Say it is true. Imagine her surprise when she does tell me and I tell her that I know! She'll want to know how and then I'll explain it to her that I figured things out October the sixth which is kind of why I called her that night. That also explains my really stilted conversation with her, and she did leave me saying that something important has come up that she wants to wait to tell me about...
I don't know right now what I should be thinking about the whole matter. Maybe her important occurrence has nothing to do with the matter and I'm just carrying this whole thing too far. But maybe I should try and deal with it all know, for even if it is a false alarm, it's a pretty fun and new emotional "fire drill!" I used to be so desperate that I actually wanted to get Nicole pregnant just to keep her with me forever. Now that something of the sorts may have happened I get to see how I truly feel about the whole deal that I used to think about so much.
The bad things would be, for one, I'll hate the fact that having a kid might seem like a reason for us to have a permanent relationship and I didn't want it to seem that way. I can prove my side of the story from my journal. I'd just have to trust her side of the story and that might be hard for me to do. I also really don't like the idea of her smoking anything while she's pregnant if she is. When I called yesterday she was out having a cigarette. Stupid bitch. If she is pregnant and were to keep smoking pot and cigarettes as much as she does, that would definitely be enough to drive me out of her life for good. If she's that stupid and uncaring, I don't want to have a thing to do with her.
I was thinking about time last night as well. I wondered, if it is true, if she'd wait and surprise me with a slightly growing belly for my birthday! She also was up here from September third through sixth, making nine months come right at the end of May. That would mean that I come home from college right in the period when she'd be having it which would be cool because I'd be able to be there with her from the start. I just keep thinking that none of this is true and it's probably unhealthy for me to be thinking about this as much as I am so I guess I'll just go on with my life and what I know to be true.
Chris and I had a long talk about the meaning of life and happiness last night in a classroom in Turlington where we were studying. We were first amazing ourselves with the actual number of red blood cells in the body. There are five to six million in a cubic millimeter of blood! Each one of these blood cells then contains 250 million molecules of hemoglobin!!! That's mind boggling! We were also talking about how two gametes grow and divide to form such an amazing system as the human body including the brain. We were talking about the subconscious and what it is and what are beliefs are on spiritual aspects of it and so forth. It was an extremely intelligent and interesting conversation and it would have been awesome to have it recorded to listen to later. He said that someday the knowledge of how the body develops will be just as common as our knowledge of making a book is today. To a prehistoric man, it would be beyond his grasp, as life is currently beyond our grasp.
We were then talking about happiness and what it is. As soon as we die, what real purpose will there have been to our lives. Even though we will both be seeking medical professions, we realized that we will be making people better, just so that they can go on to be worthless and die and mean nothing as well. There were some amazing revelations to us as we had always denounced modern societies way of living, but had never made such a perfect argument against it. We looked back in history at some of the great leaders and realized that even though they brought an empire to it's greatest height, or so forth, they then died and it usually crumbled and nothing important came out of their lives either. Over the realm of time everybody is so insignificant that it's not even funny. So what is our purpose of being here?
Chris and I both think that the ancient ways of philosophy and thought and appreciation of the world were a beautiful way of life that have been lost by modern society entirely. I realized ironically that we would probably be happiest in a monastery with women where everybody puts in their equal work to be happy and comfortable. He and I both strongly agree that if we could go somewhere with natural beauty and keep food on the table for our families, then we would be more than happy and extremely content. We've talked of islands, and running with the gypsies through Europe. He also learned that people working on cruise lines in Greece, or any tourism industry for that matter, can make tons of money just by being bilingual and are always happy. Like I am at Busch Gardens. We had many more thoughts through the evening and they all seem so wonderfully compromising. I admitted again that I would have given up everything to live simply with Kimmeth in the Virgin Islands because to me, that life is paradise.
There's more, which gets violent so I'll leave that out for now...
Should I tell Kimmeth that I think I got a married woman pregnant and she'll have the baby if she is?!?
I ran into Ashley this morning in front of Turlington and we talked for a few minutes. She had an awesome talk with Daniel that she bragged long and hard about. I busted out with, `Shar¡ missed her period!,' but then went on to tell her what actually happened. It was kind of funny because I was thinking earlier that I really wanted to talk to Ashley but I never see her on Thursdays. That was a great coincidence running into her. I then went to my Greek and Roman class where I got a ten on my weekly quiz for the second week in a row. I felt special and Dr. Turner commented that I made excellent points on my essay answer which surprised me because I had no real notes on the topic and compiled everything together out of my head. I sat near this really good looking tall blonde who knows that I always look at her and was looking back today. We'll smile at each other every once in a while which is cute. She has an awesome body but doesn't really know how to show it.
I walked by this blonde from my biology and psychology classes today at Beaty. I really want to make a point of meeting her. We walked by each other once yesterday and recognized each other but didn't say anything. Today I said hi and she said hi back in a somewhat surprised tone. That was cool. I then saw her in lab a few hours later and joked with her once which was cool. She lives on the eleventh floor of my tower as well. When Eva came in, she sat on the opposite side of this Chinese boy in our front row and I looked at her and told her to get over here and sit by me. She said oh and laughed and quickly came over. Although we weren't supposed to, we worked together on the slides and the crayfish dissection which made it so much more fun. We then walked home together and parted at the front doors of her tower.
I wasn't really alive enough to go study tonight. After Chris left I watched the video tape of Shar¡, and have been listening to my Meatloaf CD with the song, Anything For Love. I also was just lying in bed reading some of her letters and looking at all of the pictures of her, wondering, "What if?"
Thursday, October 7, 1993
Wednesday, October 6, 1993
October 6, 1993 - Wednesday - Could Shari be pregnant?
I awoke early to go to biology with Ashley this morning and she was running a bit late. I hung out with her for a few minutes in her room and talked while she hurried and got ready. We talked quite a bit on the way to class and I told her that I have yet to receive a letter from Shar¡. I was starting to think that she didn't write me and lied, saying that she mailed it to me on Saturday to make me happy then. I couldn't see why she would do that though so it was only a fleeting thought. I wanted to think that she didn't put enough postage on it and it got sent back to her or something. It would really suck if that letter, a very important one to me, were to get lost. Chris and I jokingly blamed Ed last night of checking the mail and forgetting it in his bookbag, where he would find my letter months later smashed to oblivion. It was funny but knowing Ed it could be true.
Ashley and I ran into Laura on the walk to class and she said hi to me in her loving voice and put her arm around me while she talked to Ashley. I wished her a belated happy birthday and she thanked me, sounding like she really meant it and that cheered me up. I had been worried that it was a big mistake when I didn't get Laura anything for her birthday and had expressed that to Ashley. I'm glad that's out of my mind. Ashley and I talked and joked around a bit. She also keeps lying back, trying to sleep on my shoulder in class. It's kind of funny.
We've been learning about human reproduction for the past two lectures and we moved on to the hormonal actions in the female's system today. We learned how different hormones affect the thickness of the rich uterine lining. We then learned the order and the days during which changes in a woman's monthly cycle occur. The actual bleeding occurs from day twenty-eight in the thirty day cycle to day four. The egg is released just ten days later on day fourteen! I always thought it occurred later during the cycle, closer to the period. There are then fourteen days more of uterine wall growth before the period.
I talked to Shar¡ the week before she came up and she had been on an extended period which I would guess ended on about Thursday. I then counted the days until she was here, eight or nine. That put her at almost the exact time when her egg should be released. Any difference in her personal biology was covered by the fact that we had sex four days in a row!!! I swore at the time that it would be safe since she had just recently gotten off her period. I did have sex with the girl for four days unprotected and I did come in her all four times!!!!! I knew that I was taking a risk at the time but my feelings for her and the intensity of the weekend totally wiped that from my mind. After making this sudden realization, I explained my sudden fear to Ashley. She asked me if I was worried, and I admitted that I am, kind of. She told me not to worry because every girl has different timing.
I went straight home after class after a lengthy goodbye with Ashley to study a bit for my German culture and civilization exam. I mainly was waiting for the mail and it didn't show up before I had to head to class. I went to my newly pornographic comic book class where Mr. Ault has decided to show us a lot of underground material after our consent. It's great watching this little sorority girl's face in class. She seems to be the most disgusted. I turned in a paper and then went to take my exam. I rushed straight home and there was no letter amidst the mail. That sucked.
I took a nap and woke up later when Chris came home. He told me that he is going to the orientation for volunteers at Shands and that I should go. It's required and I remembered my desire to do so earlier and how I had told Shar¡ and my family that I might. I decided to take my life back into my own hands and I went eagerly with him. It was a pretty cool orientation and I'd really like to start soon. I need to have a tuberculosis test before I can start at the infirmary. Chris and I also want to get tested for AIDS and want to ask at the infirmary for a good place to get tested. They were talking about some of the people working with the babies and little kids. I was thinking that I'd really like to volunteer in the pediatric department. They did say that one guy got peed all over while changing a babies diaper once.
Chris and I walked in the hospital for a few minutes just to show me around before heading home. Ed and Roswitha were in the room cooking stuffed shells and were both acting really strange. They were all hyper and shit. It was kind of funny.
I picked up the phone although I told myself not to earlier and called Shar¡. I wanted to find out indirectly where my letter is. I at least wanted her to tell me what she had said by getting her to talk about it making her think I had gotten it. Buffy answered and asked in a happy voice who it is. When I answered Dan, she asked, `Dan who?' and I just played it off. She was calling me Dan-o while she had Shar¡ come in to get the phone. Buffy had been washing the kids in the bathroom or something. When she answered we both asked each other what is up. I told her that Chris and I just got home from the hospital. I paused for a quick second to let her think something was wrong before I said that we went to an orientation and I'm going to start volunteering for a while. She said that's really good and actually sounded excited for me. I told her that I might do pediatrics with the little kids. She thought that was really cute and I thought she would.
