April 3, 1994 - Sunday - Dinner at Chilis, Ashley

I received my best Easter surprise this evening when Ashley gave me a call and asked what's up. I quickly filled her in on everything I have done this weekend and asked the same question of her. She told me that she went and saw Schindler's List and really liked it. I brought up the fact that she signed up for Spanish and she asked how I knew. I told her how I had run into Laura on the way home from Fruit class the other day and we talked for a little while. She then told me the clincher. Daniel got assigned to a special duty that requires him to leave for anywhere from a week to three months to an undisclosed destination where he won't be allowed to call or write anybody! Poor Ashley. Daniel's dad was saying that they are probably going to Korea, or something. Ashley was pretty upset and I could tell she was on the brink of crying. Laura's mom called so she said she'd call me back but I expected her at my door very shortly.

I was in the process of making a special Easter cake for my wonderful next door neighbors. Leigh Anne has a new boyfriend and is in South Carolina tonight which is all the better because I can influence her roommates as much as I want without her influence. As I came upstairs from doing laundry today, their door opened and both Michelle and Aimee called out my name in their long whiny voices like they always do. They asked if I was still going to make them a cake because I had promised them all individually that I would. I said of course after first joking that I didn't have time to. I was only waiting until Michelle could eat some since Passover officially ends at sundown tonight. They then kept coming over every once in a while, especially Aimee, to see how I was doing. They came over together once and I told them I had yet to start and they volunteered again to help me make it. I then opened the refrigerator to show them the fully baked and cooling cake. They were happy and seemed impressed that I had already done everything myself without very much convincing on their part.

Ashley came up as I was decorating the cake and told me that I was doing a really good job. I had used Jon's decorating kit and had squeezed out frosting buttons around the perimeter of the cake and then had used them to form a bunny's head in the middle. I then framed these frosting lines with mini M&M's which came out looking very nice. Ashley told me I should take a picture (I had already planned on it) so I grabbed the camera and aimed with her fully in the picture. She jumped thinking she looked bad and I finally convinced her to at least angle the cake up so I could get a good picture of it.

We then started talking and she was telling me how she really doesn't know what to do or how to think right now. She's really scared which is the main factor in her uncertainty. She also was saying that they haven't been on the best of terms and she's afraid that he doesn't know how much she loves him. We talked and I listened for about an hour. We also were talking about how good it was that we studied so much last week and how we should keep it up. She also told me that as she got ready to walk out the door, Laura asked her where she was going and she said upstairs. She then said that her roommates must think she's a bitch because she walked out on all of them to come and talk to me about her problems. I'm more than happy that she did and does that. She apologized for crying to me so much just as a formality at the end and I told her not to be and that I am always here for her to come to.

When Aimee came home, I called her and let her be the first to see my creation. I knew that this whole idea would impress Aimee the most and it seems to be working. She seemed very excited when she saw it and asked if I had done it all by myself. She said she likes it a lot and also is very impressed because she could never do anything like that. She sat in a chair by me and we talked for a few minutes before she went back to her homework. She did tell me that Delisa had bragged to Leigh Anne that I was making them a cake and Leigh Anne told them to be careful that I don't put anything in it. Delisa then told Leigh Anne that I am making the cake for THEM, and not for HER so they have nothing to worry about!!! Go Delisa!!! Aimee said that Leigh Anne just pouted but it was obvious that Aimee got a real kick out of it. She's really sweet and cute in her own little way that I like a lot.

Cecil showed up for the weekend and we had a Mardi Gras reunion as Kostas, Hector, Dave, Cecil and I all headed out on Friday night to hang with the guys. Marty actually let Chris go out instead of tagging along and "crimping our style." That was very considerate of her. We headed to this reggae dance party at the Orange & Brew with this live band that was really good. There were a lot of fine women there and we sat up on the bar surrounding the dance floor near the speakers. We deafened ourselves as we watched the dancing. I had a really good time especially since it was my first night out in a really long time. I had almost not gone but then figured what the hell as Chris and Cecil talked me into it. We also hit this party out in the Pines Apartments. There were a couple of girls there getting rather wasted that I would have gladly done as the night progressed but the party just wasn't happening so we headed back for more reggae.

Last night Kostas, marty and I convinced Cecil to stay in Gainesville an extra night and attend the VISA international talent show with us. I had gone last year and had a really good time. We got balcony seats for the student rate of fifty cents a piece which I paId for at the beginning. it was a good show and we all had a really good time. We then went to Chili's for dinner and to catch the end of the Final Four Gator basketball semifinal game. We lost to Duke. The night and weekend could have been the party weekend from hell to remember for all time but it instantly turned into a mellow dinner with friends. We did end up having a really good dinner and a good time as well.

