I did my part, to break her heart, but she walked out on me, and tore my world apart... Thanks Shar¡.
Well, Leigh Anne and I played war today, and I won twice!!! She decided to shuck our plans of watching Aladdin, eating Jello, and playing with Cool Whip and instead go see a movie with Ed and Roswitha. We decided to go see "My Life," a movie with really good advertising (including Enya music) and a really good review by Michelle. Stupid then let us know in the car that she forgot her wallet, her money and ATM card, in the rush to get ready. Bullshit! It then took us a really long time to get through the line at the theater but I was having a pretty good time flirting. There was a gorgeous girl behind us who looked so fucking sexy in the club clothes she was wearing. I also waved to this cute girl from my German class who was further back line.
It was cool that all four of us tend to get along rather well. Roswitha and Leigh Anne even ran off together to look at the movie times and I thought that was cute. We had to sit in the front row, but that didn't take away from the experience at all. It was a really sad movie that made both of the girls really cry. One of the most touching themes was about a father who doesn't spend enough time with his family and is always working. I figured that would get to Leigh Anne but I don't really have that problem because we did quite a bit with father. I also used to go to work with him a lot which kept us close.
Leigh Anne and I were doing a lot of public emotion tonight and she'll even hold my hand and kiss me every so often. When we got home she wanted to go straight to eating Jello and licking Cool Whip off of each other. I think it would have been much more seductive if we had stayed and watched Aladdin because I was no longer in the mood for licking. I thus didn't do her the favor (or flavor) back and she got upset. We thus played war, the card game, and I kicked her ass. She then undressed and hopped up into bed. I had just put in Enya and decided to just lay on the floor and meditate to her music. Of course this was somewhat intended to piss Leigh Anne off even more. I figured if she wa going to act that way, I might as well give her a real reason.
When I did get in bed, I didn't start anything, I started just to go to sleep. She got upset and wanted to talk so I spilled my guts a little bit but confused her. She got mad and said that we should just go to sleep. She then asked again if we could talk and I said, "Good night!" as I got out of bed to go pee. That pissed her off even more. I didn't hold her all night and didn't wait around for her to wake up in the morning either. I started writing letters to Carey Ann and Kimmeth and didn't even talk to Leigh Anne.
She ended up grabbing her blanket and clothes and went back to her room. She came back to get her Aladdin tape and brought me back my laundry basket and the clothes she was wearing of mine. I didn't pay much attention to her and was acting like I didn't care. I could tell that all she wanted me to do was to grab her and beg for her back.
Jon witnessed the whole thing and I decided that I have been doing the chasing all of my life and I am fucking tired of it. If she didn't care enough about us that she could just throw it away by leaving, then that is her decision and thus she is decided her fate. I would live with it either way. I am just so sick of not being chased and always seeming to be doing all of the work and changing to make people happy. I also KNEW that she'd come back on her own. When she was dating Jerry she forgave him far too many times for me to go chasing her now. Instead I cooked and ate lunch.
I had some sickening realizations about Shar¡ today as well. There are so many things that Leigh Anne does wrong that I took for granted with Shar¡. There are also certain things that I realize now were attempts by Shar¡ to make me happy in her own beautiful way. Things she said: like when she said that she loves me... I think I accept that now as the most important thing anybody has ever said to me. It was such a perfect moment and is something that was so hard for her to admit... and she did cry when I told her how much it meant to me. She also did lots of little things, like buying me that card which was the main focus of her day. I love her so much and would go back to her in a heartbeat. I was just so happy with her. I hope I can someday find a decent girl that I will feel the same way about...
I got this note from Leigh Anne under the door while I was eating:
I'm not sure how to explain what is going on. I know how I feel about you, but not knowing how you feel about me is too much for me to handle. You can SAY I love you, but meaning it is something else. I know I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but I tend to do that. You told me to tell you anything I wanted to, so I did. I told you how I needed certain things from you, but I guess that was too much to ask. I thought that of all people, YOU would know what I needed, but I guess I overestimated you, or us,whatever the case may be. The perfect example was last night/ this morning/ afternoon. You know I was upset, but your response did not help! All I wanted was for you to hold me + tell me not to give up. Or some crap like that. Ignoring me is NOT the answer. It only gets me more upset because then I think you don't give a shit which is EXACTLY the way I feel right now. You didn't even try to stop me from leaving nor did you come over here. I just don't know anything anymore, except that I love you + I wanted to thank you for the brief, but wonderful, time we spent together.
Love, Leigh Anne
However, I still knew she'd come back, and I didn't leave and wasn't moved by her letter. I did follow her over to her room once when she brought me my laundry basket and she left her door open for me to follow. Had she slammed it, she would have needed a lot of ass kissing to get me back. She still stomped into her room and sat on the floor. I was still pissed that she kept walking away so I just left again. Michelle looked at me funny when I walked in, and I said that it's just not worth it as I walked by her and left. I figured that would work rather nicely.
It wasn't long before she came back and I ended up telling her why she pissed me off and that she can't just think about herself. I also gave her a guilt trip for trying to change me. She broke down very easily and begged ME to forgive her and said that she was being stupid and didn't mean the letter at all. This has to be the first time anyone has ever openly worked to keep ME!!! Go ego! And things are back to normal now and she is learning that she should'nt make me upset, because she doesn't like it when she does. She's told me I no fun to be arguing with because I don't get violent and fight back. That would only give her a reason to be angry at me and hold a grudge. This way she can only feel guilty... Good!
She also knew how much I can't stand letters since I got Shar¡'s and I really didn't appreciate what Leigh Anne did. I also got up early today to take a shower and had a hallucination that Shar¡ was there waiting in bed for me. It's almost like my brain is trying to project Shar¡ onto Leigh Anne but Leigh Anne will never even come close. Even my brain can't compensate for that much error!
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