I told her about the guy that got peed on. She told me that Cord peed all over the place the other day when she was changing him, like he saved up all day just waiting for the moment. I then told her about the cousin on my father's side who peed on someone. Shar¡ told me that someday when I have kids, I'll get peed all over, too. I told her that I've learned from my examples and will be cautious enough to avoid it. Besides, I told her, I plan on having a girl. She wanted to know how I knew and I said that I'd just like to have one. She asked if I don't want a little boy, because usually most guys do. I almost said that I already have one... but then said that I want both. She also asked me when I plan on having these kids and I said that I don't know, it's not really something you plan. I was entirely basing the conversation on a wild chance that she might be pregnant and wanted to say all of the right things. She told me that she planned hers and I asked how old she was! She paused and then said fifteen and we talked about her and Cord for a little bit. I was thinking if she did happen to be pregnant, the double meanings of what I was saying were very strong. I asked her if she was glad that she did and she said yes that she loves her son more than anything and I know that's true.
We finally stopped talking about kids and she told me that she knows I haven't got my letter yet because she forgot to put the zip code on it and she got it back today. It's funny thinking about that now because Shar¡ usually doesn't put her return address on letters... She said that she'll remail it tomorrow and we were talking about addresses. I asked her if she knows my zip code because last time she couldn't find my address. She said yes and almost rattled off my entire address. I then easily spit out hers and she joked that I'm reading it off something. I told her that my room is dark, so I couldn't be and she laughed.
We talked at the beginning of the call about whether or not it meant anything that I call. I asked if it did and she said that she didn't know, that I should tell her. I said that it all depends on her. When she said that it does mean something to her, I agreed that it is indeed worth it to call. She later said that she likes me calling for shorter amounts of time more often and at least I am calling to talk to her, or something to that extent.
I asked her if anything else important is going on and she said yes that something important happened but she isn't going to tell me now. I thought two things at once: sarcastically I asked who she slept with that she's decided to keep around, very seriously I suddenly wondered if she is pregnant. I took on a very soft and serious tone, very calm for the next few minutes. No sarcasm here. I thought later that it could be as simple as a present she bought for Cord's birthday that she's excited about but now I don't think so. I asked her if it's good or bad. She said slowly that it could be good and it could be bad... and then said that it depends. I asked her if it affects her or me, and she said that it does affect the both of us. I then confirmed just as calmly that she's not going to tell me right now and she agreed. I then said that I'll let it be until later then and dropped it and think she was glad for that. That was an extremely weird little interlude and I would guess that she is pregnant in a second!!!
I quickly went and tried to talk to Chris but Ed was joking around with him and being stupid. I told him to leave us alone because I want to talk to my roommate and we went into the room. I explained what I figured out in biology and then told him what Shar¡ had just said. He freaked out just as much as I did and we were talking a lot about that. He said that he would have found out from her right away but I didn't want to even know right then what she was talking about. If I haven't read too much into the whole thing, then I do wonder to what extent she knows. It's scary and then it's beautiful to look at a picture of her and picture her with a big swollen baby. If it's true, then I would love a baby girl from her. If this is nothing, then I am probably too lucky because I took a damn stupid chance screwing a girl with no protection like I did.
By what if... Maybe she is talking about a guy she met and has fallen for... What if she's pregnant with my baby!!!
Ashley and I ran into Laura on the walk to class and she said hi to me in her loving voice and put her arm around me while she talked to Ashley. I wished her a belated happy birthday and she thanked me, sounding like she really meant it and that cheered me up. I had been worried that it was a big mistake when I didn't get Laura anything for her birthday and had expressed that to Ashley. I'm glad that's out of my mind. Ashley and I talked and joked around a bit. She also keeps lying back, trying to sleep on my shoulder in class. It's kind of funny.
We've been learning about human reproduction for the past two lectures and we moved on to the hormonal actions in the female's system today. We learned how different hormones affect the thickness of the rich uterine lining. We then learned the order and the days during which changes in a woman's monthly cycle occur. The actual bleeding occurs from day twenty-eight in the thirty day cycle to day four. The egg is released just ten days later on day fourteen! I always thought it occurred later during the cycle, closer to the period. There are then fourteen days more of uterine wall growth before the period.
I talked to Shar¡ the week before she came up and she had been on an extended period which I would guess ended on about Thursday. I then counted the days until she was here, eight or nine. That put her at almost the exact time when her egg should be released. Any difference in her personal biology was covered by the fact that we had sex four days in a row!!! I swore at the time that it would be safe since she had just recently gotten off her period. I did have sex with the girl for four days unprotected and I did come in her all four times!!!!! I knew that I was taking a risk at the time but my feelings for her and the intensity of the weekend totally wiped that from my mind. After making this sudden realization, I explained my sudden fear to Ashley. She asked me if I was worried, and I admitted that I am, kind of. She told me not to worry because every girl has different timing.
I went straight home after class after a lengthy goodbye with Ashley to study a bit for my German culture and civilization exam. I mainly was waiting for the mail and it didn't show up before I had to head to class. I went to my newly pornographic comic book class where Mr. Ault has decided to show us a lot of underground material after our consent. It's great watching this little sorority girl's face in class. She seems to be the most disgusted. I turned in a paper and then went to take my exam. I rushed straight home and there was no letter amidst the mail. That sucked.
I took a nap and woke up later when Chris came home. He told me that he is going to the orientation for volunteers at Shands and that I should go. It's required and I remembered my desire to do so earlier and how I had told Shar¡ and my family that I might. I decided to take my life back into my own hands and I went eagerly with him. It was a pretty cool orientation and I'd really like to start soon. I need to have a tuberculosis test before I can start at the infirmary. Chris and I also want to get tested for AIDS and want to ask at the infirmary for a good place to get tested. They were talking about some of the people working with the babies and little kids. I was thinking that I'd really like to volunteer in the pediatric department. They did say that one guy got peed all over while changing a babies diaper once.
Chris and I walked in the hospital for a few minutes just to show me around before heading home. Ed and Roswitha were in the room cooking stuffed shells and were both acting really strange. They were all hyper and shit. It was kind of funny.
I picked up the phone although I told myself not to earlier and called Shar¡. I wanted to find out indirectly where my letter is. I at least wanted her to tell me what she had said by getting her to talk about it making her think I had gotten it. Buffy answered and asked in a happy voice who it is. When I answered Dan, she asked, `Dan who?' and I just played it off. She was calling me Dan-o while she had Shar¡ come in to get the phone. Buffy had been washing the kids in the bathroom or something. When she answered we both asked each other what is up. I told her that Chris and I just got home from the hospital. I paused for a quick second to let her think something was wrong before I said that we went to an orientation and I'm going to start volunteering for a while. She said that's really good and actually sounded excited for me. I told her that I might do pediatrics with the little kids. She thought that was really cute and I thought she would.
I told her about the guy that got peed on. She told me that Cord peed all over the place the other day when she was changing him, like he saved up all day just waiting for the moment. I then told her about the cousin on my father's side who peed on someone. Shar¡ told me that someday when I have kids, I'll get peed all over, too. I told her that I've learned from my examples and will be cautious enough to avoid it. Besides, I told her, I plan on having a girl. She wanted to know how I knew and I said that I'd just like to have one. She asked if I don't want a little boy, because usually most guys do. I almost said that I already have one... but then said that I want both. She also asked me when I plan on having these kids and I said that I don't know, it's not really something you plan. I was entirely basing the conversation on a wild chance that she might be pregnant and wanted to say all of the right things. She told me that she planned hers and I asked how old she was! She paused and then said fifteen and we talked about her and Cord for a little bit. I was thinking if she did happen to be pregnant, the double meanings of what I was saying were very strong. I asked her if she was glad that she did and she said yes that she loves her son more than anything and I know that's true.
We finally stopped talking about kids and she told me that she knows I haven't got my letter yet because she forgot to put the zip code on it and she got it back today. It's funny thinking about that now because Shar¡ usually doesn't put her return address on letters... She said that she'll remail it tomorrow and we were talking about addresses. I asked her if she knows my zip code because last time she couldn't find my address. She said yes and almost rattled off my entire address. I then easily spit out hers and she joked that I'm reading it off something. I told her that my room is dark, so I couldn't be and she laughed.
We talked at the beginning of the call about whether or not it meant anything that I call. I asked if it did and she said that she didn't know, that I should tell her. I said that it all depends on her. When she said that it does mean something to her, I agreed that it is indeed worth it to call. She later said that she likes me calling for shorter amounts of time more often and at least I am calling to talk to her, or something to that extent.
I asked her if anything else important is going on and she said yes that something important happened but she isn't going to tell me now. I thought two things at once: sarcastically I asked who she slept with that she's decided to keep around, very seriously I suddenly wondered if she is pregnant. I took on a very soft and serious tone, very calm for the next few minutes. No sarcasm here. I thought later that it could be as simple as a present she bought for Cord's birthday that she's excited about but now I don't think so. I asked her if it's good or bad. She said slowly that it could be good and it could be bad... and then said that it depends. I asked her if it affects her or me, and she said that it does affect the both of us. I then confirmed just as calmly that she's not going to tell me right now and she agreed. I then said that I'll let it be until later then and dropped it and think she was glad for that. That was an extremely weird little interlude and I would guess that she is pregnant in a second!!!
I quickly went and tried to talk to Chris but Ed was joking around with him and being stupid. I told him to leave us alone because I want to talk to my roommate and we went into the room. I explained what I figured out in biology and then told him what Shar¡ had just said. He freaked out just as much as I did and we were talking a lot about that. He said that he would have found out from her right away but I didn't want to even know right then what she was talking about. If I haven't read too much into the whole thing, then I do wonder to what extent she knows. It's scary and then it's beautiful to look at a picture of her and picture her with a big swollen baby. If it's true, then I would love a baby girl from her. If this is nothing, then I am probably too lucky because I took a damn stupid chance screwing a girl with no protection like I did.
By what if... Maybe she is talking about a guy she met and has fallen for... What if she's pregnant with my baby!!!
Saturday, October 2, 1993
October 2, 1993 - Saturday - "Letter" to Shari.....
I finally figured out in words what was going partially through my mind that weekend down there, and how I finally dealt with it: Because I get to see you and be with you so very rarely, I was being greedy and trying to get as much physically out of the time we did have together without thinking into the future. If I do cool off, which I have, then there is a much better chance of you being there with me down the road, when there will be plenty of time for everything. I do need to continue seeing you as the friend you are now and try to have as much fun as we possibly can when we are together.