I had convinced them into going to Chilis because Chris really disliked Fridays when he and Marty had gone before because of the minute portions of food. I remember liking Chilis because Kimmeth and I used to go there. Chilis serves portions that fill me perfectly and are very (I dare say extremely) delicious. Marty agreed with my choice in full and directed us there. She took the liberty to order drinks and a blooming onion (like Kim and I had) as an appetizer. They then ordered their entrees and I took the unconventional route and ordered another appetizer, the cheese fries which are extra long mozzarella sticks with awesome marinara sauce, and a dessert of carrot cake. I haven't had carrot cake for the longest time and used to love it a lot so I figured I'd give it a try. At first the cheese sticks seemed too few and the piece of cake looked a little boring, but my first opinion was soon shattered. Both were delicious and the cake was awesome!!! and both were very filling.

Chris and Marty had ordered tortillas for two and two Caesar salads. Mart got full quick and offered her salad to me. I'm not too keen on that kind of salad, I'd take a make your own salad bar any day, but this one was really good and I finished the entire thing. I really enjoyed myself. This was perpetuated by the very gorgeous waitress in the short skirt who climbed up on the opposite table to open a shutter before the night was over. We all started in delight because Marty had gone to the restroom. Yum. I kept joking about wanting a second dessert, the waitress! I also kept smiling nicely at her and was very courteous to her when she would do something for me.

We ran into Phil, this snobby friend of Chris' whom both he and Marty thinks has a very disgruntled outlook on life. He was with his father, a friend, his friend's girlfriend, and her friend. The lone girl's name was Maria and she is a younger looking but very pretty young Greek girl. I kept flirting with her and was receiving and reciprocating smiles.

Chris was chatting with Phil's father as we went to say hello on our way out. Their meal was finishing up and the girls were digging in their purses for money to pay their share. They had all been a part of the talent show which was a big event for them, both Phil and his father are extremely well off, and Phil is trying to hook up with Maria. I found it extremely rude and disgusting that they would allow the girls to pay on an evening as such. My respect for both of them plummeted into the depths of hell at that moment and it almost made me sick. The boyfriend had been at the bathroom and upon returning asked her what she was doing and said he was paying for her. That still left Maria open and posed the perfect opportunity for either Phil, especially Phil, to pick up the tab. He didn't although it was obvious he was aware of what was going on.

If I had enough money with me, and I wished so bad that I did despite any financial burden it would have place on me later, I would have paid for her bill in a heartbeat and embarrassed the fucking hell out of Phil! I mentioned that in the car later and both Chris and Marty piped up simultaneously saying that had watched that in the same utter disgust. Phil... you fucked up big time.

He also introduced himself to me at the talent show when he, Marty and I were talking. Both Marty and I said that he should already know me and he was extremely embarrassed. He came up and remembered Cecil at Chilis and I commented to Cecil that at least he remembers him. Especially after what had happened at the end, I refused to said goodbye to Phil leaving him with nothing but a fleeting cold stare. Fucking heartless bastard. Now let me go eat cake with my beautiful neighbors.

March 17, 1994 - Thursday - Spring break statistic!

Chris got a new very nice watch from Marty

Ed - What functions does it have...
Jon- Is it shock resistant, waterproof...
Roswitha - What special occasion was it...
Phil - Looks expensive...
Me - Must be nice.....

Chris told me how he had been doing a psychological experiment to see what everybody's individual responses would be and they all turned out to be so true to our personalities. As he told them to me, I wondered what I had said and figured mine wouldn't work but as soon as he reminded me what I had said, it was hilariously accurate and rather sad.

I've been laying out for two hours a day everyday and get complements everyday on how dark I am getting. I'm starting to look really good and I am really looking forward to the summer. Leigh Anne told me a little while ago that she really likes it when I wear blue shirts because they make my eyes really stand out. She then said that the blue green shirt that I wore today for St. Patrick's day made them more beautiful than she had ever seen before. That was cool. I've been having a renewed self confidence since spring break towards meeting new people. I have that look that I give the girls as I walk by and it amazes me how many will look back and smile or even say hi! It's funny when I am walking with Leigh Anne and a girl I have never seen before says hi to me. I love it.

Holly and HeidI were both laying out in the field today and I was in heaven. I had yet to see either one of them in a bikini and fell in love with both. Heidi has the most perfect body I have ever seen in my life!!! She has to be the closest to a perfect ten because her body is so amazing. She is broad which is really nice but she has very big breasts and a perfect, smaller butt. I had seen her clothed and was in love then, too, for she is very beautiful. Leigh Anne tells me she is the sweetest girl in the world. Wow!!! A personality, too!!! I WANT!!!!!

Leigh Anne and I went to fruit class today and learned all about strawberries which was really interesting. THey made us delicious strawberry tarts that we really enjoyed. We then walked to The Loop because they were having a holiday special where their three dollar individual pizzas were only a dollar. That was a cool chance to try their food and the only reason I knew was because of a small add in today's newspaper. It actually pays to read that thing thoroughly every once in a while.

