When I showed up at Mulligan's at eleven last Friday night. Christina and Cord were the first two to come running outside to see me. Shar¡ had gone to the bathroom and didn't know that I was there yet. Cord ran to me and hugged me and I picked him up and carried him back in. Christina had me wait around the corner and she went and told Shar¡ that Cord ran from her and she couldn't find him. Shar¡ dashed around the corner to see me holding him which was a great relief for her. We hung out for a while and talked a little.
When Shar¡ would go to the bathroom or order something for Cord, Christina would start her shit again. She told me that before they left her apartment, Shar¡ had said that she kind of hoped that I didn't even show up tonight at all. I was like whatever and put it past me. We later all had the talk at the table about nobody's allowed to come over to her apartment afterwards and I said I wasn't planning on it anyway, I just hoped my parents hadn't locked me out. Christina later told me that the reason I couldn't come over is because Shar¡ had given this guy at the bar their number earlier and he was coming over later. She then started bitching about how Shar¡ always tries to steal every guy that Christina likes. She called Shar¡ boy crazy because she always is screwing some guy or another and named some names, one being Jimmy. She told me that she'd probably end up screwing the guy that comes over tonight and would love it if I just happened to show up. She and I planned on me coming over about four but to call first.
I was pretty upset but my feelings were really weird. Shar¡ knew that CHristina had said something to me because I wasn't hiding it too well which I was kind of doing on purpose. When we left at two, I walked them to their car and they took off while I still had a ways to go get into my car. Nonetheless I hauled ass out on that road and passed cars like they were tied, catching up with them at the light on 56th Street which isn't that far up the road. Shar¡ said that I must've been driving pretty fast and I agreed that it was normal. When the light changed I just left them in my dust and went home.
When I called at four, Christina picked up right away and said I could still come over. She said the guy never called but another guy form her complex that Shar¡ met earlier today was there. When I got there, Christina was outside smoking. She told me that Shar¡ was in there on his lap and to wait a few minutes to knock on the door until she is back inside. I did that and as I walked inside I talked directly at Christina, never looking around the corner at the couch. Shar¡ jumped up and came running to the hall when she heard my voice and I said hi. We then went and sat down. Shar¡ went to sit on the couch where the guy was, leaving the seat for me, but Christina said that she can't sit there, pushing Shar¡ over to the seat and me up onto the exercise bike seat. They had been watching a cheap little porno on the VCR. I didn't do much or say much but I did keep my distance from her so I wouldn't embarrass her in front of him. I am too fucking nice. I just care about her too much. I kind of knew what I was getting myself into when I started getting serious and know that I can't change her all of the sudden to fit into my ideas right away. I was just really pissed that she'd spend the night with another guy on my weekend in town.
Shar¡ and CHristina went out to smoke a cigarette on the porch once and Christina asked her `what's she going to do?' Christina then said that Shar¡ said that Dan won't be here much longer. I thought to myself that every time Christina says something like that, she knows that she can say anything she wants because I won't go and ask Shar¡ about it. That really sucks. She also has bragged about being a con artist and about always getting what she wants. She did make me promise not to tell Shar¡ what she has been telling me because she is only doing it because she cares about me and doesn't like to see me getting hurt. Anyway, Shar¡ and I started making out on the chair and Christina kept bitching about Shar¡ needing to go to sleep since it was already six and she needed to be out of her house by eight or at the latest ten. I was going to come back and take Shar¡ home when she called me in the morning.
When it started getting towards ten, I called Christina's apartment and only got the answering machine. I figured that Shar¡ ended up having Christina take her home because she was pissed at me for showing up in the middle of the night. I tried calling Shar¡'s house later on to see if they showed up there but they didn't. After calling Christina's a couple of other times, I got pissed off and said Shar¡'s favorite line, `Fuck it!,' and decided to go see my friends at Busch Gardens. I almost drove all the way up to the pool in Christina's complex to see if they had just gone there instead. I planned on calling Shar¡'s house from Busch Gardens later figuring I'd be closer to her house anyway since I was supposed to spend the night with her.