But, I am someone who always needs a bit of physical contact just so I feel special even if only for a fleeting instant. I wasn't feeling that way at all, and if it was there I was probably blocking it because of what Christina said, which is why I felt `deprived and depressed.' I'm really sorry you took that to think I was talking about getting laid, but it was actually the farthest thing from it. I wanted mainly just to sit down and talk to you and I'm glad things worked out the way they did at the park Sunday night where we did at least get to talk for a while. During that talk was when I came to the realization above, and I suffered as I watched you entirely close up Monday even though I had taken on that attitude. That pissed ME off. But I didn't say anything, and neither did you, and we need to start talking to each other when something is bothering us instead of trying to let it blow over because those feelings tend to build up and can be dangerous...
So do you still want me to transfer down to USF? What are your thoughts about that, and what will happen between us when I do? It's Saturday night right now, and I think I need to stop writing until I get a letter from you. I didn't even mean for this to be a letter, it was actually part of my journal but why not tell you what I was thinking? Jon's girlfriend arrived a little while ago which is what got me thinking about you, and what we'd be doing if you had come, which prompted me to start writing.
I was thinking about our conversation on the phone yesterday morning and kind of thought you sounded somewhat happy and content talking to me. That made my day better and it made me realize something... the letter you were writing will probably be a make it or break it letter for me. I signed the letter with an "I do love you..." and if I don't get a good salutation back, then I'll know to what extent to shut down my feelings towards you like you keep suggesting to me. I already plan on that being the first part of the letter I look at, where you sign your name because that so easily describes the mood you are in when you finished writing the letter. Just like your eyes, I can pretty easily figure it out, unless you were to blatantly lie.
If you are still determined for us to stop and wait with our relationship, I can clamp up and turn off my feelings now. But if I do I don't think I'll ever know when to turn them back on again. I'd always be afraid that if I do, you'll still be against it and my mind just won't let me take that chance. It would be almost entirely up to you. You found out how hard it was to get me to open up about my feelings in the first place. If you hadn't written how you felt in that first letter, it probably would have been a long time before either of us said anything to each other if we ever would. I know that I was scared from all that you said about not wanting relationships and if you would have left it up to me, nothing would ever have been said no matter how much I wanted to say something. I valued your friendship too much and the slightest thought that I would scare you away by saying how I felt would be what kept me shut up forever.
That's why, when you told me in that two hour phone call after that weekend that you shouldn't have told me what you were feeling so soon, I was crushed. If you hadn't, we wouldn't really have much to go on and our relationship would have probably faded and would be lost before we ever found out how strong it is(was?). But as I said, I'm not sure what you're up to about us right now so I'll wait until I get that letter. I just hope you understand all of the stuff that I was trying to say, but it's OK if you're confused, because you are damn cute when you are confused!!! - I love you!!!
It also sucks that you are going to Livestock because I want to go!!!
Oh yeah, you ARE a cunt!!!
I went back and was reading my journal from the beginning. I started it the day I left high school because there was just so much important shit that I thought would be worth remembering later. I never thought that I'd have the determination to keep it up as long as I have, and am actually for once impressed with myself. Anyway, I was reading about Kimmeth, my "best" friend who lives in Ft. Lauderdale. She and I met and worked together at Busch Gardens the summer before last. I was really looking forward to hanging out with her when I came home this summer only to find out a week before school ended that she was moving. We hung out as much as possible those two weeks before she moved and had quite a bit of fun.
At the time, Busch Gardens said they wouldn't be rehiring us until the first week in June and that gave me an entire month off. Kimmeth and I came up with a plan where I would get an apartment with her down in Ft. Lauderdale for the summer. She is twenty-five and has an art and design degree already so she said that she'd get me a job down there. She also has a couple of friends with their own big boats and I could have ended up working with one of them. The whole thing seemed perfect, I'd be meeting a lot of new people and would really be out on my own for the first time. You're somewhat on your own up here, but you're still pretty much pampered with money from home. We both just figured it'd be a good experience for me. My parents even were going to let me go without too much bitching.
The only reason I didn't go is because a man from Busch Gardens called up FOUR people and offered us back our jobs early. I needed the money and took it, giving up my summer in Ft. Lauderdale. The whole point is, I came so very close to moving away all summer and it just made me realize how easily we could have never met. I'm really glad things turned out the way they did because I ended up having a pretty good summer because I stayed (and an awesome end to the summer!!!).
Dammit... it's still Saturday and I need to stop writing to you until I know whether or not I should be telling you this stuff!!! Stuff like, I love you...
Oh yeah, unless you're just using her for her car and apartment, then I think you are fucking stupid for keeping Christina around. If anybody talked behind my back after I told them stuff that should be kept between us...
My friend Cecil thinks I'm fucking crazy for having unprotected sex with you, kind of like playing Russian roulette. He's freaked that someday he might get a girl pregnant. His girlfriend has a Norplant that's supposed to be more than 99% effective, and it still scares him to think about that one percent.
I went back last night and was reading through my elaborately growing journal. I am very proud of my work of art and am glad that it's going on so well. There are so many things that I would have forgotten that are now preserved. It's like having an open window into all of the stuff swirling around in my subconscious, and I like that. There's always a point where I don't like to read the most recent ones about my daily life. Right now that cut off point is the day I met Shar¡. It was the longest time before I wanted to read about the Spring semester of this year. I also never wanted to read about Melissa because it brought back memories of her. Now it is awesome to go back and see what happened in my life and the whole thing is also an antidepressant for when I think that nothing ever goes right.
Anyway, I was reading about Kimmeth last night and I rediscovered some amazing stuff. I had forgotten how extremely close we had gotten and I feel amazingly stupid for almost letting our relationship lose out to the time and distance between us. I almost moved to Ft. Lauderdale with her at the beginning of the summer!!!!! If I had, I would have never met Shar¡ and actually would probably be happier. I really need to tell Kimmeth everything and think the best way to do so will be by letter. I'll call her in a few days and get her new address. It'll be cheaper, and I don't think I could say everything right on the phone. She needs some background information before we discuss it. But I plan on using the fact that I almost moved away as an advantage on Shar¡.
Friday, October 1, 1993
October 1, 1993 - Friday - Make or break!, No visit
Happy birthday Laura, I'm sorry I didn't get you anything but I've been far too upset lately about Shar¡ to remember who my real friends are. A second happy birthday to Buffy, who I did relay greetings to through Shar¡ on the phone, but my depression did overtake the card I wanted to send you at the beginning of the week.
I tried calling Shar¡ twice last night, once at seven and once at nine. Both times her dad answered and said that she wasn't there. The second time I let him know it was me and left a message. I did get the answering machine one other time and Shar¡'s voice on it let me know that she isn't dead or run off again because her dad did sound really pissed off. I was really fucking depressed last night because I really wanted to know if she was still coming up for the weekend with Karen. I figured she wouldn't but I was supposed to call and find out on Thursday. She wanted me to call before then but I refrained. I just put everything out of my mind and went to sleep at seven and then right back to bed after I called at nine.
I woke up this morning and planned on coming right home from biology with Ashley to call Shar¡. I waited for Ashley's phone call hoping it would never come, and it didn't. I went right back to bed for a couple of hours before finally getting up at 10:30, more than fifteen hours of rest for the night!!! I then called Shar¡ and she answered and said that it's about time I called in a `very happy to hear from me' voice. I told her about trying last night and after thinking about it for a while she said that she and Buffy went on a walk. She told me about getting her glasses and how she really likes them and has gotten a lot of compliments about them. She said that she's been wearing them most of the time because she gets a headache if she takes them off. She really was blind when she used to put my glasses on.
She also had a cavity filled with a temporary filling. The dentist said that if it doesn't bother her too much he'll eventually cap it but since it was so close to the nerve, he might have to do a root canal. That would suck! She told me that she has had one hell of a stressful week and told me about it in my letter. She was writing it this morning and had already done three pages when Cord scribbled all over it and she had to recopy them. She asked me if I was mad that she hadn't written me right away and I said yes, but then said it didn't bother me that much which was a blatant lie. She said that she'll definitely finish up to at least five pages and mail it today. She told me that she had been sleeping when it arrived and her dad had thrown the letter to her. After she read it, she stuck it under the couch so the kids wouldn't get it. That's where she found it again this morning and after rereading it, she started righting me back.
I asked (and knew) if that meant she wouldn't be coming up this weekend and she said that she can't because she had forgotten that Buffy starts work on Sunday and she needs to stay home with the kids. I guess. I remained calm and cool but did mention once later that I was really looking forward to seeing her. She said that it wasn't her fault and if she could she'd be up here every weekend. I argued that she wouldn't, for she'd get bored before long and would just want me to come down. She agreed about being bored but said she would want to be up here constantly because we have time to do stuff that we don't down in Tampa. The only thing is sex and that indirectly reversed my growing doubts a little. I can't wait to see what's in this letter and hate to say that it might be the make or break it letter for my feelings towards her. I hate to even think about that.
She did tell me that I could call back later today if I wanted to after I told her I need to go to class soon but I said I wouldn't because I have the rest of the day planned out. She also said to call whenever I think about her and to leave messages on the machine, which I never do, so at least she knows I am thinking about her. I told her that I can't do that either if I plan on eating next semester and she laughed. I told her Chris' idea about her needing to walk down to the store with a handful of quarters to call me! She laughed and said that she had never thought about that and might just do so!
Back towards the beginning of our talk, after I had Shar¡ say happy birthday to Buffy, Shar¡ told me to guess what she was wearing. I knew instantly that she had my black bathing suit on and was probably wearing my Budweiser shirt as well. She then laughed and told me how I left them hanging on the clothesline so she washed them. She said that she was looking for something quick to put on and liked the looks of them. I asked her if she wanted a pair of my underwear, too, and she laughed and thought that was funny enough to tell Buffy. I found out that she wears either a 6 or a 7 underwear. Chris told me that she probably wasn't wearing any underwear, which is probably very true.