I spent most of the night with her because she has failed her math class and her parents gave her hell. She then started confronting Aimee in front of me as to why they were avoiding her and was putting the blame on them. Aimee isn't that great at confrontations and Leigh Anne was feeding her so much bullshit that I finally just cut in and took over for her and criticized everything she has been doing wrong. It took care of the situation for now and she soon cheered up and we talked and actually had a real conversation for the first time all about the holocaust and how conditions are perfect for another in the future in the United States against blacks. No sex this time but I did make her orgasm for the second time in her life last night. Now that I know it just wasn't a one time stroke of luck and I have a pattern, I can exploit my talents elsewhere. Like I wouldn't have anyway!

Stacy also called tonight to ask me when my spring break is. He was upset when I said it was last week because now he's planning on a boring spring break because nobody will be in Tampa.

Now for my awesome spring break statistic. Shar¡ Monday night and somewhat on Thursday night, Abby Wednesday night, and Leigh Anne Sunday night. I seduced Leigh Anne when she got back up here because I wanted to be able to say that I made out with and felt the breasts of every girl I have ever had sex with in less than a week!!! That's an awesomely shallow statistic that can't be matched by many. I am so proud of myself and Chris agreed that it is a real ego boost.

November 29, 1993 - Monday - All find out about Shar¡

What a fucking insane weekend!!! I don't think I've ever had a more eventful period of days in a long time, and definitely not as drastic.

I tried one last desperate attempt to get my message to Shar¡ yesterday morning by leaving my zip code with Christina early in the morning before we left for Gainesville. I told her I was calling to say goodbye, but had many ulterior motives. It sucked to find out that what Shar¡'s dad had said is true, there is no telephone at Craig's house. Damn! I also found out that CraIg has a (ugly!) little boy of his own!!! I also let Christina know that Shar¡ had indeed told me the truth so that Christina would hopefully take me serious enough to really give Shar¡ my zip code. Christina said that she had told Shar¡ that she was wrong for not wanting to tell me and so forth. I just pray the message gets to Shar¡.

I then drove with Father up to Granny's and spent the middle of the day there. We had a small lunch and she gave me a birthday card with twenty-five dollars! I then drove the rest of the way to Gainesville where we pulled the battery out of my car to let it recharge in the dorm while we went grocery shopping. I spent most of the forty dollars my family gave me for my little birthday grocery shopping spree. We then jumped my car and returned it to working order although the battery didn't charge enough to recrank the car. Father plans on letting me drive it home at Christmas while he follows behind me so I can use it to drive to work.

I really wasn't looking forward to Leigh Anne showing up last night because I figured I'd have to dump her and send her home. I knew it would be a big mess when I did. She didn't show up until midnight and I had already been sleeping for a long time. I couldn't say no when she did arrive and despite all of my feelings and heart screaming for me to stop, we had sex. She gave me a killer blow job and I . This time I hurt her and didn't give a shit that I did.

She then kept asking me what my news was that I found out at home. I went and got my plastic fetus and told her that Shar¡ had given this to me. She has heard the joke often enough and did find it funny this time either, until my persistence forced her to realize that I was being completely serious. I told her the entire story of my going over to see Shar¡ at Christina's apartment and so forth. She cried but then gathered herself and wants us still to always be together despite this, no matter what happens. She asked me later if I had been surprised at how she handled it and I most definitely was. She said that was the old Leigh Anne that would have stomped out pissed but she loves me far too much to ever do that! I was definitely impressed. I just wanted her to realize that being with me might include a baby by my side.

That was a weird thought after I had time to think about it because although I know Shar¡ would never give up a baby of her own, I still wondered what it would be like to be single with our baby. I know that I could have it taken away from her if I wanted to, for her abuse of drugs alone. But, and hopefully Leigh Anne won't read this although I really think she should, I want far more for Shar¡ and I to get back together and live... I slept very restlessly all night tossing and turning. I kept dreaming about Shar¡ as my mind tried to figure out what will and what it wants to happen to my life. I then could not get her out of my mind all day long, no matter what I tried. Leigh Anne told me this morning that all night she had horrible thoughts going through her mind about wanting so bad to kill Shar¡, and she has never felt that way about anybody before. She says that Shar¡ knows exactly what she was doing by telling me since I am not like other guys and she knew that she could "control" me.

I told Gina about my ordeal in my German culture class and then headed home early so I could catch Chris as he got home. I dumped all of my problems on him and he was shocked about how things turned out like I had thought. I wondered a little while ago if Shar¡ knew that she could get pregnant that weekend, for she did tell me that she and Michael planned Cord, but all that means is that they had sex unprotected constantly. But how did she never get pregnant again??? She has to at least have an idea about how not to get pregnant because she didn't for a pretty long time and I seriously doubt she used condoms while she was with Michael, or afterwards because I'm sure she would have asked me to use one. I also seriously doubt she was ever on the pill, why would she have quit since she probably could have it paid for by the state. in other words my psychotic mind wonders if perhaps she tried to plan it for a fleeting instant. I know the thought has crossed my mind, just to try to snatch and keep the other person. I don't know?

October 29, 1993 - Friday - Ashley calls from Tampa!

Happy birthday mom!

The entire world seems to be falling apart... everything is coming crashing down, just like that letter said... maybe I believe in fate and stuff too much but there are always so many things to make it seem so real...

