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Dan,--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 6, "93"
Hello I just got off the phone with you. I had a wonderful time this weekend, even though we didn't get to go out I got to spend time with you. I need to say something that's been on my mind for a while now.......
I've written you two letters now telling you how much I've fallen in love with you and how much I enjoy being with you. But I haven't told you that I'm not ready for any comentment sign hanging over my head right now. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be with you and I do care a great deal about you but we've only known one another for a month and a half or 2 months and I want to take things slow. I don't want to rush into any relationship and then it not work out because we did rush into things. That's what happened to my X boyfriend, we met each other and dated, then committed ourselfs to each other, then moved in with each other all in a period of 3 months and then "bam" we left each other. Which was good because I wouldn't have started talking to you, but anyway do you see what I'm trying to say?? {No!!!, every time I read it my heart throws in a `What the fuck?!?' no!} Since I've met you I've been on two dates and all I kept thinking about was you and how much I've fallen in love with you so that should tell you something. When I've fallen in love with someone that person means alot to me and is special to me. (Like you.) But then when I go on a date with someone else I tell them that all I want is a friend that I can go out and have fun with and them not to expect anything out of it. Like some of the people I go out with down here. What I am trying to say is I do care for you very much, you have touched my heart somewhere where no one has ever touched it except Michael (Cord's father) when I was 14 and that also scared me a little bit. Just knowing the fact that I let someone in that deep..... that's another reason why I want to take things slow because I don't want to loose you or get hurt, and I do have to look out for myself so I don't get hurt again. If any of this bothers you I would really like to know because I do care about what you are thinking and how you feel about things. When ever I have sex with someone that also means something to me, and if it didn't I wouldn't have waited. Like this one time...............
I met this guy, went out twice and then slept with him, and it didn't mean jack shit, then I looked at myself and said you should only do it with people you care for and ever since then I've slept with someone twice and one was you. I don't want to be the kinda person that has sex with every person I go out with anyway. I want it to mean something when I crawl into bed with someone. Well I wrote you a little poem to go with the letter. Hope you like it.
W/B/A/S/A/P
Love, Shari (heart)
Cord says hi "Daddy Dan"
Falling in love
What is falling in love?......
It's as pure as a white dove,
and when your heart says you've fallen in love.
It's when you think of that certain someone night and day,
and wish they didn't have to go away.
It's when he is always in heart in mind,
and is always so very kind.
It's when you look into his baby blues your heart melts away,
and you know that he's hopefully here to stay.
It's when you pick up the phone and hear his voice at the other end,
and know you not only have a lover but a friend.....
That's what it means to me!!!
(Love)(Peace) and (Happiness)
Every time I read the letter nowadays, I pick more and more `good' stuff out of it now that I know what her `true' intentions were when she wrote it. The back of the envelope said, `Open with care and please don't share Ha! HA!,' and then said, `P.S. I loved the roses.' It was so full of mixed signals which is what really confused me. I also really didn't like her abundant use of `someone' when she was talking about falling in love or getting into bed. She mailed the letter on Tuesday and I received it on Wednesday. As soon as I had finished reading, I went straight to work on my answer:
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Shar¡,
September 8, 1993
I think what happened is that your definition of "commitment" and mine varied quite a bit. I feel that a much better word to describe what we're looking at is "relationship." I believe fully that it takes a long time for two people who are together to build the trust and strength to form a true commitment. that looks like it proved true with you and Brandon.
All I know is that I care about you immensely and enjoy spending time with you more than any girl I've ever been with. I just want to continue what we've been doing except I'd love to keep you to myself on the important stuff! I'd really like to hear your views right now out of your own mouth so I think I'll call.......
She was really surprised to hear that I got her letter in just one day. I then told her that I really wanted to talk to her about her letter. What we ended up getting out of the conversation is that the letter wasn't intended to change anything up to what we've built so far. It was designed to express her feelings and I think it was meant to create kind of a roadblock so we don't keep going at too quick of a speed. I interjected telling her that I just want to make sure that we don't go backwards and she said that's not what she wants at all. As soon as I realized what she was saying I started helping her out a lot. I said that basically this was stuff that should have been said long before and included in part in the other letter but wasn't. It snowballed and came out in this letter.
She did agree that this letter should have probably come first or second but now it couldn't wait much longer. I helped her a few more times where she just couldn't find the right words. What she told me is that when she agrees to a commitment, she will devote her entire life to the one person and will never go out with anyone else. She said that because she is trying to get her GED and all that stuff right now she just wouldn't be able to concentrate solely on me right now (or something like that, it sounded better the day I actually heard it). I then basically told her what I had written above and it came out very well. I kept rechecking to make sure that she's still all for our relationship and she is. Now that I look at it, there should never have been any doubt just because of the poem and so forth but I needed the reassurance. I called her letter mean once and she argued that it wasn't meant to be, and then later said that it'll probably be the meanest one I'll ever get from her. She also told me once that I'm not ever going to get a letter or phone call out of the blue with her saying that we're through. I then continued the letter.......
Well, I feel better now about what I wrote up top after talking to you and explaining it to you first. I was just scared from your letter that I might be losing you or that your feelings about me had changed. truthfully I didn't know what to think - I was kind of expecting you to say what you did soon enough, just not right after our weekend together.