She told me once during the conversation that she misses me, and I said, `Right,' sarcastically. She said, `Whatever,' in a cutesy voice and we laughed. I think I told her I miss her, too, at least I fucking hope I did!!! She went on to expand her story about the beach last weekend telling me that there was another girl with them, her boyfriend, and all of his roommates. They are in a band and have a really nice house with hot tub and so forth. She also told me that she's having Cord's party on Friday and is then going to Livestock with her cousins. I think she's fucking stupid, but oh well. She told me again how Cord was asking about me the other day and how cute it was. I really don't know about this girl anymore and I'm really hoping her letter will be emotional enough to help me come to a definite decision. Her salutation will probably be the most important part of this letter. I did end my last one with, `I do love you...,' and I sure as fuck better get something similar back!!!!!
As I walked to fifth period, because I ended up missing fourth period as well, I ran into Ashley and we talked for a few minutes. She asked about my women and I said that Shar¡ isn't coming. She felt for me. She asked me where I was and I said that she didn't call me this morning. She told me that she never calls on Fridays because she has first period and I laughed, saying that I know but slept in. I felt really stupid for not remembering that but I had so much on my mind that I'll forgive myself this time. She urged me not to come home with her because I'd already skipped too many classes and I went on my way.
I had been growing my beard now for just over two weeks. The driving force behind it was the fact that Shar¡ asked me to let it grow and I wanted her to see it when she came up this weekend. Ashley did say that I need to trim the bottom at least and I agreed, telling her that since Shar¡ isn't coming, I'm getting rid of the whole thing. I made myself decent again when I got home from class and am ready to start flirting in my classes again.
I had biology lab last night and was really looking forward to working with Eva because I had heard that we got to dissect our lovely earthworm in pairs. I just hoped that my new friend Donald wouldn't ask to be my partner before Eva came to class because she is always late. She amazingly arrived early and walked rather quickly right behind me to a seat. That was cool. We then worked as a pair through all of the individual work on the slides, each doing an alternate one and then switching microscopes. Donald tried to work his way in eventually and tried to get one of the two of us as a partner, but I discretely didn't allow it.
I started being very witty and funny with Eva in that special way. It amazes me how I can make almost any girl laugh no matter what her background if I really want to, with the possible exception of Marcella but everybody thought she was antisocial anyway. We joked around and had quite a bit of physical contact. She was wearing a white thin tank top and a very small bra so I viewed more of her tits than I did of anything else in lab. It was pretty interesting. We also walked part of the way home together until she left for the library to study for a chemistry exam.
There is also this gorgeous blonde in the group behind me who I always flirt with and talk to indirectly as a part of the group of four girls behind me, but never personally. I noticed that she is in my psychology class and brought that up yesterday. We talked for a few minutes and the ice was broken. I'm going to try and hook up with her in psychology, for that would be a definite reason for me to attend class. Another reason is a sudden extreme respect for the professor. He lectures us on study habits like he really cares and I respect that a lot after the last exam. I sit up front now and plan on saving my ass in the class early in the term. I didn't go to class at all for this last exam and amazingly pulled off a 25 out of 30, but have learned better. The way I studied the text was interesting and kind of fun and I plan on doing it more, and I realized how easily I could have scored perfectly with the information in class. Now I need to save my ass in biology!
I tried calling Shar¡ twice last night, once at seven and once at nine. Both times her dad answered and said that she wasn't there. The second time I let him know it was me and left a message. I did get the answering machine one other time and Shar¡'s voice on it let me know that she isn't dead or run off again because her dad did sound really pissed off. I was really fucking depressed last night because I really wanted to know if she was still coming up for the weekend with Karen. I figured she wouldn't but I was supposed to call and find out on Thursday. She wanted me to call before then but I refrained. I just put everything out of my mind and went to sleep at seven and then right back to bed after I called at nine.
I woke up this morning and planned on coming right home from biology with Ashley to call Shar¡. I waited for Ashley's phone call hoping it would never come, and it didn't. I went right back to bed for a couple of hours before finally getting up at 10:30, more than fifteen hours of rest for the night!!! I then called Shar¡ and she answered and said that it's about time I called in a `very happy to hear from me' voice. I told her about trying last night and after thinking about it for a while she said that she and Buffy went on a walk. She told me about getting her glasses and how she really likes them and has gotten a lot of compliments about them. She said that she's been wearing them most of the time because she gets a headache if she takes them off. She really was blind when she used to put my glasses on.
She also had a cavity filled with a temporary filling. The dentist said that if it doesn't bother her too much he'll eventually cap it but since it was so close to the nerve, he might have to do a root canal. That would suck! She told me that she has had one hell of a stressful week and told me about it in my letter. She was writing it this morning and had already done three pages when Cord scribbled all over it and she had to recopy them. She asked me if I was mad that she hadn't written me right away and I said yes, but then said it didn't bother me that much which was a blatant lie. She said that she'll definitely finish up to at least five pages and mail it today. She told me that she had been sleeping when it arrived and her dad had thrown the letter to her. After she read it, she stuck it under the couch so the kids wouldn't get it. That's where she found it again this morning and after rereading it, she started righting me back.
I asked (and knew) if that meant she wouldn't be coming up this weekend and she said that she can't because she had forgotten that Buffy starts work on Sunday and she needs to stay home with the kids. I guess. I remained calm and cool but did mention once later that I was really looking forward to seeing her. She said that it wasn't her fault and if she could she'd be up here every weekend. I argued that she wouldn't, for she'd get bored before long and would just want me to come down. She agreed about being bored but said she would want to be up here constantly because we have time to do stuff that we don't down in Tampa. The only thing is sex and that indirectly reversed my growing doubts a little. I can't wait to see what's in this letter and hate to say that it might be the make or break it letter for my feelings towards her. I hate to even think about that.
She did tell me that I could call back later today if I wanted to after I told her I need to go to class soon but I said I wouldn't because I have the rest of the day planned out. She also said to call whenever I think about her and to leave messages on the machine, which I never do, so at least she knows I am thinking about her. I told her that I can't do that either if I plan on eating next semester and she laughed. I told her Chris' idea about her needing to walk down to the store with a handful of quarters to call me! She laughed and said that she had never thought about that and might just do so!
Back towards the beginning of our talk, after I had Shar¡ say happy birthday to Buffy, Shar¡ told me to guess what she was wearing. I knew instantly that she had my black bathing suit on and was probably wearing my Budweiser shirt as well. She then laughed and told me how I left them hanging on the clothesline so she washed them. She said that she was looking for something quick to put on and liked the looks of them. I asked her if she wanted a pair of my underwear, too, and she laughed and thought that was funny enough to tell Buffy. I found out that she wears either a 6 or a 7 underwear. Chris told me that she probably wasn't wearing any underwear, which is probably very true.
She told me once during the conversation that she misses me, and I said, `Right,' sarcastically. She said, `Whatever,' in a cutesy voice and we laughed. I think I told her I miss her, too, at least I fucking hope I did!!! She went on to expand her story about the beach last weekend telling me that there was another girl with them, her boyfriend, and all of his roommates. They are in a band and have a really nice house with hot tub and so forth. She also told me that she's having Cord's party on Friday and is then going to Livestock with her cousins. I think she's fucking stupid, but oh well. She told me again how Cord was asking about me the other day and how cute it was. I really don't know about this girl anymore and I'm really hoping her letter will be emotional enough to help me come to a definite decision. Her salutation will probably be the most important part of this letter. I did end my last one with, `I do love you...,' and I sure as fuck better get something similar back!!!!!
As I walked to fifth period, because I ended up missing fourth period as well, I ran into Ashley and we talked for a few minutes. She asked about my women and I said that Shar¡ isn't coming. She felt for me. She asked me where I was and I said that she didn't call me this morning. She told me that she never calls on Fridays because she has first period and I laughed, saying that I know but slept in. I felt really stupid for not remembering that but I had so much on my mind that I'll forgive myself this time. She urged me not to come home with her because I'd already skipped too many classes and I went on my way.
I had been growing my beard now for just over two weeks. The driving force behind it was the fact that Shar¡ asked me to let it grow and I wanted her to see it when she came up this weekend. Ashley did say that I need to trim the bottom at least and I agreed, telling her that since Shar¡ isn't coming, I'm getting rid of the whole thing. I made myself decent again when I got home from class and am ready to start flirting in my classes again.
I had biology lab last night and was really looking forward to working with Eva because I had heard that we got to dissect our lovely earthworm in pairs. I just hoped that my new friend Donald wouldn't ask to be my partner before Eva came to class because she is always late. She amazingly arrived early and walked rather quickly right behind me to a seat. That was cool. We then worked as a pair through all of the individual work on the slides, each doing an alternate one and then switching microscopes. Donald tried to work his way in eventually and tried to get one of the two of us as a partner, but I discretely didn't allow it.
I started being very witty and funny with Eva in that special way. It amazes me how I can make almost any girl laugh no matter what her background if I really want to, with the possible exception of Marcella but everybody thought she was antisocial anyway. We joked around and had quite a bit of physical contact. She was wearing a white thin tank top and a very small bra so I viewed more of her tits than I did of anything else in lab. It was pretty interesting. We also walked part of the way home together until she left for the library to study for a chemistry exam.
There is also this gorgeous blonde in the group behind me who I always flirt with and talk to indirectly as a part of the group of four girls behind me, but never personally. I noticed that she is in my psychology class and brought that up yesterday. We talked for a few minutes and the ice was broken. I'm going to try and hook up with her in psychology, for that would be a definite reason for me to attend class. Another reason is a sudden extreme respect for the professor. He lectures us on study habits like he really cares and I respect that a lot after the last exam. I sit up front now and plan on saving my ass in the class early in the term. I didn't go to class at all for this last exam and amazingly pulled off a 25 out of 30, but have learned better. The way I studied the text was interesting and kind of fun and I plan on doing it more, and I realized how easily I could have scored perfectly with the information in class. Now I need to save my ass in biology!
Monday, September 27, 1993
September 27, 1993 - Monday - I said the right things?