Shar¡ gave up her life again...

I always liked to compare my situation with Shar¡ with Ashley and Daniel because they always seemed to coincide in a sense. It was kind of a mental way for me to cope with having to be separated from Shar¡, kind of like bullshit in my mind. But my intuition has always been better than that...

So it all begins...

Let me elaborate: The phone has been ringing off the hook the past half hour and it's after eleven on Friday night. I figured I'd let the answering machine get them just to screen the calls. I thought I was supposed to go with Ed and Roswitha to a party with April. I was more than willing to go, but since it was getting late, I decided against it and didn't want to answer a call from Ed because I knew I would give in and I just didn't feel like it. Nobody left any messages which caused me to believe it was Ed even more. I finally got sick of it and answered one of the calls.

It was Ashley!!! and it sounded like she was calling from a payphone. She left for Brandon this morning after biology class. I had a test today in my German culture class and wanted a good breakfast so I was late in meeting her at class. On Fridays, she has a first period chemistry discussion so we don't walk to class together. It was chilly but the air was really damp and I feel that if it has to be cold, this is the best kind of cold there can be. Most people don't like it but I know that it feels a lot better than dry cold after extended periods of time since I used to work outside at Busch Gardens. We joked around when I got to class and both were in a pretty good mood.

Our friend, Jason, came in just after me and we were looking for cute girls to ask out and it was pretty funny. At the end of class I admitted that our search for attractive girls was thwarted because I had looked at Ashley first and she spoiled me for any of the other girls. The fool made the mistake of cutting her down and she immediately came and hugged onto me. I walked up to the honors office with her because she had an advisement appointment.

I had gone down there yesterday and picked up a new honors course guide and found out that once you have sixty credits, you no longer have to take honors courses!!! Awesome!!! I'm finished!!! It's cool because I started with fifteen credits and didn't join until Spring so I was only obliged to take two classes although I was allowed into honors calculus my first semester. My early registration appointment letter had a nice little asterisk stating that my record had been flagged and I must have academic counseling before I can register. The lines to see your counselor are extremely long this time of the year and that was very discouraging. It wasn't until I was in the honors office that I realized that I bet I could get them to take care of it for me as one of the perks of being in honors. This girl immediately punched it up in her computer and said everything is fine and said that it was just a warning that I need to hurry up and finish general education and apply to a college. That was really cool!

Anyway, Chris and I went to McDonalds yesterday afternoon for a bite to eat. He also needed to get some batteries and I suggested Eckerds across the street. We always have a pretty cool time running about so I was more than happy to go with him despite the fact that I only had a dollar on my person. He said he'd lend me a dollar before we left and we were on our merry way. He read my letter from Shar¡ and we were commenting about her. I knew it was finally time to tell him about Shar¡ attempting suicide and how I could possibly fall in love with a girl with such a fucked up past. I kind of did it to clear my name a little, but also so he could realize what I am going through.

He (and I) agreed that she has got to be pretty damn heartless for what she did and stupid for throwing away a chance at a good life like she did. He agrees fully that if I had spent that amount of emotional effort on any "normal" girl, then she would be probably be mine forever, and there are lots of girls out there like that. But it's just so hard to make that initial spark between two people. Once it's there, we can both completely win them over, and I can do it on such a wide variety of types. I am extremely versatile, and it sometimes amazes me. I admitted that Shar¡ was kind of a challenge that I presented to myself and once I got going, there was no turning back to see how far I could take it. I just hope to someday find a girl that will be able to appreciate what I have to offer her.

Well, I put off heading to the library to study for my exam for a few minutes to be with Ashley because I wanted to tell her the whole truth about Shar¡. I think a lot of things about my relationship kind of fall into place when that last cornerstone is finally cemented in. I complained to both Ashley and Chris that it really bothered me when people asked me why someone as "good as me" was going out with a girl like that, and I could never tell them the real reason and probably the only reason why we lasted any amount of time at all. It was my humanitarian side kicking in and offering her a second and real chance at life... and once again I am separated from the girl when it is most vital that we are together. That's the story of my life...

I said goodbye to Ashley at that point and we were smiling really big at each other. She told me not to think about it too much and I truthfully told her that I wasn't, that I was just thinking about all of the crap I had to go and study then and she laughed. I proceeded to flirt with every girl I could on the walk to the library where I finally settled down and learned everything in probably twice as much detail as I needed to, for my goal wasn't only to get another A, but to impress Mr. Hasty as well.

...I heard her voice and asked her what was up. We talked for a second and she asked me if I knew who it was, and I said of course and said her name. I told her then like I have before that her voice is easy to tell and she doesn't have to tell me who it is every time she calls. I wondered why she was calling and first thought that she might of had car trouble and was calling me while she waited. She told me that she was at a 7-11 in Brandon on Kings Road. She acted a little surprised and asked why I wasn't out and about on a Friday night.