As you already know, the main thing in your letter that really got to me was, `...I am not ready for any commitment sign hanging...' I didn't know whether you didn't want any kind of relationship at all any more and just wanted to date down there... I didn't know and it scared the SHIT out of me. that would have killed me.
I know you've had it pretty hard and have been hurt quite often in your life. I just hope you always remember that I'm not those other guys and all I ask for is a chance!
P.S. Hey Cord!!!
Love ya, Dan
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When I was done I loved the letter! I knew that it would get an emotional rise in her which is exactly what I wanted. I wrote on the outside of the envelope, `What is falling in love?......' straight from the title of her poem!!! I kind of didn't want her to read the letter that I had sent on Monday now that I had gotten hers. Mine was much happier and I wrote that I love her in it only as a salutation, though. I just didn't know if it'd be fitting right now.
Somehow I knew that the next time we talked to each other, we would both me in a much happier mood since we had settled her letter as something that was intended to change nothing in our relationship. She called me yesterday as I was getting ready to walk out the door for Biology Lab. We were indeed both very excited towards each other thank God! She told me that she got my letter and that it was really sweet and she really liked it a lot! I just couldn't remember what I had written because I personally thought it was a pretty sorry letter that didn't really say much important. I was wrong! I did ask her about the fact hat we had agreed not to call each other as much but she said that she just had to hear my voice and talk to me for a little bit! We talked as long as we could until I had to leave. I told her that after my three hour lab I planned on eating and then going out to study for the rest of the evening but I'd try to give her a call back when I got in.
I did and it proved to be very good that I did. She wants me there with her so fucking bad!!! I talked to Cord for a few minutes. She then kept telling me how much she liked my letter and we ended up talking about it. I finally had gone back and read my photocopy of the letter and realized what I had done. There was a bunch of stuff that I felt that I really took a chance saying and knew that she'd either like it or completely hate the fact that I had written it. Everything ended up working beautifully!!!, more so than I ever could have planned! She told me that first of all she really liked what I had written on the outside, `Have you had any good chocolate lately?' She went on to tell me that she thought the second paragraph was pretty funny:
So how was your weekend? Mine was really good - my girlfriend came up from the "boonies" and we had a pretty cool time together. I hate to tell YOU this but I've fallen in love with HER so you'll just have to take it easy for a while.(smile)
I had hoped that she'd get it right away when she read it since we joke around like that sometimes and she said that she did. We started joking around like that for a few minutes. She then was kind of reluctant to tell me the next thing. She then admitted that when she was reading about my best memory from the weekend, it brought tears to her eyes!!!!! I made her cry!!!!! I was so happy and relieved all at once that I had to brag to everybody soon afterwards. I saved my ass and wasn't even trying to. Damn I'm good! That part of the letter went like this:
Now for Cord..... I see Cord as being as much a part of you as your own arm or leg. When I tell you that I care about you or love you, it extends to him as well. I fully accept and like the fact that he will always be there as part of the "family" and I hope this helps to erase any doubts you have about my feelings towards him, or you for that matter. I started missing you as I was walking away from the bus station. I then started thinking about and sorting out everything we had done and said over the weekend. One of my best memories was when you whispered, "I love you," to me yesterday morning in bed...
That was the main thing I was scared about when I wrote the letter. It was only a whisper and as the days passed I started wondering more and more if it had really happened, or had it just been a sigh or a cough? I told her my fears and she said that she did say it and that was awesome! I never thought I'd get such a reaction out of her, though. Damn I'm glad I did. She also told me that I now have a six page letter on the way as an answer to mine and it's a `happy' one. I told to never write a letter just to try and make me happy and she agreed that she wouldn't they will always be what she is truly feeling or thinking.
Now for the insignificant women. I arranged it so Eva would be my lab partner in biology last night and that proved good. We finally started really talking on the way out about where we are from and all. It was funny because she lives in Beaty Towers!!! and we walked home together. She lives on the ninth floor of the other building. We kept finding all of these similarities between ourselves and it was pretty cool. She's gorgeous and sat there with her perfect breasts bulging out of her shirt all period. Jon asked me the other night if a gorgeous girl presented her to me, if I would have sex with her now that I have Shar¡. I dared not answer his question but thought about it quite a bit sitting there with Eva.
When I got home I found a message from Sarah on the board!!! I called her back and she had called my house in Tampa and got my number. That was awesome!!! It turns out that she'll be in Gainesville tomorrow and wants to come see me!!!
I then completed turning Ashley from a prospect into a friend today. I ran into her outside of Beaty yesterday on the way to lab and she asked me how I was doing. I said horrible and gave her a quick overview of what Shar¡ had said. She asked if I'd bring the letter to biology this morning and she'd be glad to console me. this morning she read it and then read the poem. It was awesome because it made her cry!!! there was this guy named Jason who was vieing for her attention and I got most of it even before the letter! I was so surprised to see the tears and then she told me that it's been forever since Daniel has written her and she doesn't know where their relationship stands any more. We hugged and vowed to support each other. She had twenty minutes to spare after class and I said that I'd sit with her there so that we could continue to console each other. She asked if that was the right word and I changed it to consummate and she laughed. We agreed that it would only make things worse and probably depress ourselves even more. As we were leaving she did say that she'll be here for me and will do anything for me except hold my hand!!!
Ed asked me today who I would choose if Kimmeth came back into my life. I told him Shar¡ but if it had happened up to the Saturday right before school started, it would have been Kim...
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