A rather ambiguous change in events just occurred a little while ago when I called Shar¡. I had tried to call her all day yesterday but she had gone to the beach. There was also a problem with MCI's telephone network so that only one out of every ten calls were going through to Brandon. All I would hear was static but they said that it was ringing down there. I had the MCI operator helping me at one point and also called a couple of other numbers in Brandon just to make sure they hadn't call blocked me. I did talk to Buffy for about five minutes yesterday and she said that Christina denied everything I said and so on. She told me to hang in there. I then talked to her dad later on and he was telling me not to ever take anything he does to Shar¡ personally because I'm the last person in the world that he wants to run off right now. That was pretty cool. He also made it so that Christina isn't supposed to call their house at all anymore. That's good!!!
I did my best to keep Shar¡ out of my head all weekend and get back into the swing of things. I wanted to pull out of my mini depression that took over any time I had too much time to think about things. I hung out at the Florida Invitational volleyball tournament on Friday and Saturday nights. The Lady Gators played some awesome matches and I had a great time. I even flirted quite a bit. There was this one girl on the George Washington University whose parents had died on the big train wreck last week on their way to see their daughter play here. The audience was shocked and had a pretty emotional moment of silence. I really felt for the girl. There was also a girl on their team with the most beautiful ass and she really knew how to flaunt it. Her face looked a lot like Shar¡'s and I thought of her as being Shar¡ if she had stayed in school and kept playing volleyball. It was pretty interesting.
Jon, Ed, Roswitha, and I all went to the mall Saturday morning and did a little grocery shopping. That was pretty fun. I also have been playing a lot of pool the past couple days in my spare time.
I called her tonight and Buffy went and got her only after finding out my name. It didn't sound like she would have for anybody else. We started talking a little bit about what we've been doing.She did say that she thought I had fallen off the face of the earth because I haven't called and she hadn't gotten any letters. I asked her if it hadn't come and she admitted that she just got it today. She said that she'll write me back and mail it tomorrow.
She was telling me that her Aunt Carol is coming down next weekend and is taking care of Cord for just so she can see him. I thought that was a pretty amazing coincidence since the motive behind my call was to ask her if she wanted to come up over the weekend with Jon and Karen. I thought all along that she wouldn't want to and was putting off asking her until the end. I told her that reminded me of something I'm supposed to ask her, but she'll probably laugh at me. She wanted to know what and I told her. She said that she'd really like to and said that she'll try to get her mom to pick up Cord by Friday night and so forth. I was completely taken back by her "excitement" but did say that I won't get my hopes up too high in case she doesn't get to come, although I will. That completely raised my spirits again.
She was telling me that Christine met a guy at Mulligans on Friday night and they ended up going to the beach out by the Yukatan. I wondered to myself who she went with but don't really care. She said that just like Brian, she `fell in love' again with the guy after one night and is all depressed again. We both wondered at the same time how someone can fall in love after only a few hours with a person. I then said yeah, it took me nineteen years. She asked what, knowing exactly what I was talking about. I told her she did but she said that she wants me to say it. I then said that I waited nineteen years to fall in love. She asked if that was so hard. I told her that I have said it before so it shouldn't have been hard to figure out what I meant. She said that she knows, but she just wanted to hear me say it! We both had really cutesy voices through the entire conversation and it was rather interesting.
I guess I said something right in the letter.
I did my best to keep Shar¡ out of my head all weekend and get back into the swing of things. I wanted to pull out of my mini depression that took over any time I had too much time to think about things. I hung out at the Florida Invitational volleyball tournament on Friday and Saturday nights. The Lady Gators played some awesome matches and I had a great time. I even flirted quite a bit. There was this one girl on the George Washington University whose parents had died on the big train wreck last week on their way to see their daughter play here. The audience was shocked and had a pretty emotional moment of silence. I really felt for the girl. There was also a girl on their team with the most beautiful ass and she really knew how to flaunt it. Her face looked a lot like Shar¡'s and I thought of her as being Shar¡ if she had stayed in school and kept playing volleyball. It was pretty interesting.
Jon, Ed, Roswitha, and I all went to the mall Saturday morning and did a little grocery shopping. That was pretty fun. I also have been playing a lot of pool the past couple days in my spare time.
I called her tonight and Buffy went and got her only after finding out my name. It didn't sound like she would have for anybody else. We started talking a little bit about what we've been doing.She did say that she thought I had fallen off the face of the earth because I haven't called and she hadn't gotten any letters. I asked her if it hadn't come and she admitted that she just got it today. She said that she'll write me back and mail it tomorrow.
She was telling me that her Aunt Carol is coming down next weekend and is taking care of Cord for just so she can see him. I thought that was a pretty amazing coincidence since the motive behind my call was to ask her if she wanted to come up over the weekend with Jon and Karen. I thought all along that she wouldn't want to and was putting off asking her until the end. I told her that reminded me of something I'm supposed to ask her, but she'll probably laugh at me. She wanted to know what and I told her. She said that she'd really like to and said that she'll try to get her mom to pick up Cord by Friday night and so forth. I was completely taken back by her "excitement" but did say that I won't get my hopes up too high in case she doesn't get to come, although I will. That completely raised my spirits again.
She was telling me that Christine met a guy at Mulligans on Friday night and they ended up going to the beach out by the Yukatan. I wondered to myself who she went with but don't really care. She said that just like Brian, she `fell in love' again with the guy after one night and is all depressed again. We both wondered at the same time how someone can fall in love after only a few hours with a person. I then said yeah, it took me nineteen years. She asked what, knowing exactly what I was talking about. I told her she did but she said that she wants me to say it. I then said that I waited nineteen years to fall in love. She asked if that was so hard. I told her that I have said it before so it shouldn't have been hard to figure out what I meant. She said that she knows, but she just wanted to hear me say it! We both had really cutesy voices through the entire conversation and it was rather interesting.
I guess I said something right in the letter.
Saturday, September 25, 1993
September 25, 1993 - Saturday - Chill out on us?!, Tampa
Shar¡ and I are essentially over. There's not really any other way to put it. Nicole and I lasted two weeks, Shar¡ and I for two months, so who knows, maybe the next one will be two years. I really hope I'm being far too pessimistic about the whole thing but I really don't know.
When I showed up at Mulligan's at eleven last Friday night. Christina and Cord were the first two to come running outside to see me. Shar¡ had gone to the bathroom and didn't know that I was there yet. Cord ran to me and hugged me and I picked him up and carried him back in. Christina had me wait around the corner and she went and told Shar¡ that Cord ran from her and she couldn't find him. Shar¡ dashed around the corner to see me holding him which was a great relief for her. We hung out for a while and talked a little.
When Shar¡ would go to the bathroom or order something for Cord, Christina would start her shit again. She told me that before they left her apartment, Shar¡ had said that she kind of hoped that I didn't even show up tonight at all. I was like whatever and put it past me. We later all had the talk at the table about nobody's allowed to come over to her apartment afterwards and I said I wasn't planning on it anyway, I just hoped my parents hadn't locked me out. Christina later told me that the reason I couldn't come over is because Shar¡ had given this guy at the bar their number earlier and he was coming over later. She then started bitching about how Shar¡ always tries to steal every guy that Christina likes. She called Shar¡ boy crazy because she always is screwing some guy or another and named some names, one being Jimmy. She told me that she'd probably end up screwing the guy that comes over tonight and would love it if I just happened to show up. She and I planned on me coming over about four but to call first.
I was pretty upset but my feelings were really weird. Shar¡ knew that CHristina had said something to me because I wasn't hiding it too well which I was kind of doing on purpose. When we left at two, I walked them to their car and they took off while I still had a ways to go get into my car. Nonetheless I hauled ass out on that road and passed cars like they were tied, catching up with them at the light on 56th Street which isn't that far up the road. Shar¡ said that I must've been driving pretty fast and I agreed that it was normal. When the light changed I just left them in my dust and went home.
When I called at four, Christina picked up right away and said I could still come over. She said the guy never called but another guy form her complex that Shar¡ met earlier today was there. When I got there, Christina was outside smoking. She told me that Shar¡ was in there on his lap and to wait a few minutes to knock on the door until she is back inside. I did that and as I walked inside I talked directly at Christina, never looking around the corner at the couch. Shar¡ jumped up and came running to the hall when she heard my voice and I said hi. We then went and sat down. Shar¡ went to sit on the couch where the guy was, leaving the seat for me, but Christina said that she can't sit there, pushing Shar¡ over to the seat and me up onto the exercise bike seat. They had been watching a cheap little porno on the VCR. I didn't do much or say much but I did keep my distance from her so I wouldn't embarrass her in front of him. I am too fucking nice. I just care about her too much. I kind of knew what I was getting myself into when I started getting serious and know that I can't change her all of the sudden to fit into my ideas right away. I was just really pissed that she'd spend the night with another guy on my weekend in town.
Shar¡ and CHristina went out to smoke a cigarette on the porch once and Christina asked her `what's she going to do?' Christina then said that Shar¡ said that Dan won't be here much longer. I thought to myself that every time Christina says something like that, she knows that she can say anything she wants because I won't go and ask Shar¡ about it. That really sucks. She also has bragged about being a con artist and about always getting what she wants. She did make me promise not to tell Shar¡ what she has been telling me because she is only doing it because she cares about me and doesn't like to see me getting hurt. Anyway, Shar¡ and I started making out on the chair and Christina kept bitching about Shar¡ needing to go to sleep since it was already six and she needed to be out of her house by eight or at the latest ten. I was going to come back and take Shar¡ home when she called me in the morning.
When it started getting towards ten, I called Christina's apartment and only got the answering machine. I figured that Shar¡ ended up having Christina take her home because she was pissed at me for showing up in the middle of the night. I tried calling Shar¡'s house later on to see if they showed up there but they didn't. After calling Christina's a couple of other times, I got pissed off and said Shar¡'s favorite line, `Fuck it!,' and decided to go see my friends at Busch Gardens. I almost drove all the way up to the pool in Christina's complex to see if they had just gone there instead. I planned on calling Shar¡'s house from Busch Gardens later figuring I'd be closer to her house anyway since I was supposed to spend the night with her.