She finally got to the point of her call. She had told me that she was going out with Daniel's younger sister tonight when she got down there. She said that while she was at Daniel's house, he actually called and talked to his dad from Edmond Air Force Base. She then told me that she found out why he hadn't called all week, and why he told her he wasn't going to buy a car. She said that he had talked about buying a motorcycle a lot and had gone out and done so. On Tuesday he was in an accident and broke either an arm or a leg, some ribs, and his neck!!! Fuck!!! The way I used to be, I would have found this to be a wonderful event so I could move in on the kill... but I had feelings of sympathy that I have never felt before because I actually care about her and see her as a true friend. I think that's really rare.

We've been learning a lot of really interesting shit in psychology lately, and today he said there are only a few people that you can be your true self with, and I have found that with Ashley. I think the feeling is mutual because although she tells her emotional stories to quite a few other people, just like I do, there are certain things she tells me that I know she would never tell anybody else. We're kind of like each other's emotional dumps.

But she was telling me about Daniel and really hated the fact that she couldn't drive up there right then to be with him. She said that as soon as she found out, she got really hot and turned red and started feeling sick. Her nerves instantly kicked in. She said that Daniel didn't want to talk to anyone else but his dad and was being taken to have an MRI done right then anyway. She was so upset because she cant be with him or even talk to him, just like the last time he was in the hospital, out in Denver. At least he said that he is OK despite the broken neck! She took his sister out to a country dance club anyway and Shar¡ started getting sick. She left her there and said that she'd pick her up at midnight and then stopped to get something to drink.

I told her that I had been in my room with the radio on loud and it was really lucky that I heard the phone ring. Damn I'm glad I answered that one!!! She told me that she had called about ten minutes earlier and then just drove around for a few minutes until she stopped and called me again. She said that she didn't want to tell anybody down there because they'll just talk and start rumors and she didn't really want to talk to her roommates, so she called me!!! I felt awesome to hear her say that and told her that I'm always here and told her that now I am glad I stayed home tonight and knew there was a reason. Everything she did sounds so much like something I would do in a similar situation and it amazes me once again how much alike we are. She has the perfect romantic personality that I dream to find in a girl that cares about me... I just can't express how good it made me feel that she called ME and how much I want to be there for her.

I told her to be careful as we finally ended our talk. She was crying or almost crying and then laughed about being at a payphone in the middle of Brandon so late at night. I asked her what she was going to do for the next half hour until she was supposed to pick up his sister. She said she was just going to drive around some more to get an icee somewhere instead of a slurpee. At least she had a goal to keep her sane for the time being. Poor baby...



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I never did mention my little trip to the mall with Chris last Sunday... hell I never said anything about the entire weekend!!! And it was an awesome weekend!!! Actually my letter to my little sister kind of summed things up, but not really.

We were all hanging out with the neighbors last Friday night around seven and everybody was kind of drifting back and forth between the two rooms. Everybody was wearing dorm clothes which proved really interesting in Michelle's case. She was working on some quiz on her computer and couldn't figure some of the techniques out. Everybody pointed at me and I went in her room and helped her. I commented on what a really nice computer table they had, and asked where they got it. Leigh Anne said something about some really nice guy who built it for them. Well, Michelle was wearing this pink shirt with the neck ripped out that would kind of fall onto her shoulder quite often. I asked her out in the hallway a little later if she was wearing anything underneath that because she keeps pulling it off of her shoulder and she said no. She has a habit of not wearing bras quite often and I like that in her.

Chris had been massaging Leigh Anne's back and I was the next victim. She told me that it was my turn and I went and sat in a chair in front of her!!! She laughed and said no, that I was supposed to massage HER! I did for a while and Chris picked up later on the fact that she was extremely vulnerable that night and probably would have taken any one of us if we had wanted to. She likes to talk to me and comments every once in a while about how I always listen to her problems and she pulled me off into our room once away from everybody else to tell me why she has been fighting with Delisa.

We all ended up making plans to go out to a party and then to this nightclub called Kaos that was having the finals of their hot body contest where the girls get naked! Chris was so worried about his organic test, that he didn't even want to go. I think it's also due to the fact that he's falling for this girl named Marty and I know I would have felt the same back when Shar¡ and I were emotional. We weren't going to leave until 11:30, but I then got a phone call from Ashley at 10:30 and she asked me if I wanted to go out with them! I jumped at the chance to be with Laura and ditched Leigh Anne. I even had Leigh Anne say hi to Ashley just so she'd know I have other female friends. Leigh Anne was kind of pissed that I sold them out and I tried to talk my way out of it. I eventually did, but not until yesterday.

Laura and Ashley showed up at our room a little while later all dressed up for the night, and I introduced them to Jon and Ed and then went running into my room with Michelle for a minute just to show off. We then parted and drove to Oxford Manor to meet up with a bunch of guys. This one guy named Rob was there and was the one I met back when I gave Laura my blender. He ended up being pretty cool and I talked to him a little bit over the weekend. We drove around to almost every apartment complex in Gainesville and couldn't find a single damn party. Laura nd I were making a lot of our usual bullshit comments to each other and Laura accused me of flattering everyone, and not just her. I said that wasn't true at all and she asked Ashley, which was kind of funny.

