(February 18, 1994 - Today's journal, as was yesterday's, once again was composed over the Thanksgiving holiday at home and is taken word for word from the handwritten copy.)
Happy Thanksgiving! I was reading through the notes in my daily planner today and was putting Shar¡'s time line over top of what I have written down as happening and I finally got the story straight. She said that she was pregnant for a month and two weeks when she thinks she had a miscarriage. Take a wild guess what weekend that was - Livestock!!! STUPID FUCKING CUNT! As I sat here I freaked out as my mind made the critical connections and I had to work around the truth with my very curious mom. I haven't been able to tell them anything about Shar¡'s and my talk because without the critical pregnancy story, it all sounds so fake. After I told Shar¡ that I thought I figured out she was pregnant I called her. She told me that was the important thing she had been talking about. That was October sixth. I've started to think if only I had asked her, like she wanted to know why I didn't she would know that's what I wanted and would never have gone to Livestock. Shar¡ then said that she went in for a liver infection two weeks later and found out she might still be pregnant..... Halloween weekend..... The day I wrote in my book that, "It starts!!!" as I mailed out my chain letter to bring me all I ever wanted. I am terrified to think that the "letter" brought my baby back "from the dead!" That night was a full moon! that Emily predicted would bring on something unexpected.
We would be in the eleventh week right now and that matches up with my little plastic fetus from Gator Expo. I've joked around with my family a lot with my fetus and even told them my joke about Shar¡ mailing it to me!!! My mom was asking me yesterday if Shar¡ and I ever..... (had sex) and I played innocent.
I just couldn't help but think about how perfect last night compared to my dream of Shar¡ and I getting back together. I used to think that Shar¡ would surprise me on my birthday with a pregnancy... What are the fucking chances of that happening after what we've been through.... but they did!!! She also noticed my earring like I planned. Happy birthday to me!!! Please be alive!!! I want so much to talk to Shar¡ seriously about all of this.
I took Chrissy and Father to Busch Gardens.
Leigh Anne called twice, one and a half hours from eleven to twelve thirty. I told her I have news. She said she fears I'll tell her something like Shar¡ really is pregnant. She's so fucking smart. I can't wait to tell Chris..........................
I only wish that you hung out with somebody that kept me on your mind as much as Ashley keeps you on mine! We're always talking about how I feel about you (she probably knows better than you do), and how she feels about Daniel, her long distance fling.
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