As I drove over, I saw that the car inspection station was open with a pretty short line so I stopped and my car actually passed!!! That was awesome so then something told me to go home and try calling again since good luck always comes in bunches. When I did, they answered and said that they had just woken up even though it was already noon. Everything was suddenly `back to normal' again. I had even thought about calling Jon earlier and getting a ride back to Gainesville. It probably would have been better. I showed up about fifteen minutes later at Christina's apartment and they were still in their pajamas and their blankets were made out on the floor. the clothes they were both wearing down to their underwear were in a pile near the sheets on the floor. I actually wondered who ended up coming back over and helped her undress...
Anyway, we watched the video that I recorded the Saturday when I first left for Gainesville. She had never seen it and we said a couple of mean things about Christina in it that we had forgotten about. It was kind of funny as she saw it. Anyway, Shar¡ had cooked these chicken patties for their lunch and tried to get me to eat but I didn't have more than a bite. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before but wasn't really that hungry. Shar¡ and I finally left. She decided to just leave her pajamas on on the trip home. I really wanted to talk to her then but things just didn't work out in my favor. Buffy had told me earlier on the phone that they'd be gone all day, but when we got there, they were all sleeping on Buffy's bed. that really sucked!
Shar¡ did end up pulling out the camcorder and I got a lot of new tape and she recorded quite a bit of me and Cord. Shar¡ later cooked me dinner. She made meat loaf, peas, and masked potatoes and I was really surprised at how good it came out. I was truly impressed. Christina kept calling wanting to know what we were going to do Saturday night. I was all for completely ditching Christina and Mulligans. Shar¡ asked me if I really didn't want Christina to go because she wouldn't tell her if I didn't want her to go. I really didn't but made it seem like I didn't care. I did make it clear to her that I didn't want to go to Mulligans and Shar¡ said the same to Christina. We did end up going, of course. The bitch would not stop calling Shar¡'s house though. I'd love more than anything for that stupid overgrown cunt to get killed or permanently taken out of the picture!!! I'm completely tired of her shit.
Anyway, I was determined to have a good time with Shar¡ this time. I made sure not to sit next to Christina. We sat in these stools which was better than the sorry little tables. Shar¡ had been wanting to moose up my hair for the longest time and did tonight. She was really happy with how it looked when she was done. It was worth the feeling of having her rub her fingers through my hair for so long. I love that. I kept active and alert the entire night and outlived the both of them. That was a first.
At one point Shar¡ picked up a piece of paper and wrote:
I jumped at the opportunity to start a game of note writing just like the good old days in high school and wrote:
At this point, I was completely under the influence of what Christina had told me and I did fall prey to jealousy.
At that point this redhead who kept talking to us all night came up again and started babbling again. She said something that she thought was funny and both the ladies laughed just to be socially responsible. I thought it was really funny because Shar¡'s laugh changes drastically to a completely fake one when she has to laugh at something she doesn't want to...
The best part about the notes was that it was a conversation that completely excluded Christina. She kept wanting to know what we were writing because Shar¡ would react quite loudly to most of the stuff I wrote. It was funny. Christina eventually got pissed because we weren't talking to her.
And so it began... Although I was rather amazed at her inability to express herself in words or be creative. She did of course miss out on the bullshitting wonderfulness of note writing and I think she was taking it far too seriously.
It was sudden and I never figured out why we stopped. We talked and they sang and all of that for a while longer until we finally decided to call it a night. I joked about the long drive home because I just wanted to hear her say that she wanted me to stay with her. She did and I kept forgetting that I was the one upset with her, she had no reason to be mad at me... yet...
We went inside and pulled out the folding bed that already has her sheets and pillows waiting for her. We changed into our pajamas. I was wearing my heather gray shirt and she asked me if I was glad that she didn't take it or I wouldn't be wearing it then. I personally didn't care and was only wearing it because it happened to be the shirt I pulled out of my bag first. We climbed into bed and I didn't even get much of a good night kiss as she rolled over and turned her back away from me. That sucked but I zonked out instantly. She woke me up, I don't know how much later but it wasn't long, and pulled herself close to me, still with her back to me so that I could hold her. I then fell asleep again.
We woke up early with the kids and I kind of just lay there after she had already gotten up. She was using the camcorder and got some of me lying there on the bed in the middle of the living room. She finally got me up and started cooking us French toast for breakfast. I taped some of that as well. It tasted pretty good and was covered by lots of cinnamon sugar which mine lacked. I ate and then she dumped the last few huge bites of hers onto my plate. When I am done eating, I am done and wouldn't eat it. Cord came up and I put him on my lap and fed him bites of it. It was really cute and Shar¡ got it on tape.
We decided to go to the beach and it took us a while to get ready just because we were being lazy. We finally did go and it didn't take too incredibly long this time because I now know the shortest quickest way to get there and we didn't have to buy Shar¡ a bathing suit this time. We went to Clearwater Beach and was the last car that was let into the last open parking lot before they closed it.
I did find out that Shar¡ is really sensitive about me talking about other women.... Be careful.
For dinner she put on the new dress that she had bought, the same one she had worn Friday night to Mulligans. We drove up to Burger King and went inside to eat. I remember asking her how to get back on her good side to which she asked what made me think I wasn't. So actually I could tell then and she should have said what she was really thinking instead of leading me into an awkward and destructive situation. I ordered a whopper and chocolate shake and paId for the whole meal. She was walking around, asking me where I wanted to sit and I pointed her towards this round table in the corner. I just wanted to sit next to her. We got in at the same time and I then told her that she doesn't have to sit so far away and she looked at me and said the same thing back to me. I scooted closer but left enough distance for her own.
We ate, but she didn't finish even half of her chicken sandwich. I hadn't been kissed right all day long and I was determined then to do so. I tried while we were standing there and she did for a second
After I got her letter, I called her and we talked for two hours!!! After our `break up,' as I was so pessimistically calling it to everybody I saw, I was amazed at what happened next. It's almost like the other girls I know can sense my depression and started calling. Sarah was the first and we talked for about an hour! A little while later, Kimmeth!!!!! called out of the blue. She said that she realized that since I haven't called her in a while, that something must be up. Boy was she right. I told her how horrible my life is going and told her everything, except I forgot to mention Shar¡!
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When I showed up at Mulligan's at eleven last Friday night. Christina and Cord were the first two to come running outside to see me. Shar¡ had gone to the bathroom and didn't know that I was there yet. Cord ran to me and hugged me and I picked him up and carried him back in. Christina had me wait around the corner and she went and told Shar¡ that Cord ran from her and she couldn't find him. Shar¡ dashed around the corner to see me holding him which was a great relief for her. We hung out for a while and talked a little.
When Shar¡ would go to the bathroom or order something for Cord, Christina would start her shit again. She told me that before they left her apartment, Shar¡ had said that she kind of hoped that I didn't even show up tonight at all. I was like whatever and put it past me. We later all had the talk at the table about nobody's allowed to come over to her apartment afterwards and I said I wasn't planning on it anyway, I just hoped my parents hadn't locked me out. Christina later told me that the reason I couldn't come over is because Shar¡ had given this guy at the bar their number earlier and he was coming over later. She then started bitching about how Shar¡ always tries to steal every guy that Christina likes. She called Shar¡ boy crazy because she always is screwing some guy or another and named some names, one being Jimmy. She told me that she'd probably end up screwing the guy that comes over tonight and would love it if I just happened to show up. She and I planned on me coming over about four but to call first.
I was pretty upset but my feelings were really weird. Shar¡ knew that CHristina had said something to me because I wasn't hiding it too well which I was kind of doing on purpose. When we left at two, I walked them to their car and they took off while I still had a ways to go get into my car. Nonetheless I hauled ass out on that road and passed cars like they were tied, catching up with them at the light on 56th Street which isn't that far up the road. Shar¡ said that I must've been driving pretty fast and I agreed that it was normal. When the light changed I just left them in my dust and went home.
When I called at four, Christina picked up right away and said I could still come over. She said the guy never called but another guy form her complex that Shar¡ met earlier today was there. When I got there, Christina was outside smoking. She told me that Shar¡ was in there on his lap and to wait a few minutes to knock on the door until she is back inside. I did that and as I walked inside I talked directly at Christina, never looking around the corner at the couch. Shar¡ jumped up and came running to the hall when she heard my voice and I said hi. We then went and sat down. Shar¡ went to sit on the couch where the guy was, leaving the seat for me, but Christina said that she can't sit there, pushing Shar¡ over to the seat and me up onto the exercise bike seat. They had been watching a cheap little porno on the VCR. I didn't do much or say much but I did keep my distance from her so I wouldn't embarrass her in front of him. I am too fucking nice. I just care about her too much. I kind of knew what I was getting myself into when I started getting serious and know that I can't change her all of the sudden to fit into my ideas right away. I was just really pissed that she'd spend the night with another guy on my weekend in town.
Shar¡ and CHristina went out to smoke a cigarette on the porch once and Christina asked her `what's she going to do?' Christina then said that Shar¡ said that Dan won't be here much longer. I thought to myself that every time Christina says something like that, she knows that she can say anything she wants because I won't go and ask Shar¡ about it. That really sucks. She also has bragged about being a con artist and about always getting what she wants. She did make me promise not to tell Shar¡ what she has been telling me because she is only doing it because she cares about me and doesn't like to see me getting hurt. Anyway, Shar¡ and I started making out on the chair and Christina kept bitching about Shar¡ needing to go to sleep since it was already six and she needed to be out of her house by eight or at the latest ten. I was going to come back and take Shar¡ home when she called me in the morning.
When it started getting towards ten, I called Christina's apartment and only got the answering machine. I figured that Shar¡ ended up having Christina take her home because she was pissed at me for showing up in the middle of the night. I tried calling Shar¡'s house later on to see if they showed up there but they didn't. After calling Christina's a couple of other times, I got pissed off and said Shar¡'s favorite line, `Fuck it!,' and decided to go see my friends at Busch Gardens. I almost drove all the way up to the pool in Christina's complex to see if they had just gone there instead. I planned on calling Shar¡'s house from Busch Gardens later figuring I'd be closer to her house anyway since I was supposed to spend the night with her.