After we dropped all of the stupids off, I pull out my party idea and we ran off to Roswitha's apartment complex where the big party of the night was. It was an awesome party, HUGE, and there were girls like Shar¡ everywhere!!! They were hot and ready and I would have loved to stay longer but the kegs were dry and Laura wanted to leave. Damn! We ended up going back to their room and Laura and I sat on the fouton together and watched the last part of Top Gun and we all talked for a while before I showed back upstairs.

Ashley and I decided to go to the biology lab review session Saturday morning. We walked over there and were very tired and really thought that the help session wasn't going to help a damn thing if we didn't know anything going into it. We decided to leave and study, and come back to Sunday's meeting. I remembered how the Florida Museum of Natural History used to have a lot of animal exhibits and suggested that we go inside. I couldn't have come up with a better idea because we ended up learning far more than we ever could have possibly learned in class and had an awesome time doing so! I joked that we should tell everybody but she said that we should keep it our secret so only we'll do good on the exam. Smart girl.

The museum had almost three-quarters of the classes we needed to learn about and was set up, it seemed, like it was tailor made for somebody learning our lab manual. We first learned all about crustaceans and sea animals and all about the special cases in each group because they were all on display as well. We learned funny cues, something we both learned about from Griggs, for some of the harder names. We then went through an exhibit with tons of live insects and we identified each and looked at the structures of the grasshopper which was much more fun on a live species because you could see them in motion rather than on a dead smelly carcass. We also went into the specimen room that has drawer after drawer full of fun things to identify. They even had these acrylic molds of worms that were really important for us to learn. I joked that this was the most use some of those exhibits had gotten in a long time. It was great and I just couldn't get over how much fun we were having and how much we were learning.

We kept naming the taxonomy on every living thing we saw and realized that we'd probably do the same once we left the museum to every animal we see. It was funny. We even went through the gift shop and identified everything we could find. The best part is that a lot of the information stuck in my mind and wouldn't have if I had just studied the book.

The museum also has an artificial cave that looks a lot like the ones we crawled in out in Newberry and I told Ashley all about that. We walked through the cave twice and stood against a railing inside once and talked in the very dim light for quite a while. We were really close and I had the instinctive urge to kiss her and we then joked about how jealous some people would be if they knew we had gone into a cave together like that. It was pretty funny. We eventually went home and I hung out in Ashley's room for a little while only to see Laura running around in her little nightgown looking more gorgeous than ever. That's so damn sexy! Ashley was in her green silk pajamas the night before which defined some very erect nipples rather nicely. I found that pretty interesting.

They called me a little while later and asked me if I wanted to go out. Of course! We went to the grocery store and bought orange juice. I couldn't help but think how much nicer it is to hang out with two attractive girls rather than the group of guys last year at Salem and Monte's apartment. We then went back to the room and Ashley made us all a drink. She made screwdrivers and fuzzy navels. I had three shots in mine and kind of guzzled it, to no avail. Chris says vodka makes him puke but I noticed nothing much for me. I sat with Laura again on the fouton and we got engaged! She broke off her engagement with the guy in the fraternity just to be my fiancee. When Ashley found out, she wanted to see the ring, and I told her that I'd have to wait until I go home for Thanksgiving to get it for her.

Jessica was there, and Rob and a few other people showed up as well. Ashley, Laura, and I took our drinks up to my room to pick out a movie to watch and I introduced them to Chris. We decided on Groundhog Day and went back downstairs. We all ended up watching the World Series and saw the most awesome ending to a baseball game ever! The Blue Jays hit a three run homer in the ninth inning to take the lead and win the game. I have never seen a happier player than the guy who hit that ball. Laura's "casual boyfriend" kept calling her an insisted that they go out and do something despite him being sick. He showed up later and Laura kissed him right in front of me. They were only simple kisses and I would bet that she was doing so just to get back at me for kissing Shar¡ at that party like I did. I completely understand.

The guy is a complete and total dork and I told her I am rather disappointed. The three of us were all on the fouton with Laura wedged in the middle. Carl was mean to her once and she said that it doesn't matter because she is engaged to me and rolled over, putting her arms around me. That was cute. We were looking at the yearbook from Bloomingdale High School and saw Laura with really short hair. The best way to describe it is silly and I love it being much longer like it is now. She complained a lot to me all weekend that it upsets her that people always complement her friends and all but they never say anything to her. I was trying to reassure her and maybe I need to be more serious when I do complement her. They eventually took off to a midnight movie and we all decided to try a party.

I rode in Rob's car with Jessica and we eventually found the party and hung out for a while. There were a couple of the guys there from the night before, Joe and Todd and we said hello. They stopped playing music about the time when we got there and Ashley and I figured that they were trying to get rid of everybody. When we finally did leave, we stopped by Taco Bell. Ashley, Laura and I had talked about Ashley and my trips to Taco Bell earlier on the way to the grocery store and Laura was saying that she is jealous and wants me to take her. I promised to do so sometime. I had told Ashley that I had only been to Taco bell about four times before meeting her and only went twice with Shar¡. We joked that we'll make her jealous by telling her we've been three times and even go at one in the morning together. It was kind of funny.

