I tried one last desperate attempt to get my message to Shar¡ yesterday morning by leaving my zip code with Christina early in the morning before we left for Gainesville. I told her I was calling to say goodbye, but had many ulterior motives. It sucked to find out that what Shar¡'s dad had said is true, there is no telephone at Craig's house. Damn! I also found out that CraIg has a (ugly!) little boy of his own!!! I also let Christina know that Shar¡ had indeed told me the truth so that Christina would hopefully take me serious enough to really give Shar¡ my zip code. Christina said that she had told Shar¡ that she was wrong for not wanting to tell me and so forth. I just pray the message gets to Shar¡.
I then drove with Father up to Granny's and spent the middle of the day there. We had a small lunch and she gave me a birthday card with twenty-five dollars! I then drove the rest of the way to Gainesville where we pulled the battery out of my car to let it recharge in the dorm while we went grocery shopping. I spent most of the forty dollars my family gave me for my little birthday grocery shopping spree. We then jumped my car and returned it to working order although the battery didn't charge enough to recrank the car. Father plans on letting me drive it home at Christmas while he follows behind me so I can use it to drive to work.
I really wasn't looking forward to Leigh Anne showing up last night because I figured I'd have to dump her and send her home. I knew it would be a big mess when I did. She didn't show up until midnight and I had already been sleeping for a long time. I couldn't say no when she did arrive and despite all of my feelings and heart screaming for me to stop, we had sex. She gave me a killer blow job and I
She then kept asking me what my news was that I found out at home. I went and got my plastic fetus and told her that Shar¡ had given this to me. She has heard the joke often enough and did find it funny this time either, until my persistence forced her to realize that I was being completely serious. I told her the entire story of my going over to see Shar¡ at Christina's apartment and so forth. She cried but then gathered herself and wants us still to always be together despite this, no matter what happens. She asked me later if I had been surprised at how she handled it and I most definitely was. She said that was the old Leigh Anne that would have stomped out pissed but she loves me far too much to ever do that! I was definitely impressed. I just wanted her to realize that being with me might include a baby by my side.
That was a weird thought after I had time to think about it because although I know Shar¡ would never give up a baby of her own, I still wondered what it would be like to be single with our baby. I know that I could have it taken away from her if I wanted to, for her abuse of drugs alone. But, and hopefully Leigh Anne won't read this although I really think she should, I want far more for Shar¡ and I to get back together and live... I slept very restlessly all night tossing and turning. I kept dreaming about Shar¡ as my mind tried to figure out what will and what it wants to happen to my life. I then could not get her out of my mind all day long, no matter what I tried. Leigh Anne told me this morning that all night she had horrible thoughts going through her mind about wanting so bad to kill Shar¡, and she has never felt that way about anybody before. She says that Shar¡ knows exactly what she was doing by telling me since I am not like other guys and she knew that she could "control" me.
I told Gina about my ordeal in my German culture class and then headed home early so I could catch Chris as he got home. I dumped all of my problems on him and he was shocked about how things turned out like I had thought. I wondered a little while ago if Shar¡ knew that she could get pregnant that weekend, for she did tell me that she and Michael planned Cord, but all that means is that they had sex unprotected constantly. But how did she never get pregnant again??? She has to at least have an idea about how not to get pregnant because she didn't for a pretty long time and I seriously doubt she used condoms while she was with Michael, or afterwards because I'm sure she would have asked me to use one. I also seriously doubt she was ever on the pill, why would she have quit since she probably could have it paid for by the state. in other words my psychotic mind wonders if perhaps she tried to plan it for a fleeting instant. I know the thought has crossed my mind, just to try to snatch and keep the other person. I don't know?
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