As I drove over, I saw that the car inspection station was open with a pretty short line so I stopped and my car actually passed!!! That was awesome so then something told me to go home and try calling again since good luck always comes in bunches. When I did, they answered and said that they had just woken up even though it was already noon. Everything was suddenly `back to normal' again. I had even thought about calling Jon earlier and getting a ride back to Gainesville. It probably would have been better. I showed up about fifteen minutes later at Christina's apartment and they were still in their pajamas and their blankets were made out on the floor. the clothes they were both wearing down to their underwear were in a pile near the sheets on the floor. I actually wondered who ended up coming back over and helped her undress...
Anyway, we watched the video that I recorded the Saturday when I first left for Gainesville. She had never seen it and we said a couple of mean things about Christina in it that we had forgotten about. It was kind of funny as she saw it. Anyway, Shar¡ had cooked these chicken patties for their lunch and tried to get me to eat but I didn't have more than a bite. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before but wasn't really that hungry. Shar¡ and I finally left. She decided to just leave her pajamas on on the trip home. I really wanted to talk to her then but things just didn't work out in my favor. Buffy had told me earlier on the phone that they'd be gone all day, but when we got there, they were all sleeping on Buffy's bed. that really sucked!
Shar¡ did end up pulling out the camcorder and I got a lot of new tape and she recorded quite a bit of me and Cord. Shar¡ later cooked me dinner. She made meat loaf, peas, and masked potatoes and I was really surprised at how good it came out. I was truly impressed. Christina kept calling wanting to know what we were going to do Saturday night. I was all for completely ditching Christina and Mulligans. Shar¡ asked me if I really didn't want Christina to go because she wouldn't tell her if I didn't want her to go. I really didn't but made it seem like I didn't care. I did make it clear to her that I didn't want to go to Mulligans and Shar¡ said the same to Christina. We did end up going, of course. The bitch would not stop calling Shar¡'s house though. I'd love more than anything for that stupid overgrown cunt to get killed or permanently taken out of the picture!!! I'm completely tired of her shit.
Anyway, I was determined to have a good time with Shar¡ this time. I made sure not to sit next to Christina. We sat in these stools which was better than the sorry little tables. Shar¡ had been wanting to moose up my hair for the longest time and did tonight. She was really happy with how it looked when she was done. It was worth the feeling of having her rub her fingers through my hair for so long. I love that. I kept active and alert the entire night and outlived the both of them. That was a first.
At one point Shar¡ picked up a piece of paper and wrote:
Dan,
I know you haven't did much but I hope you have or had a nice weekend being here with me.
oud - you, Cord says
Love Ya, Shar¡ (heart)
I jumped at the opportunity to start a game of note writing just like the good old days in high school and wrote:
Shar¡,
Yeah, I guess.......
Love Dan
(love)(peace)(happiness)
Dan, What do you mean ya I guess. Isn't it more like ya I know???
D- I hope so.
S- I KNOW SO!!!!!
D- What makes you so sure!!??!!
At this point, I was completely under the influence of what Christina had told me and I did fall prey to jealousy.
S- Because of the person I am..
D- Actually because of the body you are!!! J/K
Seriously, what "person" are you?!
S- Smart ass!!!
D- I want a serious answer dumb ass!!!! (smile)
S- I said what I said because of the special person I am to you or at least that's what you say. J/K
D- What do you mean that you are just kidding about being a special person to me!!!!
S- I said that's what you say and then J/K because I know you think I am special
D- Fine.... But what about me?
At that point this redhead who kept talking to us all night came up again and started babbling again. She said something that she thought was funny and both the ladies laughed just to be socially responsible. I thought it was really funny because Shar¡'s laugh changes drastically to a completely fake one when she has to laugh at something she doesn't want to...
D- You have the goofiest laugh when you are forced to laugh at something you don't think is funny.
S- I didn't think people could change their laughs. Or maybe that's another thing special about me!!