Ashley and I went to study again on Sunday and ended up sitting on these picnic tables in the middle of a small wooded area and talked about our failing relationships and how life sucks. We also were reading our newspapers, for I stole one for her when I bought mine. When we got home, Chris and I decided to head over to the mall to have our ears pierced. He was getting his second hole, and me my first. We came across the jewelry stand where Cheryl, the girl from my first semester German class works, and we ended up letting her staple our ears. She's looking pretty damn good and we joked around for quite a while. I had a "diamond stud" starter put in and Chris and I bought a nice pair of gold hoops with the twenty percent discount you get on the day of your initial piercing. When we got home, we walked past Ashley, Laura, and I think Rob, heading off to mass in Ashley's car and we said hello.

I went and studied later on and came back to Beaty only to find them under a fire drill. I walked around until I found Laura and she was still in her Church dress. She looked really good and I told her that the alarm rang because she is so hot. Jana was holding Stimpy and was sitting on this couch. Jessica and Rob were there and he had bought him and Laura both a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. She came right up and was standing next to me against the wall and then we sat down together. Leigh Anne was running around with her new boyfriend, Jerry, and Michelle. They were joking around with me for a few minutes and I made sure they saw me with Laura. Laura started feeding me her ice cream and was finding huge chunks of nuts and white chocolate for me to try. It was really fun and I enjoyed myself.

Leigh Anne was over in the room on Wednesday night after I had gone to sleep and she came in the room with a big smile and ruffled my hair. We talked for a few minutes and she told me how upset she was at me for ditching them on Friday night. I told her that I really made a mistake and hoped that she would forgive me. I met up with her outside the room on Thursday on the way to class and we walked together the entire way. The first thing she asked when she saw me is why she felt like shit because she though relationships are supposed to make you happy. I said that I know how she feels and that they hardly ever seem to work out that way. I decided to jump in and take advantage of her fragile state when she told me that she and Jerry have fought continuously ever night this week. She said that he wants her to change a lot, like working out so she can compete with him. She asked me if I like those women with tons of muscles and I truthfully told her that it makes me sick and that I like her just the way she is. I put my arm around her as I said that and she thought it was really sweet.

She mentioned that they are getting along really crappily and they've only been going out for a week. I corrected her saying six days, and that I'll be keeping track until the day we get her back. She counted and realized I have been keeping track, although it was just some quick addition in my head, but she thought that was amazingly well put. I just kept saying all of the right things and she did tell me that she's going to get rid of him if he pulls his shit any more! That's cool. I even went out of my way to get the doors for her and she thought I was being really sweet. She commented once that sometimes she forgets that I was a valedictorian because I act kind of silly. Thanks. But I wasn't being silly then and I though to myself how versatile I can be and how I can make almost any girl very happy by telling her what she wants to hear and what I have to offer.

I almost told her that, but that would have screwed everything up. Chris and I were talking about how I should have stuck around Friday night because she was very vulnerable and I could have easily had her. Maybe I still can... and we talked about how cool it would be to have convenient sex right next door. That would be awesome, and it wouldn't stop very quickly because she is the kind of girl who really needs what I have to offer. She kind of reminds me of Abby, except I want Leigh Anne. Chris and I have also been joking around a lot about how we are constantly starving nowadays. I joked that we used to think about sex all of the time and how much we want it, now we think about food and how nice it would be to have it. We ate like animals last Friday night when we went to this restaurant named Quincys where he took me for my birthday last year. All four of us went and ordered the hot bar and tried tons of everything. I was really surprised I ate so much because I did just official find out about Shar¡ just a few hours before and I recalled how I just didn't care to eat anymore after Nicole and I broke up way back when.

I've been having an awesome time with Karen in psychology class this week. I save her a seat now with my bookbag that I didn't do the first couple of times because I didn't want to seem to eager for her to come sit with me and possibly scare her off. It's cool now that we know about each other's relationship situation at least a little bit. She came bouncing up again to the seat next to me with a big grin on her face on Friday. I smiled and slowly moved my bookbag as she laughed and sarcastically told me to hurry up. I really like just being around her and am trying my best to impress her in any way I can. She's so damn hot!

October 7, 1993 - Thursday - What if, Meaning of life

Say it is true. Imagine her surprise when she does tell me and I tell her that I know! She'll want to know how and then I'll explain it to her that I figured things out October the sixth which is kind of why I called her that night. That also explains my really stilted conversation with her, and she did leave me saying that something important has come up that she wants to wait to tell me about...

I don't know right now what I should be thinking about the whole matter. Maybe her important occurrence has nothing to do with the matter and I'm just carrying this whole thing too far. But maybe I should try and deal with it all know, for even if it is a false alarm, it's a pretty fun and new emotional "fire drill!" I used to be so desperate that I actually wanted to get Nicole pregnant just to keep her with me forever. Now that something of the sorts may have happened I get to see how I truly feel about the whole deal that I used to think about so much.