As I drove over, I saw that the car inspection station was open with a pretty short line so I stopped and my car actually passed!!! That was awesome so then something told me to go home and try calling again since good luck always comes in bunches. When I did, they answered and said that they had just woken up even though it was already noon. Everything was suddenly `back to normal' again. I had even thought about calling Jon earlier and getting a ride back to Gainesville. It probably would have been better. I showed up about fifteen minutes later at Christina's apartment and they were still in their pajamas and their blankets were made out on the floor. the clothes they were both wearing down to their underwear were in a pile near the sheets on the floor. I actually wondered who ended up coming back over and helped her undress...
Anyway, we watched the video that I recorded the Saturday when I first left for Gainesville. She had never seen it and we said a couple of mean things about Christina in it that we had forgotten about. It was kind of funny as she saw it. Anyway, Shar¡ had cooked these chicken patties for their lunch and tried to get me to eat but I didn't have more than a bite. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before but wasn't really that hungry. Shar¡ and I finally left. She decided to just leave her pajamas on on the trip home. I really wanted to talk to her then but things just didn't work out in my favor. Buffy had told me earlier on the phone that they'd be gone all day, but when we got there, they were all sleeping on Buffy's bed. that really sucked!
Shar¡ did end up pulling out the camcorder and I got a lot of new tape and she recorded quite a bit of me and Cord. Shar¡ later cooked me dinner. She made meat loaf, peas, and masked potatoes and I was really surprised at how good it came out. I was truly impressed. Christina kept calling wanting to know what we were going to do Saturday night. I was all for completely ditching Christina and Mulligans. Shar¡ asked me if I really didn't want Christina to go because she wouldn't tell her if I didn't want her to go. I really didn't but made it seem like I didn't care. I did make it clear to her that I didn't want to go to Mulligans and Shar¡ said the same to Christina. We did end up going, of course. The bitch would not stop calling Shar¡'s house though. I'd love more than anything for that stupid overgrown cunt to get killed or permanently taken out of the picture!!! I'm completely tired of her shit.
Anyway, I was determined to have a good time with Shar¡ this time. I made sure not to sit next to Christina. We sat in these stools which was better than the sorry little tables. Shar¡ had been wanting to moose up my hair for the longest time and did tonight. She was really happy with how it looked when she was done. It was worth the feeling of having her rub her fingers through my hair for so long. I love that. I kept active and alert the entire night and outlived the both of them. That was a first.
At one point Shar¡ picked up a piece of paper and wrote:
Dan,
I know you haven't did much but I hope you have or had a nice weekend being here with me.
oud - you, Cord says
Love Ya, Shar¡ (heart)
I jumped at the opportunity to start a game of note writing just like the good old days in high school and wrote:
Shar¡,
Yeah, I guess.......
Love Dan
(love)(peace)(happiness)
Dan, What do you mean ya I guess. Isn't it more like ya I know???
D- I hope so.
S- I KNOW SO!!!!!
D- What makes you so sure!!??!!
At this point, I was completely under the influence of what Christina had told me and I did fall prey to jealousy.
S- Because of the person I am..
D- Actually because of the body you are!!! J/K
Seriously, what "person" are you?!
S- Smart ass!!!
D- I want a serious answer dumb ass!!!! (smile)
S- I said what I said because of the special person I am to you or at least that's what you say. J/K
D- What do you mean that you are just kidding about being a special person to me!!!!
S- I said that's what you say and then J/K because I know you think I am special
D- Fine.... But what about me?
At that point this redhead who kept talking to us all night came up again and started babbling again. She said something that she thought was funny and both the ladies laughed just to be socially responsible. I thought it was really funny because Shar¡'s laugh changes drastically to a completely fake one when she has to laugh at something she doesn't want to...
D- You have the goofiest laugh when you are forced to laugh at something you don't think is funny.
S- I didn't think people could change their laughs. Or maybe that's another thing special about me!!
The best part about the notes was that it was a conversation that completely excluded Christina. She kept wanting to know what we were writing because Shar¡ would react quite loudly to most of the stuff I wrote. It was funny. Christina eventually got pissed because we weren't talking to her.
D- I guess.... Anyway, Christina said that we have to start writing sexual notes.
S- Just because Christina said to do that doesn't mean we have to!!!
D- It might prove to be an interesting twist!
And so it began... Although I was rather amazed at her inability to express herself in words or be creative. She did of course miss out on the bullshitting wonderfulness of note writing and I think she was taking it far too seriously.
S- You go first!!!
D- I always do go first, but fortunately I can still hold up after the fact!
S- I can definitely give you a plus on that one!!
D- You didn't give me much to go on - Try again!!! And don't waste so much space!!! J/K
S- Okay - I can say you can keep it long enough to satisfy me. Is that better???
D- Actually, you've never run me all the way to empty so who knows.....
S- Ya but I did run you to a certain point and you kept up so that's a double plus. I'll have to find out about you lasting the whole run......................
D- I feel so special to be worth a whole "double plus"!!! So, when and where?
S- The next time I go to Gainesville to see ya, cause all the time we need we won't get down here.
D- maybe taking new approaches can make the shorter times we find just as good as the long ones.
S- I would like to show you a few new approaches if you don't already know them.
D- Same question, when and where dear!?!
S- Same answer at your place DEAR
D- That seems so long and far away (frown)
S- Well that's the only time we really have all the time in the world.
D- unfortunately.....
S- I would really like to do the (Hot!!!) shower thing again.
D- Of course - it might FRY my chances of ever having kids but it's more than worth it!
S- Sorry but this has to end. (smile turned into a frown)
It was sudden and I never figured out why we stopped. We talked and they sang and all of that for a while longer until we finally decided to call it a night. I joked about the long drive home because I just wanted to hear her say that she wanted me to stay with her. She did and I kept forgetting that I was the one upset with her, she had no reason to be mad at me... yet...
We went inside and pulled out the folding bed that already has her sheets and pillows waiting for her. We changed into our pajamas. I was wearing my heather gray shirt and she asked me if I was glad that she didn't take it or I wouldn't be wearing it then. I personally didn't care and was only wearing it because it happened to be the shirt I pulled out of my bag first. We climbed into bed and I didn't even get much of a good night kiss as she rolled over and turned her back away from me. That sucked but I zonked out instantly. She woke me up, I don't know how much later but it wasn't long, and pulled herself close to me, still with her back to me so that I could hold her. I then fell asleep again.
We woke up early with the kids and I kind of just lay there after she had already gotten up. She was using the camcorder and got some of me lying there on the bed in the middle of the living room. She finally got me up and started cooking us French toast for breakfast. I taped some of that as well. It tasted pretty good and was covered by lots of cinnamon sugar which mine lacked. I ate and then she dumped the last few huge bites of hers onto my plate. When I am done eating, I am done and wouldn't eat it. Cord came up and I put him on my lap and fed him bites of it. It was really cute and Shar¡ got it on tape.
We decided to go to the beach and it took us a while to get ready just because we were being lazy. We finally did go and it didn't take too incredibly long this time because I now know the shortest quickest way to get there and we didn't have to buy Shar¡ a bathing suit this time. We went to Clearwater Beach and was the last car that was let into the last open parking lot before they closed it.
I did find out that Shar¡ is really sensitive about me talking about other women.... Be careful.
For dinner she put on the new dress that she had bought, the same one she had worn Friday night to Mulligans. We drove up to Burger King and went inside to eat. I remember asking her how to get back on her good side to which she asked what made me think I wasn't. So actually I could tell then and she should have said what she was really thinking instead of leading me into an awkward and destructive situation. I ordered a whopper and chocolate shake and paId for the whole meal. She was walking around, asking me where I wanted to sit and I pointed her towards this round table in the corner. I just wanted to sit next to her. We got in at the same time and I then told her that she doesn't have to sit so far away and she looked at me and said the same thing back to me. I scooted closer but left enough distance for her own.
We ate, but she didn't finish even half of her chicken sandwich. I hadn't been kissed right all day long and I was determined then to do so. I tried while we were standing there and she did for a second
After I got her letter, I called her and we talked for two hours!!! After our `break up,' as I was so pessimistically calling it to everybody I saw, I was amazed at what happened next. It's almost like the other girls I know can sense my depression and started calling. Sarah was the first and we talked for about an hour! A little while later, Kimmeth!!!!! called out of the blue. She said that she realized that since I haven't called her in a while, that something must be up. Boy was she right. I told her how horrible my life is going and told her everything, except I forgot to mention Shar¡!
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Shar¡,
September 23, 1993
It's been about eight hours since I've talked to you and I'm still just as lost as I was earlier. I called my counselor after talking to you because it's just so much easier for me to figure out what's going on when I can spit everything out and just hear myself saying it. My counselor is a girl named Ashley who is from Valrico. She is practically married to this guy in the Air Force and she has told me all of her feelings about him just as I have told her about you. We have agreed to listen to the other person whenever the other needs to just babble everything out. We're not really friends which is good because that way the other person can't ever hold what the other person says against him and sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who you don't know at all.
After I read your letter I was so glad that you said what you said about me being an asshole over the weekend. I knew that once and for all that would force me to say everything that should have been said all along. I was really scared to call you because I was afraid I just wouldn't be able to get it all out as usual and I know that really needs to stop on my part. I really hated acting that way to you over the weekend. I had never been so doubtful about you before this weekend after everything Christina kept saying to me. I just wanted so much to talk to you Saturday morning on the drive to your house but it never seemed like the right time to say anything. The longer I kept it bottled up, the more it kept affecting me even though I kept trying to put it past me and not let it bother me.
When you ended up not calling me Saturday morning from Christina's house that only built my worries even more. After Christina made such a big deal about you being out of her house by ten, and then you didn't call, I didn't know what to think. I thought that maybe Christina had admitted that she was the one that wanted me to come over Friday night, and that you were pissed off at me for doing so, and ended up just having Christina take you home. I couldn't stay home any longer and that was when I almost just said fuck it and went to see my friends at Busch Gardens for the day. I almost called Jon's house to see if they had gone back to Gainesville yet to ask them to take me with them. Something told me to go back home, though, which is when I got a hold of you and "all was well."