The best part about the notes was that it was a conversation that completely excluded Christina. She kept wanting to know what we were writing because Shar¡ would react quite loudly to most of the stuff I wrote. It was funny. Christina eventually got pissed because we weren't talking to her.
D- I guess.... Anyway, Christina said that we have to start writing sexual notes.
S- Just because Christina said to do that doesn't mean we have to!!!
D- It might prove to be an interesting twist!
And so it began... Although I was rather amazed at her inability to express herself in words or be creative. She did of course miss out on the bullshitting wonderfulness of note writing and I think she was taking it far too seriously.
S- You go first!!!
D- I always do go first, but fortunately I can still hold up after the fact!
S- I can definitely give you a plus on that one!!
D- You didn't give me much to go on - Try again!!! And don't waste so much space!!! J/K
S- Okay - I can say you can keep it long enough to satisfy me. Is that better???
D- Actually, you've never run me all the way to empty so who knows.....
S- Ya but I did run you to a certain point and you kept up so that's a double plus. I'll have to find out about you lasting the whole run......................
D- I feel so special to be worth a whole "double plus"!!! So, when and where?
S- The next time I go to Gainesville to see ya, cause all the time we need we won't get down here.
D- maybe taking new approaches can make the shorter times we find just as good as the long ones.
S- I would like to show you a few new approaches if you don't already know them.
D- Same question, when and where dear!?!
S- Same answer at your place DEAR
D- That seems so long and far away (frown)
S- Well that's the only time we really have all the time in the world.
D- unfortunately.....
S- I would really like to do the (Hot!!!) shower thing again.
D- Of course - it might FRY my chances of ever having kids but it's more than worth it!
S- Sorry but this has to end. (smile turned into a frown)
It was sudden and I never figured out why we stopped. We talked and they sang and all of that for a while longer until we finally decided to call it a night. I joked about the long drive home because I just wanted to hear her say that she wanted me to stay with her. She did and I kept forgetting that I was the one upset with her, she had no reason to be mad at me... yet...
We went inside and pulled out the folding bed that already has her sheets and pillows waiting for her. We changed into our pajamas. I was wearing my heather gray shirt and she asked me if I was glad that she didn't take it or I wouldn't be wearing it then. I personally didn't care and was only wearing it because it happened to be the shirt I pulled out of my bag first. We climbed into bed and I didn't even get much of a good night kiss as she rolled over and turned her back away from me. That sucked but I zonked out instantly. She woke me up, I don't know how much later but it wasn't long, and pulled herself close to me, still with her back to me so that I could hold her. I then fell asleep again.
We woke up early with the kids and I kind of just lay there after she had already gotten up. She was using the camcorder and got some of me lying there on the bed in the middle of the living room. She finally got me up and started cooking us French toast for breakfast. I taped some of that as well. It tasted pretty good and was covered by lots of cinnamon sugar which mine lacked. I ate and then she dumped the last few huge bites of hers onto my plate. When I am done eating, I am done and wouldn't eat it. Cord came up and I put him on my lap and fed him bites of it. It was really cute and Shar¡ got it on tape.
We decided to go to the beach and it took us a while to get ready just because we were being lazy. We finally did go and it didn't take too incredibly long this time because I now know the shortest quickest way to get there and we didn't have to buy Shar¡ a bathing suit this time. We went to Clearwater Beach and was the last car that was let into the last open parking lot before they closed it.
I did find out that Shar¡ is really sensitive about me talking about other women.... Be careful.
For dinner she put on the new dress that she had bought, the same one she had worn Friday night to Mulligans. We drove up to Burger King and went inside to eat. I remember asking her how to get back on her good side to which she asked what made me think I wasn't. So actually I could tell then and she should have said what she was really thinking instead of leading me into an awkward and destructive situation. I ordered a whopper and chocolate shake and paId for the whole meal. She was walking around, asking me where I wanted to sit and I pointed her towards this round table in the corner. I just wanted to sit next to her. We got in at the same time and I then told her that she doesn't have to sit so far away and she looked at me and said the same thing back to me. I scooted closer but left enough distance for her own.