The bad things would be, for one, I'll hate the fact that having a kid might seem like a reason for us to have a permanent relationship and I didn't want it to seem that way. I can prove my side of the story from my journal. I'd just have to trust her side of the story and that might be hard for me to do. I also really don't like the idea of her smoking anything while she's pregnant if she is. When I called yesterday she was out having a cigarette. Stupid bitch. If she is pregnant and were to keep smoking pot and cigarettes as much as she does, that would definitely be enough to drive me out of her life for good. If she's that stupid and uncaring, I don't want to have a thing to do with her.

I was thinking about time last night as well. I wondered, if it is true, if she'd wait and surprise me with a slightly growing belly for my birthday! She also was up here from September third through sixth, making nine months come right at the end of May. That would mean that I come home from college right in the period when she'd be having it which would be cool because I'd be able to be there with her from the start. I just keep thinking that none of this is true and it's probably unhealthy for me to be thinking about this as much as I am so I guess I'll just go on with my life and what I know to be true.

Chris and I had a long talk about the meaning of life and happiness last night in a classroom in Turlington where we were studying. We were first amazing ourselves with the actual number of red blood cells in the body. There are five to six million in a cubic millimeter of blood! Each one of these blood cells then contains 250 million molecules of hemoglobin!!! That's mind boggling! We were also talking about how two gametes grow and divide to form such an amazing system as the human body including the brain. We were talking about the subconscious and what it is and what are beliefs are on spiritual aspects of it and so forth. It was an extremely intelligent and interesting conversation and it would have been awesome to have it recorded to listen to later. He said that someday the knowledge of how the body develops will be just as common as our knowledge of making a book is today. To a prehistoric man, it would be beyond his grasp, as life is currently beyond our grasp.

We were then talking about happiness and what it is. As soon as we die, what real purpose will there have been to our lives. Even though we will both be seeking medical professions, we realized that we will be making people better, just so that they can go on to be worthless and die and mean nothing as well. There were some amazing revelations to us as we had always denounced modern societies way of living, but had never made such a perfect argument against it. We looked back in history at some of the great leaders and realized that even though they brought an empire to it's greatest height, or so forth, they then died and it usually crumbled and nothing important came out of their lives either. Over the realm of time everybody is so insignificant that it's not even funny. So what is our purpose of being here?

Chris and I both think that the ancient ways of philosophy and thought and appreciation of the world were a beautiful way of life that have been lost by modern society entirely. I realized ironically that we would probably be happiest in a monastery with women where everybody puts in their equal work to be happy and comfortable. He and I both strongly agree that if we could go somewhere with natural beauty and keep food on the table for our families, then we would be more than happy and extremely content. We've talked of islands, and running with the gypsies through Europe. He also learned that people working on cruise lines in Greece, or any tourism industry for that matter, can make tons of money just by being bilingual and are always happy. Like I am at Busch Gardens. We had many more thoughts through the evening and they all seem so wonderfully compromising. I admitted again that I would have given up everything to live simply with Kimmeth in the Virgin Islands because to me, that life is paradise.

There's more, which gets violent so I'll leave that out for now...

Should I tell Kimmeth that I think I got a married woman pregnant and she'll have the baby if she is?!?

I ran into Ashley this morning in front of Turlington and we talked for a few minutes. She had an awesome talk with Daniel that she bragged long and hard about. I busted out with, `Shar¡ missed her period!,' but then went on to tell her what actually happened. It was kind of funny because I was thinking earlier that I really wanted to talk to Ashley but I never see her on Thursdays. That was a great coincidence running into her. I then went to my Greek and Roman class where I got a ten on my weekly quiz for the second week in a row. I felt special and Dr. Turner commented that I made excellent points on my essay answer which surprised me because I had no real notes on the topic and compiled everything together out of my head. I sat near this really good looking tall blonde who knows that I always look at her and was looking back today. We'll smile at each other every once in a while which is cute. She has an awesome body but doesn't really know how to show it.

I walked by this blonde from my biology and psychology classes today at Beaty. I really want to make a point of meeting her. We walked by each other once yesterday and recognized each other but didn't say anything. Today I said hi and she said hi back in a somewhat surprised tone. That was cool. I then saw her in lab a few hours later and joked with her once which was cool. She lives on the eleventh floor of my tower as well. When Eva came in, she sat on the opposite side of this Chinese boy in our front row and I looked at her and told her to get over here and sit by me. She said oh and laughed and quickly came over. Although we weren't supposed to, we worked together on the slides and the crayfish dissection which made it so much more fun. We then walked home together and parted at the front doors of her tower.

I wasn't really alive enough to go study tonight. After Chris left I watched the video tape of Shar¡, and have been listening to my Meatloaf CD with the song, Anything For Love. I also was just lying in bed reading some of her letters and looking at all of the pictures of her, wondering, "What if?"