been joking around a lot about how we are constantly starving nowadays. I joked that we used to think about sex all of the time and how much we want it, now we think about food and how nice it would be to have it. We ate like animals last Friday night when we went to this restaurant named Quincys where he took me for my birthday last year. All four of us went and ordered the hot bar and tried tons of everything. I was really surprised I ate so much because I did just official find out about Shar¡ just a few hours before and I recalled how I just didn't care to eat anymore after Nicole and I broke up way back when.
I've been having an awesome time with Karen in psychology class this week. I save her a seat now with my bookbag that I didn't do the first couple of times because I didn't want to seem to eager for her to come sit with me and possibly scare her off. It's cool now that we know about each other's relationship situation at least a little bit. She came bouncing up again to the seat next to me with a big grin on her face on Friday. I smiled and slowly moved my bookbag as she laughed and sarcastically told me to hurry up. I really like just being around her and am trying my best to impress her in any way I can. She's so damn hot!
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