We ate, but she didn't finish even half of her chicken sandwich. I hadn't been kissed right all day long and I was determined then to do so. I tried while we were standing there and she did for a second
After I got her letter, I called her and we talked for two hours!!! After our `break up,' as I was so pessimistically calling it to everybody I saw, I was amazed at what happened next. It's almost like the other girls I know can sense my depression and started calling. Sarah was the first and we talked for about an hour! A little while later, Kimmeth!!!!! called out of the blue. She said that she realized that since I haven't called her in a while, that something must be up. Boy was she right. I told her how horrible my life is going and told her everything, except I forgot to mention Shar¡!
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Shar¡,
September 23, 1993
It's been about eight hours since I've talked to you and I'm still just as lost as I was earlier. I called my counselor after talking to you because it's just so much easier for me to figure out what's going on when I can spit everything out and just hear myself saying it. My counselor is a girl named Ashley who is from Valrico. She is practically married to this guy in the Air Force and she has told me all of her feelings about him just as I have told her about you. We have agreed to listen to the other person whenever the other needs to just babble everything out. We're not really friends which is good because that way the other person can't ever hold what the other person says against him and sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who you don't know at all.
After I read your letter I was so glad that you said what you said about me being an asshole over the weekend. I knew that once and for all that would force me to say everything that should have been said all along. I was really scared to call you because I was afraid I just wouldn't be able to get it all out as usual and I know that really needs to stop on my part. I really hated acting that way to you over the weekend. I had never been so doubtful about you before this weekend after everything Christina kept saying to me. I just wanted so much to talk to you Saturday morning on the drive to your house but it never seemed like the right time to say anything. The longer I kept it bottled up, the more it kept affecting me even though I kept trying to put it past me and not let it bother me.
When you ended up not calling me Saturday morning from Christina's house that only built my worries even more. After Christina made such a big deal about you being out of her house by ten, and then you didn't call, I didn't know what to think. I thought that maybe Christina had admitted that she was the one that wanted me to come over Friday night, and that you were pissed off at me for doing so, and ended up just having Christina take you home. I couldn't stay home any longer and that was when I almost just said fuck it and went to see my friends at Busch Gardens for the day. I almost called Jon's house to see if they had gone back to Gainesville yet to ask them to take me with them. Something told me to go back home, though, which is when I got a hold of you and "all was well."
I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was for letting Christina ruin my weekend and effect me the way she did. I at least learned something important out of the whole thing - never to keep anything bottled up and never again try to hide anything from you, no matter what it is. I wasn't thinking about your interests or feelings at all when I was acting the way I was and still wish you would have slapped the shit out of me for treating you like that. I know I hadn't acted like that before, and won't again. I was just really confused. I'm sorry... It would have been really good if we had talked about all of this face to face like at the park. That's all I really wanted all day Monday was to talk to you but you had already shut me out by then and that hurt.
I know we already talked about a lot of this on the phone today but I just need to say it again in case I screwed up earlier... This is where I cut off for the night just to think more about it all.
What is it that we have found between the two of us and how did it suddenly get as deep as it did? How come the best path to take for everybody is always the hardest one... and why does it seem that everybody is always working against you? How come every time something starts going really good, it suddenly comes crashing into the ground!?! I'd really hate more than anything for that to happen to us. From what we say, both of us has found something pretty special in the other and from what everybody else tells me, that's pretty damn rare and you're lucky if you ever see that in anybody at all. It does sound kind of crazy that we did just meet two months ago but who gives a fuck. Life is far too short in the first place and then we bitch when something quick yet good does come along. I just realized that it can really scare you... but I'm not going to argue with it if it wants to work out that way.
I'm still going to avoid our favorite question about where we "stand." That's kind of stupid anyway and was really just a way to try and get you to tell me what you were thinking. I don't really know what we're going to do or where we are going to go from here. I'm not sure if you know what you want right now, and I know that I don't have a clue. All I do know is that I want it to be with you and Cord.
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