I just can't stop thinking about how stupid I was for letting Christina ruin my weekend and effect me the way she did. I at least learned something important out of the whole thing - never to keep anything bottled up and never again try to hide anything from you, no matter what it is. I wasn't thinking about your interests or feelings at all when I was acting the way I was and still wish you would have slapped the shit out of me for treating you like that. I know I hadn't acted like that before, and won't again. I was just really confused. I'm sorry... It would have been really good if we had talked about all of this face to face like at the park. That's all I really wanted all day Monday was to talk to you but you had already shut me out by then and that hurt.
I know we already talked about a lot of this on the phone today but I just need to say it again in case I screwed up earlier... This is where I cut off for the night just to think more about it all.
What is it that we have found between the two of us and how did it suddenly get as deep as it did? How come the best path to take for everybody is always the hardest one... and why does it seem that everybody is always working against you? How come every time something starts going really good, it suddenly comes crashing into the ground!?! I'd really hate more than anything for that to happen to us. From what we say, both of us has found something pretty special in the other and from what everybody else tells me, that's pretty damn rare and you're lucky if you ever see that in anybody at all. It does sound kind of crazy that we did just meet two months ago but who gives a fuck. Life is far too short in the first place and then we bitch when something quick yet good does come along. I just realized that it can really scare you... but I'm not going to argue with it if it wants to work out that way.
I'm still going to avoid our favorite question about where we "stand." That's kind of stupid anyway and was really just a way to try and get you to tell me what you were thinking. I don't really know what we're going to do or where we are going to go from here. I'm not sure if you know what you want right now, and I know that I don't have a clue. All I do know is that I want it to be with you and Cord.
Thursday, September 16, 1993
September 16, 1993 - Thursday - Shari once more, Be nice
Plans for Tampa have essentially become concrete which is really good. Of course Cecil wants to leave much later than the norm which is pretty annoying. We won't even get to Tampa until after nine which really sucks. I wanted to get there early enough to meet up with them at Christina's house before they left but she said that they're going a lot earlier to make sure they get seats. That really sucks. I told her so. Then my ultimate fear came true. She's going to spend the fucking night at Christina's which means I have to go back home. Fuck! I was hoping for two nights at her house at least!!! I told her that I was disappointed and she was asking me what was on my mind and she knew damn well what was. Actually, I really don't care if we even have sex this weekend... I just want to be with her and physically hold her.
After making sure that Cecil had gotten his tires aligned and that her car is in working order, we then kept recalling Dave to get directions to his place in Tampa. They were pretty easy and I then let them all know about my plans to ditch them. I had the really good excuse that they'll have a lot more fun at the clubs they can get into over the ones if they were dragging an eighteen year old around. It made sense and I told Dave I have plans with my woman. I then called home and secured a ride back on Monday night which is pretty cool. I told them to have gas in my car when I arrive tomorrow night and to not expect me to stay very long at that point.
I then made a phone call to Shar¡'s house knowing pretty well that she would be at Christina's. I really don't know why she's spending so much fucking time there and I don't like it. I talked to her dad for a few minutes and he asked me when I'd be coming down and then mentioned next weekend. I told him that I'd actually be down tomorrow night. That kind of surprised him and he said that he'll miss me for most of the weekend because he'll be at a motorcycle convention in St. Augustine. No shit. That's when I'll be spending the night with your daughter. I helped him figure out that she is at Christina's and he remembered now that she had gone yesterday to see some videos last night and go to the beach today.
I called Christina and just said hi and she did recognize my voice. I was in no hurry to talk to Shar¡ and Christina was quite excited about talking to me. I did ask about Shar¡ soon enough and Christina said that she isn't there. I asked that she wasn't, and then Christina said that she had gone out with some guy. I made a big deal like I was really offended and I just now realized how good it is that Christina fully recognizes our relationship. Shar¡;s voice came into the background and she quickly took over the phone and seemed just as excited to hear from me. I told her that our trip down had been cancelled because nobody wanted to drive. She gave me a pretty loud negative reaction and then I said that I told her before that it might not happen. She agreed that this was true. I then said that I'll see her tomorrow at nine. It took her a second before she realized the truth and it was kind of funny.
We figured out what was going to happen tomorrow night. Since I was going to be late, she wanted me to meet them there. That's when I asked her if she's staying at Christina's Friday night and when she said yes I was devastated. Christina's parents are going to be back either Friday night on Saturday morning. I just shut up and left it at that. Hopefully I'll get a lot of pull from Christina to come to her apartment and possibly spend the night. I'll leave everything up to Shar¡. She'll also have Cord with her. She then said that she'll be going back to her house Saturday morning for me and I volunteered to drive her back. I really don't know how things are going to work. I was really tired and had just gotten out of biology lab and after I learned that my perfect weekend was being spoiled, I started being kind of dicky. I felt like shit after the fact but it was too late then. I suddenly realized how I would feel if she did that to me and I vowed to make this a very good weekend for her. I plan on reassuring her up the ass!!! I'd hate for anything to happen to us.
She also sounded excited as she told me that she got the card I created for her. It had a car stopped at a green light blocking all of the traffic behind it. When I first saw it I was instantly reminded of when we used to kiss at red lights. She brought up the fact that she realized what the picture meant right away and though that was pretty neat. She said that she knew long before reading in my letter my explanation in case she didn't get it. She told me that she showed it to Buffy and I made it sound like she shouldn't have. I then said that other people will start thinking that what I'm saying is true. That was dead mean and I'm sorry. I will apologize if she isn't the most happy person in the world tomorrow night. The card said, `Shar¡, The more I think of us together...,' and then on the inside, `The more I realize nothing else matters...' My message then said, `September 14th, Happy two months of us having known one another!!!' I then signed it, `I love you... `Daddy Dan'.' It was pretty cool and I really can't wait to see her tomorrow night.
I did wash my white clothes last night when Chris and I came home from studying at 1:30 in the morning! I was out of underwear and really needed to. It ended up taking until three and as I was just finishing up folding my clothes into my basket, I looked up to see Ashley standing outside of the door. She was just coming back form her sorority and said that she wondered who the fuck was washing there clothes so late at night. It was pretty funny that the person was me and we stood around and talked for about ten minutes.
After making sure that Cecil had gotten his tires aligned and that her car is in working order, we then kept recalling Dave to get directions to his place in Tampa. They were pretty easy and I then let them all know about my plans to ditch them. I had the really good excuse that they'll have a lot more fun at the clubs they can get into over the ones if they were dragging an eighteen year old around. It made sense and I told Dave I have plans with my woman. I then called home and secured a ride back on Monday night which is pretty cool. I told them to have gas in my car when I arrive tomorrow night and to not expect me to stay very long at that point.
I then made a phone call to Shar¡'s house knowing pretty well that she would be at Christina's. I really don't know why she's spending so much fucking time there and I don't like it. I talked to her dad for a few minutes and he asked me when I'd be coming down and then mentioned next weekend. I told him that I'd actually be down tomorrow night. That kind of surprised him and he said that he'll miss me for most of the weekend because he'll be at a motorcycle convention in St. Augustine. No shit. That's when I'll be spending the night with your daughter. I helped him figure out that she is at Christina's and he remembered now that she had gone yesterday to see some videos last night and go to the beach today.
I called Christina and just said hi and she did recognize my voice. I was in no hurry to talk to Shar¡ and Christina was quite excited about talking to me. I did ask about Shar¡ soon enough and Christina said that she isn't there. I asked that she wasn't, and then Christina said that she had gone out with some guy. I made a big deal like I was really offended and I just now realized how good it is that Christina fully recognizes our relationship. Shar¡;s voice came into the background and she quickly took over the phone and seemed just as excited to hear from me. I told her that our trip down had been cancelled because nobody wanted to drive. She gave me a pretty loud negative reaction and then I said that I told her before that it might not happen. She agreed that this was true. I then said that I'll see her tomorrow at nine. It took her a second before she realized the truth and it was kind of funny.
We figured out what was going to happen tomorrow night. Since I was going to be late, she wanted me to meet them there. That's when I asked her if she's staying at Christina's Friday night and when she said yes I was devastated. Christina's parents are going to be back either Friday night on Saturday morning. I just shut up and left it at that. Hopefully I'll get a lot of pull from Christina to come to her apartment and possibly spend the night. I'll leave everything up to Shar¡. She'll also have Cord with her. She then said that she'll be going back to her house Saturday morning for me and I volunteered to drive her back. I really don't know how things are going to work. I was really tired and had just gotten out of biology lab and after I learned that my perfect weekend was being spoiled, I started being kind of dicky. I felt like shit after the fact but it was too late then. I suddenly realized how I would feel if she did that to me and I vowed to make this a very good weekend for her. I plan on reassuring her up the ass!!! I'd hate for anything to happen to us.
She also sounded excited as she told me that she got the card I created for her. It had a car stopped at a green light blocking all of the traffic behind it. When I first saw it I was instantly reminded of when we used to kiss at red lights. She brought up the fact that she realized what the picture meant right away and though that was pretty neat. She said that she knew long before reading in my letter my explanation in case she didn't get it. She told me that she showed it to Buffy and I made it sound like she shouldn't have. I then said that other people will start thinking that what I'm saying is true. That was dead mean and I'm sorry. I will apologize if she isn't the most happy person in the world tomorrow night. The card said, `Shar¡, The more I think of us together...,' and then on the inside, `The more I realize nothing else matters...' My message then said, `September 14th, Happy two months of us having known one another!!!' I then signed it, `I love you... `Daddy Dan'.' It was pretty cool and I really can't wait to see her tomorrow night.
I did wash my white clothes last night when Chris and I came home from studying at 1:30 in the morning! I was out of underwear and really needed to. It ended up taking until three and as I was just finishing up folding my clothes into my basket, I looked up to see Ashley standing outside of the door. She was just coming back form her sorority and said that she wondered who the fuck was washing there clothes so late at night. It was pretty funny that the person was me and we stood around and talked for about ten minutes.